Another year... and I've just been spinning around...

Alright folks! Time for another one of my whine-fests! Hope you brought lots of cheese. =P

Where can I even begin? I'm disappointed... just to start off. Actually, I suppose that's mostly because I had set myself lofty goals that I was unable to achieve within these 365 days. I really shouldn't have expected that I'd get over my breakup this quickly, although a YEAR has passed. But it's been difficult, especially when I had vested so many promises and hopes for the future in it. Eventually I'll get myself out, but for now, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself. I shouldn't have expected that I'd get into shape by now. Not only did I not stay consistent on my exercise, but I should remind myself that it would take many years before I achieve my goal... and even so, it'll take just as much work to maintain it.

On the bright side, my career is slowly taking shape... VERY slowly... I have an idea of where I want to go within IT in the next few years. I know what kind of skills I wish to develop and have developed by then. The question is, do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Do I want to work here? Deep down, I feel I'm very unsatisfied about something. I'm not sure about what... and how to resolve it. Is it because I've been hard on myself all these years? Is it because I've asked myself to accomplish certain things only to have failed? Maybe I've looked at all of this the wrong way...

Should I even walk along this path of change? How do I know what parts of me should be improved and what parts I should actually refuse to change? Hopefully, I'll figure this out soon... because I cannot function if I cannot get beyond this disatisfaction with myself... If I cannot see my strengths and create confidence from it, I will just keep kicking myself and letting opportunities slip away because I did not believe in my abilities. I wonder how many times that has happened already.

To step into the future... to try again... to understand my faults, to accept them, and move on... to not rely on outside influences as much... to just be able to look in the mirror everyday and be pleased with what I see... it's going to be a long arduous road full of potholes, mines, roadside bombs... you name it. I just hope I don't stop at the first sign of difficulty. I really hope 2006 will shed some light in this tunnel of darkness that I have wandered into. I cannot let up! God granted me a miracle once already... I pray He will grant me another one... please...

Teh Snownage!!11

Well, we had a nice XBOX HUEG snowstorm on Thursday, although they say we didn't get the whole storm luckily. Thursday was just brutal. I had to drop by the office on Thursday to get some project work done and left at 4:45 pm. Was stuck on the road and didn't get home until an hour and a half later. This is compared to about a 15-20 min drive on a normal day. Just brutal...

Friday morning was much different. Woke up to find that the air was milder, there may have been a ton of snow, but it was nice snow. Fluffy snow, packing snow... the type that would've been perfect for making snowmen, having snowball fights, and of course, skiing and snowboarding. OH I WISH I DID NOT HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND!!! I'd SO hit the slopes because the snow is JUST PERFECT!!! <3

Unfortunately, stuck in the office today (and even worse, at the Etobicoke datacentre... grumble) and it's a boring day. Not really in the mood to do much WORK work... however, I should because I got lucky yesterday. Met my boss to discuss the progress of my projects. One is done (yay!) but the other two didn't even make it across the starting line. My boss gave me a compromise of just doing one of them and beating the requirements to allow him to scratch the other one. My boss is so nice to me... sniff sniff... I really should take this opportunity to work on that project... but then, there's the "I'll do it tomorrow" demon bugging me today. I need better motivation.

Things are changing at the office... a lot of changes. I should be ok to post this because it was already on the news and is now public: We merged with the mother company to form one corporate entity. What does that mean? It means that the two staffs will be working together. Already there's a lot of stuff happening in the upper management side. Soon it will inevitably trickle down all the way to us grunts. How these changes will impact us, we don't know yet. I'm not saying I'll be out of a job... but that the 2006 year for us will be VERY interesting. There's already some overlap of staffs b/c the mother company also has staff that does similar jobs to staff here. However, now that the company is much larger and is much more national, there shouldn't be much job cuts because the manpower is truly needed to maintain our level of service. It's pretty interesting to see. We all hear about such large changes in companies, but to become involved in one... it really opens one's eyes.

It really amazes me that I still feel so... out of touch with things. I'm very good at my job, but when it comes to the corporate gossip, rumour mills, and analysing what's happening right now, I'm almost clueless. It kinda scares me in a way because that means I'm almost oblivious to what's happening around me. Fortunately, having some talkative co-workers really helps. Should things change, I'll certainly miss some of that. But then, life goes on.

Currently Listening To: Rob Dougan - Instrumental (From the Furious Angels album)
(Gee I wish there was a small media file format so I could post songs on my blog and play them as background music... I always find these beautiful instrumental pieces I just can't stop listening to. I hope I've collected enough to burn a CD soon... oh can't wait for in-car MP3-ness!)

Oi...

Sometimes, the right music at the wrong time is very inconvenient... but I have to admit, I really like this song... although I wonder if it's for the wrong reasons. Oh well, it's only been a bit over 1 year... there's still time to heal. After all, the first step is admitting that one has a problem... and I have to admit that I still do... bloody dammit...

BTW, this girl Yoshika sounds a LOT like Utada, except her english isn't as sharp obviously... and my friend says m-flo is like a Japanese version of Black Eyed Peas. I have to agree, and yes... Japanese rap is just as strange as Chinese rap. lol.
-----------------------------
Let Go
by: m-flo loves YOSHIKA
Translated by: Malraux

* Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta leave my past behind and let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta be strong
You better know where you're going
and know where you're from
Better believe it baby, let's go...

Y: How things stand, I couldn't just forget you
I can't just shut you away
While I know that we couldn't let it get any deeper
No matter what, I've got to let you know how I feel
Especially when I'm giving it all I've got
I want your heart boy, even if it's just for one moment

** I'm still drowning in this love that cannot be
I don't want to wake from this dream CAN'T LET GO
It's selfish, but I don't care
I want your unwavering love right here

M: come one now baby, come on...

(RAP)
yeah, yeah, yeah...
It all started off with "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
A love story wound open as we met eye to eye
yeah, yeah, yeah...
And now, I'm left wondering "do love and loss come as a set?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
Time stands still, even though I left you

I make myself believe that I'm alright
Though it hurts my heart for you not to be by my side
Just wanderin' if you feel the same (same)
I wanna see if these feelings are for real
Idling away your life doesn't make you nobody
So don't be afraid, loosen up your reins
If you wanna be free, let go... I'm tellin' you
EGO is terrorism of the heart

so, just listen

Y: Though sweet and silent time passes by
My body - It's breaking apart, boy why does it have to be like this?

*** I'm envoloped by dark anxiety. (I feel like I'm going to break.)
Oh why do I try to monopolise love?
All without saying a thing
All I want is for your love to be right here

*repeat

M: (RAP)
I lept aboard just as the Love Train's doors began to shut
A man who doesn't like to wait, straight no chase
Speeding towards the reality we now face. run, run run,
The hands on my watch don't stop
The magic that only works once, the key to destiny
How suddenly things changed, it ridicules logic
Don't hurry and Mr. Heartbreak might stay
Rewind, fade, the memory returns

Y: Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me even for just a moment

**,*** repeat

Seen a doctor lately? I haven't... for 8 years!!

I've always been fascinated at why I haven't gone to see a doctor for 8 years, even for a normal checkup. Actually, I probably SHOULD go for a checkup... otherwise, something nasty and big might be happening to me right now and I wouldn't know it. Yippie... However, on the bright side, I haven't gone crying to a doctor whenever a cold or flu or slight sickness get to me. My parents are firm believers in the vitamin and herbal remedy thing, and I pretty much believe them because I haven't gotten any illness that has kept me out of action for more than a week. Whenever I've gotten a cold, it's a matter of loading up on serious vitamins like A and C and that wonder herb known as Echinacea (which btw, some argue actually does NOTHING, but it seems to work for me =P). I've never been sick for more than a 2 or 3 days on average. It's stuff like this makes me glad I'm not into anti-biotics:

http://arstechnica.com/journals/science.ars/2005/12/5/2004

Ever since news came out about those drug-resistent bacteria and viruses and whatnot, I was pretty sure that our future was going to be pretty interesting... My 3rd sis is in the sciences, and she finds it retarded that people are so into getting drugs for all their mild sicknesses. She firmly believes that's why drugs are getting less effective... I dunno... this might be a dumb rant but stories like those concern me... Besides, I have beef against the pharmaceuticals for pushing so many drugs and other shit when there are obviously better solutions... and people buy into their "solutions" all the time. It's kinda sad and scary at the same time... I dunno... I guess humanity is riding their own path towards something unpleasant... we'll see.

Oh Look What You've Done

Yeah, it's not exactly a new song, but you know how I am with "mainstream" music... always out of date. Funny I keep hearing it in places like Milestones and Jack Astor's and other restaurants yet I kept forgetting who sang it... finally I got it. I dunno... it's another one of those "I think it's for me" songs... lol... talk about being self-important. =P

Artist: Jet
Song: Look What You've Done

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Breathe...

Save
Save me from this
Wandered around the town
All the thousand things
I might miss

And you
Think we'll suffer much
Think we'll close our eyes
Just to see the light
Pass us by

With tomorrow coming
Hope that I don't let you down again
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see

Sit
We'll take our time
Watching the flowers grow
All the friends we've known
Say goodbye

And you
Did you suffer much
Did you close your eyes
Just to see the night
Rush on by

Gathered all around you
Hope that we don't let you down again
I said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see

Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean anything
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see
If only I could just believe a thing

------------------------
The things sentimentality does to a guy...

Hoping I don't let You down again...
But I can't stop thinking that I already have...
Why must I keep thinking like that?
Let... me... go...

"Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair"

Risk... and I'm not talking about that classic board game. This is just another life-related rant/entry/whiney post. =P

I've never been that much of a risk-taker. Not really anyways... although sometimes I wonder if my old habit of passively going about life was quite a big risk. =P Surely no sane person would dare to put out so little effort expecting everything to work out alright like I did. But anyways, whatever happened then, it has set what my life has become today. However, as I arrive in a new era and either getting past my quarter-life crisis or perhaps still experiencing/struggling through it now, I wonder if it's time I stuck my neck out a little more than I have lately.

I have a horrible habit of looking back on my past and "evaluate" the things I did. She said that I would have nothing but regrets... well, it always had been at times. Certain situations where I wish I did something else... the "what ifs" of life. Having a knack of liking history has its drawbacks. Historians love to conjecture what ifs in historical events. I have the unfortunate desire of doing that with my life specifically. The phrase "no regrets" doesn't really work for me, no matter how much I want it to. Perhaps I'm just male PMSing right now (if that's even possible, although some would probably get a good laugh out of that and agree) but I'm definitely not feeling so great.

Thinking about risk, I think about the FEW times I actually decided to take a risk and see what I gained from it. The only two instances I could think of at the moment happened during university. The first (while risky to even put it out on my blog, but I think that person doesn't read it so I'm kinda safe...) happened when I was in 3rd year. It was my second year of being in CS after I left engineering due to lousy marks. Having barely survived 2nd year on my own knowing only one other person, I realised that I better make some new contacts if I were to survive. (Now here comes the part that all you nosy people will love...) There was a girl that I always saw in my CS classes that I had a bit of a crush on for a short time. I noticed after one class that she knew an old res-mate of mine from 1st year. We both just happen to have the same class right after and we were both walking towards it. I was walking ahead of her by a bit... I was HEAVILY contemplating if I should talk to her. After 5 minutes of debating, I just said out loud "Oh hell, why not!" and turned around and just started talking to her. Just. Like. That. From that point forward, I got to meet others in my CS program that I must say helped me a lot and I cherish the friendship I developed with them. So that's definitely a risk that paid off. Eventually, the crush died off because soon after, I was dating my first gf and that girl ended up dating quite a few guys during the time I knew her. *shrug*. No matter. After getting to know her well, I learned that it wasn't going to work anyways. Meh...

Risk #2 would be easy for you to guess... dating my 2nd gf was a huge risk given the odds that I faced. Unfortunate that I failed in that task, but if I had to learn a tough lesson, I guess it had to happen. It resulted in the most happiest 2 years of my life so far, knowing that I had achieved the impossible. I cherish the memories of those 2 years, but it has gotten very painful now that things have turned to a zero contact policy. It's hard to have grown up with 3 sisters that tell you to never do this or that to a girl, only to end up actually doing it. While people make mistakes, I have the tendency of being extra hard on myself simply because I thought it would help me try harder to be better. So far, maybe it isn't working and only serving to depress me more.

So where do I stand now? I realise I have to stick my neck out a lot more at work if I'm going to finish my projects. Luckily this time, I've made good progress on at least ONE of them, but the other two are far behind schedule... As for other aspects of my life, hmm... all I'll say to my readers (especially the new ones =P) is "don't assume things based on what it seems on the surface." Right now, I'm juggling between the past and future. I'm too afraid to take an opportunity when it seems to appear simply because I'm not sure if I'm just reading the wrong signs again like during the breakup last year. It was because of these wrong signs that I ended up where I am now and I'm really not looking forward to getting burned twice. I feel that I'm simply not ready.

But then, maybe I need to get burned... do I have the balls to play the 6 rejection game? I wonder if I should even play... however, time waits for no man, as they say. If I don't get over my fear now, what will happen when the hour of truth comes when I don't even realise it? It's always about fear... it always has...

Walking down memory lane...

Originally, I wanted to do this on Xanga, but it doesn't have the ability to change the post's timestamp, so I'll do it here instead.

I closed down my old website quite awhile ago (actually, more like I let it die when Rogers merged with Yahoo!). However, there were some journal entries there. Just for posterity (and maybe due to a bit of sentimentality) I'm going to post it here. It'll be odd because it will jump from there to Xanga starting in 2003 and then back here again. Oh well. *shrug*

Anyways, feel free to go and take a look at the archives, oh brave reader.

The reports of death were greatly exaggerated

Ok... so we didn't really get chewed out per se... my coworker was just really hard on himself for what happened and really expected he'd get fired or something (doesn't that sound familiar? =P). But it seems things are ok now... so it's back to business and working hard to ensure we don't mess up again.

Thanks all for your kind words. I have to remind myself that I really am not alone here.

More music...

Moxy Fruvous - Stuck In The 90's

"Back in his day job this afternoon.
Unlikely he'll move down to Cuba soon.
Reluctant to find he's stuck in the 90's again."

Moxy Fruvous - B.J. Don't Cry

"B.J. don't cry no more.
Wonders what his heart is beating for.
He says he takes it much too hard.
Give my regards to B.J."

When things go bad, you often wonder if you should be here

In case you're thinking this is a suicide post, don't worry. That's one avenue I won't really be taking that easily. The only 'suicidal' death I will accept is if it is because I joined the military. Heh... even that sounds appealing now...

Well, just that I come to work today just to find out that our team has made a screwup again and will be getting chewed out for it despite the fact that it's not entirely our fault. However, this team has been everyone's scape goat for far too long. Worse off, my shift and the shift adjacent to it has only 2 people while the other 2 shifts enjoy having 3 people. That's rather unfair seeing that something like this could have been avoided if we had the extra person. Not exactly the best reason, but plus the fact that in a way, I've been working on a two person shift for more than a year now, it really irritates me.

I got an email today that's supposed to be of a speech by Steve Jobs back in June. It's one of those motivational ones that just tells you to get out there, find your dream, live it, and tell the world to fuck off basically. You know, days like this only serve to make me wonder if I have really just allowed myself to cower in fear and uncertainty to be able to do anything right. Have I really become that self-conscientious? I think so, but then, someone did say that I'm just being my own worst critic and just being hard on myself too much than I deserve. Something is wrong with me, that's for sure. I don't have the drive, the decisiveness, nor the time-management to get anything done. So, no kidding that I'm hard on myself... just that, nothing has changed...

This cancer crab needs to break out of his shell...

00:22 EDIT: Now that I've recomposed myself a bit, my mind suddenly wandered to this song:

"Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come, follow Me, and I will give you rest."

Ga Tung songs are good for the soul... I miss those years.

RIP Baby Chui. 07/18/1993 - 10/14/2005

The house is a lot emptier without him. He's always been such a cute and good dog. My sister loved him very much all the way to the bitter end. She's going to miss him the most because he's been her constant companion for the past 10 years that we've had him. It's going to be a hard week or so.

Baby was diagnosed with what I suppose we could say was stomach cancer of some type. He hadn't been able to keep his food down since August and was always vomitting after meals. We just thought that he sneakily ate something bad from the backyard all the time. But when it became regular, my sis took him to the vet and got him some special medicated food. When that didn't work, my sis took him back for a complete diagnosis. They stuck a camera down to inspect his stomach and found that a large mass has prevented his stomach from expanding right. It's kind of like a huge obstruction to the point the vets couldn't get a good diagnosis. They just know the mass is there and is probably the cause of him vomitting his food back up. There was nothing that could be done. Liquid diet didn't work either. So my sister had to make the final decision today.

We took him for one last visit to the park today. We drove him out to Sunnybrook park where there is a leash free zone for dogs. There were quite a few ppl and a LOT of dogs out there today. However, he was already pretty weakened and didn't play or run around much. It was pretty disheartening, but we knew that after so long that this was the best he could do. He lost a lot of weight already (from 26 lbs to 18). Finally, we took him to the vet for the last and final time. It was quite emotional. My sister just bawled after it was over. It was quite a sad scene. My big sis was there too and I really didn't know what to say. Times like this reminds me of our own eventual mortality... while I can only appear saddened by today, I honestly dread the inevitable in the far future. I know I will bawl my eyes out for those times.

Goodbye Baby. We'll always love you and cherish all the happy moments that you've given my sister and our family. You'll be sorely missed. RIP.

OMG I just saw an XBOX HUEG plane!

Working near the airport today. Just went to CIBC to grab some cash for lunch. Just as I step out of the bank, an aircraft was taking off from Pearson International. I look up just expecting the regular run-of-the-mill passenger jets, but no. Instead, I find myself staring at the huge-ass Antonov AN-124-100 cargo jet taking off. It was breath-taking... it's huge, it's loud... damn I wish I had a camera! Would've made an AWESOME picture... sigh... I think that just made my day a whole lot brighter. =)

(For those of you who don't share my love for aviation... meh. =P)
(EDIT: To respond to flo's criticism of the picture, the fact is that this aircraft is the 2nd largest plane in the world. So there! =P)

Pic for views! (It's very similar to this one. I wonder if it's the same one...)



(DOUBLE EDIT: Will this pic help you see how HUEG this plane is flo?? =P)



Photos courtesy of Airliners.net

The ladies asked me to take a hike again. How can I refuse? =P

Yep... another hiking trip. Actually, this is only the 3rd one I've been on so far. Went to my old stomping grounds in Hamilton surprisingly. We went to Webster's falls and actually went all the way around the place. Too bad not everyone got there on time due to extenuating circumstances. However, it was quite fun. It was very similar to the Tiffany Fall's trip I took w/ MCCC awhile back. Quite nice, but tiring. Ended up sleeping from 7pm until midnight. Seeing there was no point in staying up since I had to work this morning, went back to sleep until 4:30 this morning. I missed dinner and didn't even feel it. Not good.

Gotta go again sometime. Damn, golf season is almost over too. Getting cold... Old Man Winter is soon approaching. Can't believe another year has gone by so quickly... and without much progress in this thick skull of mine. Dammit brain, do something!

TEH HOCKEY ! It's still early... it's still early...

Dammit... just watched the Leafs lose a SECOND bloody time... UGH.

Why should I even bother...

It's still early... it's still early... it's still early...

*sob*

Unclutching these hands of pain

Let It Be - The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

------------------------

Yup... just let it be. There's nothing else to it. Just let it be.

Owning your dream car...

Man, I just found a green 1993 VW Corrado VR6 for sale for about $12,500 on Vortex... stunningly beautiful... exterior wise practically stock. I was very very very very tempted... oooooh.

Unfortunately, reason has to win in this case because

• Insurance would be pricey.
• The car is one of those types that needs a LOT of TLC, and I might not have the time, skill, and/or money to do so.
• Well, I don't think it's a good idea to spend all the money I've saved so far on a 12 year-old car.

But DAMMIT! It's a Corrado!! Oh, I really should go out and buy a 6/49 ticket... just in case...

Until then, I'll just have to fantasize...

*swoon*

Got spam? Yes. Want to kill the people that did it? FUCK YEAH

Yup... I saw some of my friend's blogspots get spammed... unbelievable.

Login and turn on your Word Verification in your Comments people! Save yourselves!

DEATH TO SPAMMERS!!!!

OMG You want me to wear THAT???

Ahhh... the joys of clinging on to my last bits of... lack of fashion sense... errr.... that didn't really make sense... hold on...

*scribble scribble*
*squeek squeek*
*scribble scribble*

Ok... to rephrase... ahhh, the joys of getting new clothes... and a new (ok, new to ME) look. So far, not as traumatic as I had feared. It's been a long time coming. It should've happened sooner, however, there wasn't anyone to help me in the beginning. Now I know who to ask for advice. The problem is, I can't keep asking them forever... I need to chisel the "young professional" look into my thick skull and keep it there until I become the "not-so-young professional" and then the "OMG I'm so old! professional"... and so on. Yay... why hasn't my brain been designed for this? Oh well, I suppose it'll come eventually... but my wallet shall bleed quite profusely until then. Great.

No matter. Thanks to all of you who had contributed... except Wenky cuz she gave me tacky stuff to try on just to amuse herself... bum. =P

A New Journey Begins

What a weekend...

First off, congratulations to my best friend Mark and Priscilla on their marriage. Cheers to a bright and wonderful future together! They just got married on Saturday. What a wedding. It really felt surreal to be there and to have taken part. It was a fun night. I don't know what else to say. It just feels really cool and well... I just can't put my excitment in words.

The future looks bright once again. I feel determined once again. I know what to do for now. Some things will just have to wait.

"And you're here because you think you killed your wife,"

That familiar cold metal in his gut, the rising ache. He'd never said it to Benny, never admitted it aloud. "I did kill her," Eli said, his voice dry in his mouth.

"You think it," Benny said, patiently. "You live it, again and again, by keeping it in your mind."

Eli frowned, feeling agitated now, angry. "So? I keep it in my mind. I feel bad about it, I... I deserve to be punished."

"And as long ad you believe that, you will stay here. If things were stable, outside, that might be all right, at least for a while longer. I wish you had more time... but things are speeding up, now."
...
"Time is moving."
...
"You think you deserve to stay in the pain, to repeat it. You think that you murdered your wife, and lost your relationship with your daughter because of it."
...
"Yes."

Benny reached forward and took his hand, looking into his eyes. "I know what it is, to stay in pain. You think it's beyond your control, that you don't have a choice... but you can decide to let it go. Because here's the thing - even if it's true, even if you actually murdered her, it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever happened, it's the past, now. For you, this place - " Benny glanced around at the dim, empty room. " - is like a cage of the past. It's a trap. And you can leave it behind. You can - you must - choose to set yourself free."

Tears trickled from his eyes, he couldn't help it, no longer cared. He felt desperate, felt he was being offered some impossible dream. "How? How?"

"By understanding time," Benny said. "By knowing the truth. You already know it, most people know it, but they let themselves forget. They hang on to the pain because it's familiar, because to let it go might mean having to change. It's easier to keep the pain than to ask the questions, to find out why you think what you think, to question why you do the things you do. Nobody wants that, nobody wants to tear themselves down, rebuild from the beginning, only to have to do it again, and again. But the nature of time, for beings like you and me - it has to be about movement. It has to be a process, not a goal. There is no goal."

"I know that, but - "

"You don't know it! Listen, Eli, hear what I'm saying with your gut, not with your mind. You think that holding yourself responsible for your wife's death, that staying in a place like this will help somebody, somewhere. You think your relationship with your daughter is something that is, a noun, a thing that can be broken, or fixed. Neither of those things are true. Time moves. Ruri is dead, she died long, long ago, and you are alive. What you have with your daughter isn't a thing, it's a process, a verb, it's something you create with each and every moment. If you want to atone for Ruri's death, then do it. Understand the process you have with your daughter, as much as you can, work with her to make each living moment worthwhile. But repeating the guilt, living in the pain, in the past - it doesn't work. It denies time. It denies life."
...
He felt compelled to tell Benny that he was wrong, somehow, that he needed to feel bad, to stay where he was... but a part of him knew better, too, knew that Benny was telling him the truth. He'd told himself that he'd broken his daughter's heart... and then clung to the guilt, using it, letting it victimize both of them instead of trying to understand the process of their relationship. So many years, wasted. How could he live with that, with knowing that? How -

"There's the trap again," Benny said, a hint of smile in his eyes. "Do you see? Get past the blame. See what's in front of you, see her. Let it go."

Eli shook his head, but not in denial of anything. It was such a leap of understanding, of faith, to accept - time moved. Was it really that simple? Could it be as easy as just deciding?

"It's never easy," Benny said. "But it is that simple. Stand up, Eli. Come with me. Decide to move on, to explore, to see what there is to see."
-------

Guilt... I'm starting to hate that word. A lot of things going through my mind... To get past the blame... the process... to start again... with that one sheet of paper...

A Bridge Too Far...

Funny I always love doing these pictoral blog entries...

I just wonder how long it'll take to rebuild this bridge, or if it can be at all...

In a bit of a.... pickle...

I cannot believe I just used that as my title... but... *shrug*. Whatever... at least I know it'll put a smile on someone's face when she reads it... you bum =P.

I'm at a loss of words of where I am. It seems I'm still not past my big life crises (plural for crisis... in case you're wondering). Even though I'm 26, I am not at the mental capacity of a 26 year-old (sees a lot of "Well, DUH!" signs pop up from the usual suspects =P). Yeah yeah, so it's not exactly news, but the fact that it isn't old news it's starting to irritate me. Perhaps being sheltered at home for so long has been detrimental. I feel an urge to expand, to grow... and soon. I'm quite terrified actually... because I'm contemplating something that I've only daydreamed about but thought wouldn't be possible. I want to quit my job... I've gotten comfortable there to the point I'm lazy. I'm not growing within the company as I had hoped. Sure, maybe a year is too soon to tell, but I can just feel it in my bones. Maybe after my 2 year anniversary, I'll make the jump... but I don't know. It's also the fact that I just don't know bugs the shit out of me. Why haven't I decided yet? Why haven't I developed the same ambitions and goals that other successful people have? Shouldn't I have a say on my life by now? What the fsck is going on?? Where do I want to go? What do I have to offer? Despite all the praise I've gotten from my bosses, I don't feel that I'm contributing in a way that would make a difference. Something is still missing. I feel like I need to get out from my home... truly away from my comfort zone to accomplish anything. My trip to SFO was a start... to truly travel alone... to go out and just... experience things... do I need to do that? If so, there's only one place I feel that I can go to just do that... at least, the only place I can think of given the strange interest that I've always had... those of you that know me well enough should know... where else did boys go to become men? It's almost getting to that point... and I am afraid.

I just know I need to do it... because many things depend on it... I want to change soon, because it's not that I'm running out of time, I'm scared that someone else is... Again, the phrase comes back time and time again... "My God, What Have I Done?"

SFO... wow

Currently Listening To: Faure - Pavane Op. 50

Just came back from my two week stint in San Francisco! Wow... all I know is that I really needed that vacation! It was great! Nice to meet up w/ friends, take my other friend who came as well sightseeing! Visit all the tourist traps I've been to 12 years ago! So fun!

Anyways, it was a very rewarding experience in the sense that... well... I've learned more about myself these past two weeks that will change things for me again for the rest of the year. Well, one of the big things I want to do will probably cause an uproar... but... I'll save that explanation for later. Also, boy... the people in California put me to SHAME in regards to my health and stuff... time to really put that workout regimen to use... I really need to get into shape... sigh.

Well, time to get back into the flow of things here... I got a lot of things to do... a LOT...

Really on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Well, good news is... I finished my so-called project. Sounds great right?

Well, bad news.... thinking about what car to buy when the Cavi goes back to GM in April... wanted something pricy, but after some considerations such as my eventual moving out and other 'future expenses' that I have to keep in mind, it might not be feasible. So what to do.... sounds like I might be going back to Saab again. With the GM Employee Discount thing happening, it might be the best bet once again.

Sigh again...

Must... Code... Faster...

It's Sunday... I have 3 days left... working 2 night shifts tomorrow and Tuesday... not much time left... and this is how I almost feel...
(DISCLAIMER: This could get ugly... VERY ugly)



Sigh...

QUOTED FOR TRUTH

"Remember kids, if you save half your income every year, when you turn 85...

...you may be sitting in a chair in a retirement home, blind as a bat, deaf as a pillar, and periodically soiling yourself, but the spoon you use to sip your thin gruel will be a SPOON OF PURE GOLD. And you will own it debt-free."

From a thread on the VWVortex. Something I think each of us should keep in mind. I think I'll have to settle for just a plain silver spoon that I can own debt free because of the amount of ass-raping OSAP is giving me lately... oh yeah... I'm dripping a nice trail of blood all the way back from Mac baby! =P

London... it could've been worse.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4661059.stm

Sigh... I don't even know what to say... prayers to the dead and wounded and their loved ones.

But it makes me wonder... will we ever be next?

The Brilliant Green - Wishing You

More Brilliant Green goodness! Damn, I didnt' burn this on my CDs... oh well, I guess I could always burn another compilation... grumble.

the brilliant green - wishing you
Lyrics: Tomoko Kawase
Music: Ryo Matsui

tooku tooku... nagai michi wo aruita
yoru wo hashiru kaze futatsu no kutsu oto
(Distantly, distantly... I walked down a long road
The wind that runs through the night, the sound of two shoes)

nayanda toki wa sugite mukaeta atarashii
(The time of worrying has past, and I've embraced the new... )

asa ni amai yume to tomo ni mezashite
(I woke up from a sweet dream)
Don't be afraid my dear...OK?
So baby smile "See you again"

itsuka no anata no yume kikasete mou ichido
(What you dream to be someday.... tell it to me one more time)
You can do anything if you want
Stand by you in your heart
itsuka mata aeru sou omou "Wishing you"
(I'll meet you again someday, yeah, I think... "Wishing you")

It's all right, You can do anything if you want
Stand by you in your heart...
itsuka mata aeru I'm always with you in your heart
(I'll meet you again someday, I'm always with you in your heart)
mata aeru Yes, I 'm always wishing you
(We'll meet again, yes, I 'm always wishing you)

The Grass Is Always Greener...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTR

For the three times I've returned to HK, the one thing that always brought me a feeling of joy and pride was seeing the MTR subway system. It's really odd that I could always remember the distinct smell of an MTR station and feel sentimental. Yes, I DID take a huge sniff when I went back in 2003... like as if you people didn't know I was already weird! =P

I know it is a very bad comparison because of the obvious differences between HK and Toronto, but I've always wondered out loud why can't the TTC be this good? I know the MTR sucks in the fact that the fares are pretty steep because you're paying based on the distance travelled versus the TTC where you just pay one fare for everything (which in my opinion is its Achilles' Heel). However, it's obvious that the added cost has allowed the company and the system to stay in good shape, while we can see obvious signs of the TTC becoming stagnant. Yeah, a bad comparison... this is not even apples to oranges... probably much worse.

My biggest complaint is that the TTC did not respond fast enough to the growth of Toronto and to build lines in areas that needed them desperately. An obvious one that I can think of right now is Scarborough. The RT is a complete joke in my opinion, because it doesn't cover much. They should also make a line on Steeles I think... connect it with the Yonge line... could serve those coming from Markham... and hahahaha, this I find funny because it's kind of stupid, but a line on Kennedy to Pacific Mall.. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. I think the TTC could make a killing just because of the mall's popularity (plus, it would get rid of a lot of the lousy drivers.. better for us and parking =P). But... this is all just a silly thought.

I don't have the knowledge of the whys and hows of the TTC... so there's really nothing that can be done for now. A lot of us that came from HK would easily make comparisons between the services in HK and those here in Toronto. Yes, HK ppl are a lot ruder, but at least they get the job done and quite quickly so. Here, we get the politeness, but you all should know the efficiency (or lack of)... it's a trade off, yes. Surely there is a way to get the best of both worlds?

I guess that's the issue with the Health Care system too... There's talk about that court case in Quebec that some think will open the flood gates to privatization and stuff. Naturally, there are those sounding the warning bells of doom saying that privatization will destroy the socialist identity of the country, etc etc... Personally, everyone was too slow to realise that things are going wrong. When news broke out years ago about the long waits and other things, shouldn't things have begun to get fixed back then? Man, I'm really on a soap box rant tonight...

I guess I just hate the fact that things could be better... at least, I think they can be. But then, who am I to complain when I haven't sorted out my own problems and made myself better? Ah well, I'll get off the soap box and get back to work... stupid projects... argh...

Rock On !!! The Brilliant Green !

Well, I'm sure certain folks are clammoring out there just ITCHING for an update.. (yes, I'm soooo popular... *hears the expected puking in the background*) soo.. but since I haven't been in the most cheery mood, I'll spare you from the usual self-pitying and talk about my current music binge!

As you can probably guess from my last entry, been diving into the Japanese music pool. Hahah da heck... well, first off, being a Gundam fan, I decided to catch the latest series that out right now called Gundam Seed. Now, the thing is, I've never liked Gundam Wing or any of the "alternative universe" Gundams.... umm.. what does that mean? Well, the original Gundam series took place in a certain "universe" with a certain timeline, chain of events, and specific technologies, etc. It's kind of like the Star Trek universe. All the Star Trek shows and movies took place in that "universe", where it was all tied together. Gundam Wing took place in another universe that was different from the original and its sequels. I'm a fan of the original, so I was very hesitant to watch Seed. But citing boredom and reviews that said it wasn't so bad, I gave it a shot. I was hooked right away, and I even liked the music so much I downloaded as much of it as I could. One of the songs I really liked is in the last entry. Seeing the english translation of the song made it even better. Yeah, being in a depressed mood would get you into songs like these. =P

One Japanese group that I've always loved was The Brilliant Green. My friend called them Japan's version of "Aqua" and "10,000 Maniacs"... I think... actually I'm quite sure he meant another group back in the 90s, but I just don't remember. Oh well... but yeah, I just found all their albums and grabbed them all. Hahaha now to figure out how to burn all the songs I like into the right combo of CDs.. times like these make me wish my car stereo can play MP3s.... sigh... oh well. Their style is purely rock... almost alternative-like, but not exactly either. They're great.. ya!

So that's it for today... tune in next week... or the week after, or the week after that..... or.... =P

Tatuya Ishii - River (Gundam Seed ED2)

Nani mo ka mo umaku yukanai modokashisa ni
Aseru kimochi wo osaete
Hagayusa to iradatashisa ni kokoro midare
Kakaekonda hiza kozou
(Nothing is going the way it should
I hastily subdue these feelings of impatience
All this anxiety and nervousness is sending my heart into disorder
Just a boy hugging his knees in the midst of it all)

Kuyashisa wo koraete namida ni furuete
Naita yoru ga akeru
(Shivering and in tears, I repress all my regret
I cried all night, but now it seems dawn is breaking...)

Sou
Tashika ni kimi no iu toori da yo
Ima nara hikikaeseru keredomo
Tsumaranai iji wo haritsuduketeru
Arukihajimeta ijou akiramenai
(So, undoubtedly you're right
Even though right now I may try to turn back
And I keep on being stubborn about it, though I know it's monotonous
I'll start walking again, this time even farther, and I won't give up)

Mou ichido kono te ni chansu wo...
(If I could get just one more chance...)

Subete kono mune no naka ni shimatte okou
Yume ga kanau made...
(I'll keep it all locked away in my heart
Until my dreams come true...)

Yarusenai hakanasa ni mi wo yudaneru hodo
Sonna ayaui jidai ni
Agaitemo te no todokanai kishi wo mezashi
Muga muchuu de oyoida
(I surrendered myself to a dismal emptiness
in the most critical of times
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't quite reach
Aiming for the shore
I had to swim for my life)

Nagare ni sakarau koe mo agerarenai
Yukitomari no basho de
(Withstanding the current, I can't even raise my voice
It could have been the end right there, but...)

Sou
Ai ga subete tasukeru to wa
Omowanai dakedo kimi no hohoemi
Kokoro wo iyasu sono kuchibiru ni
Tachiagaru yuuki wo morau no sa
(I don't think that love can save everything,
but there's something about your smile
that somehow healed my heart, and in your lips
I found the strength to stand up again)

Mou ichido kono te ni chansu wo...
(If only I could get just one more chance...)

Kawa no nagare wa kyou mo hageshii keredo
Kimi no te wa hanasanai
Itsumo kono mune no naka no ai wo shinjiteiyou
Yume ga kanau made...
(The flow of the river is intense even today
But I won't let go of your hand
I'll believe in the love that's in my heart forever
Until my dreams come true...)

Sou
Ai ga subete wo tasukeru to wa
Omowanai dakedo kimi no hohoemi
Kokoro wo iyasu sono kuchibiru ni
Tachiagaru yuuki wo morau no sa
(I don't think that love can save everything,
but there's something about your smile
that somehow healed my heart, and in your lips
I found the strength to stand up again)

Tashika ni kimi no iu toori da yo
Ima nara hikikaeseru keredomo
Tsumaranai iji wo haritsuduketeru
Arukihajimeta ijou akiramenai
(So, undoubtedly you're right
Even though right now I may try to turn back
And I keep on being stubborn about it, though I know it's monotonous
I'll start walking again, this time even farther, and this time I won't give up)

Mou ichido kono te ni chansu wo...
(If only I could get just one more chance...)

Kawa no nagare wa kyou mo hageshii keredo
Kimi no te wa hanasanai
Itsumo kono mune no naka no ai wo shinjiteiyou
Yume ga kanau made...
(The flow of the river is intense even today
But I won't let go of your hand
I'll believe in the love that's in my heart forever
Until my dreams come true...)

The Needs of the Many....

"No matter how exotic human civilization becomes, no matter the developments of life and society nor the complexity of the machine/human interface, there always come interludes of lonely power when the course of humankind, the very future of humankind, depends upon the relatively simple actions of single individuals." - from The Tleilaxu Godbuk, DUNE MESSIAH by Frank Herbert

..... sometimes, don't we all just wish we were such individuals?


......... maybe.... just maybe.... in His Plan....... we are...........

When your own brain isn't enough, maybe it's time to buy another one =P

Gaaah... absolute organizational hell!!

As if there wasn't already enough proof that my time management skills are pure shit... got so many things to catch up on.. work projects, doing things for GT, and of course, the other parts of my life such as plans w/ friends and all that... yes, I finally have some actual plans with people for once... =P

My organizational skills in the big picture are so terrible... I need to find a way to sort it out better. I need some kind of calendar software.. similar to MS's Exchange that I have at work... I can run some kind of resident proggy that pops up when an appointment or something comes up... I actually think I have something like that but I don't know how to use it.. rofl. Maybe I should reinstall it and see....

Gonna collapse from all this... *THUD*

A picture is worth 1000 words

Found something really neat.

http://home.f01.itscom.net/spiral/t_rando/t_rando1.html

It's an abandoned amusement park somewhere in Japan. Very cool pictures.

Apparently, there's a whole website full of pics of abandoned areas:

http://home.f01.itscom.net/spiral/research.html

Looking at the pictures while listening to a bass-less chillout ambient tune is quite an interesting experience.... very chilling in the scary sense, yet at the same time, very thought provoking.

It just makes me think, if the day humanity dies off, will the resulting world look like this? Our legacy left behind... waiting for someone else to discover? I like this kinda stuff... heh.. no wonder I'm such a Sci-Fi fan.... outworlders seeing Earth for the first time after humanity is long gone, only to find the remains of our civilization... very cool.

I dunno, my last blog entry seemed very disorganized and messy, but it seems my life feels that way. I am kinda peeved lately for various reasons. Life is pretty blah... very blah.

And I Ran... I Ran So Far Awayyyy...

Somehow, the theme of "running" came into my head last night as I struggled to get to sleep so I could make it to work this morning. I failed big time as I overslept by two hours, waking up at 7:15.... didn't get to the office until an hour later. Worse off, I had to work at the Airport Rd. datacentre so that's why it took so long. Fortunately, nothing was happening that needed my immediate attention. I'll just stay the extra hour to make up for the time I was late.

So why was I thinking about running yesterday? Simple... first one is obviously my desire to keep a jogging habit going. I missed last week, but I guess my huge ass walk downtown w/ Johnny was good enough... I haven't been able to jog more than 10 minutes anyways... my anemia won't allow me to go any further so far. I guess I should take it easy since I'm just starting off. Next is to take up a sport. One option has been golf as I know quite a few ppl that play. I could always do that easily. Second is someone mentioned some recreational volleyball. Might give that a shot too even though I suck majorly. Maybe this will help me build my upper body.. hahaha..... sigh...

Second reason is probably the one that disturbs me the most.... I want to get away from here.... just for a short while... I wanna take a vacation. Somehow, something made me feel completely sick to my stomach, something just made me wanna say.. "JUST FUCK THIS SHIT!" I just wanna walk away from it all.... just get away from certain things.... Maybe it's because I'm getting a very good sense of where I wanna be, who I wanna be around, and what kind of people I want to meet from now on. I'm starting to get a better sense of self identity that perhaps I've never truely realised until now. I have to admit that I now understand why I will never want to move to Asia. In pure simple terms, I just do not belong there. I belong here. I am a North American. I will never fit in anywhere else. That's it. I just don't fit in there...

Maybe I'm being stubborn again, and maybe I'm being selfish. Somehow, I just don't seem to give a rats ass anymore... I think after an entire life of bending my back for some people, I just can't do it any longer. Not that my back will turn straight rigid right away, because one cannot build a strong spine when there wasn't one there to start with =P. But, I just get the feeling I know what I want to get away from... and I think it's time to take that into consideration when I make some choices. However, it makes me feel like I'm running away from my problems again. Like as if I've ever really faced them seriously head on. It's just the way I've always been... ran from a fight until my back was against the wall... ran from responsibility... I just... keep running away. Right now, I feel like doing the same again. Just get away from everything... too bad I can't take time off. Maybe I should go somewhere during my 3 day breaks. Should be good enough for a road trip or something... but then, not like anyone can come with me... Oh well, alone time is something I've gotten too comfortable with anyways.

Music, Age, and all that Jazz...

End of April is here practically. That means end of exams for some, beginning of spring, rainy weather-ish, and other stuff. For me, it means, "OMFG I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR THE PAST 4 MONTHS!!!!!11111oneoneoneoneone". Yeap... stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllll behind.... sigh.

Anyways, apparently the HK movie Kung Fu Hustle or "Gong Fu" by Stephen Chow is out in theatres here... very interesting. I actually watched it already awhile back I think January or February... or even before that? Forgot... but anyways, I have to admit that I haven't watched a funny Stephen Chow movie in SOOO long. I loved his classics, but his recent stuff like Shaolin Soccer never appealed to me in the same way. This was loong overdue. I loved this movie. I cracked up so much. I ended up grabbing it for myself and been rewatching it. Still funnay!

I have NO idea why, but I went online and downloaded the soundtrack for the movie. For some fruity reason, I just loved the music in the movie, especially all the parts w/ the "yee woo" (chinese instruments)... oh geez. Not as if I ever needed any more proof that I'm aging... (hears more laughter coming from the usual sources... you know who). Will this mean I'll start listening to chinese opera? Errr.... no. =P But I guess it only backs up my claim that I got some weird music tastes that no one else understands... =P Ah well... I don't care. I love music and that's all that matters! Hopefully, the music will put me in a working mood.... but so far... not happening. Damn...

Presenting: Pope Benedict XVI

Just been watching the live broadcast... so Cardinal Ratzinger has been elected as the new Pope. Pope Benedict XVI. Well, all I'll say is that it's now the beginning of a new era. We shall see what this new Pope will bring. Glory to God in the highest. Amen.

For you ladies out there that have told me to go take a hike, I finally did today =P

That's right ladies and gentlemen... I, a man that hasn't done any serious exercise for the past.... I dunno... 3-4 years... actually went out and did something healthy! I went karaoke last night with my friend Geoff and he introduced me to some of his friends. It was pretty fun. They mentioned that they were going to go hiking this morning. Since I planned to actually start doing some exercise this year, I decided to join in. It was actually pretty fun. Very exhausting, but fun. I am soo tired right now I actually plan to sleep pretty soon. But right now, I end the day knowing I did something good for myself and I actually feel very good too! Definitely need to do this more often. It just proves that regular exercise does help, not just physically, but mentally as well. Now, I hope I don't lose this optimism later on as time drags on again.

After hiking, we all went to have lunch. All day breakfast... yummy... Then after squabbling about where to go next, we finally decided to hit the driving range. I haven't swung a golf club in two years, but apparently, I'm actually alright. I could hit the ball a good 150 (yards? feet?), although I slice the ball right a lot. Now I feel motivated to learn golf this year. Unfortunately, my dad sold off his old clubs to someone so now I have no clubs to use. Damn. I bet he wants to get me a set from China... oh joy.. watch them break in a few weeks. =P

Definitely a great day, but I ended up missing mass... I'll have to make up for that next week. All in all, a very productive day. I think I should ask some others to come along next time. Anyone wanna join me? =)

Assertion error detected....

....... what da hell do I want? And why is it that I am unwilling or unable to just go and get it?

....... why?

Ladies and Gentlemen, John Paul II has left the building...

Well, everyone knows what happened over the weekend. Our beloved pontiff Pope John Paul II has passed away. No words could describe how great he was to us. We will surely miss you, our beloved Commander in Chief...

As I was saying, I was on my little road trip over the weekend to do the GT promotion at Queen's and Ottawa/Montreal. (Mike: GT is the acronym for the chinese for Eastern Canada Chinese Catholic Living Camp, a retreat we hold every Labour Day weekend that I've been a part of since '96.) It was a pretty fun weekend. Was nice to see some friends from Queen's again and had a blast staying up late eating late dinner and then deciding to not go and then to go to bbtea afterwards. lol...

Then Saturday, drove to Ottawa to do the promotion there, and on the 417 highway, I had the dubious honour of nearly tearing off the front of an idiot van that came out into our lane after making the smartass decision of trying to cram into the slow lane and nearly rear-ending the bunch of cars in it... phew.. what a mouthful. Anyways, thank God I insisted I went to Young Drivers (although some of my own stupid driving mistakes might make you wonder... but it's not YD's fault, it's mine =P). Met up w/ Betty for coffee/hot chocolate who I haven't seen since Christmas. Was nice to chat w/ her again after all this time. Too bad the weather was terrible or I wouldn't mind taking a look around Carleton U (where she's attending school right now). Heard the news of the Pope's passing that afternoon. Sunday, did the promotion in front of the chinese mass in Ottawa. Quite interesting as there really weren't any youth in our target age, but a lot of youngin's and the parents of such potential youths that were interested in our presentation. Ah well, I say it was a job well done. Honestly, I felt very unprepared b/c I realized I haven't done any public speaking in a LONG time... but I was fortunate to have the extra time to prepare during mass b/c it was in mandarin (therefore, I didn't understand the sermon and thus I took the time to practice my lines. I'm so bad =P). Cool thing was, the priest was a non-chinese that spoke cantonese and was learning mandarin. Very cool.

Anyways, back home and back to the humbug that is work. The more things change, the more they stay the same... as they say. Damn, I'm sleepy...

Stuck at home for next day or so...

Well, certain members of the audience has noted that there are not enough updates to satisfy their needs, so... here. =P

Anyways, dropped off my car to get fixed yesterday morning, so I'm stuck at home today and most of tomorrow until I go off to Kingston/Ottawa for the GT promotion. Wonder how the car will look like when I pick it up Monday... will it look like it should? Here's hoping...

It's 6am!! And once again, I'm awake... slept at midnight-ish and woke up 5 hours later. Sigh... it's like I'm getting ready for work. I guess my body has this schedule down pat. Guess I'll be knocked out later for afternoon nappy. Until then, I guess I'll play some GT4 or something... Damn, should go rent some movies... but how to get there... so far away... unless I sign up membership at that Rogers Video nearby... hmmm...

Speaking of the GT promotion, I better think of what to say during the presentation... need to be lively and cheery!.... unlike how I've truly felt lately... I know what's wrong... just... how to fix... and I'm supposed to be 25? lol.... shit... 26 in 3 months... ohhhhh crap....

Alright, that should be enough mindless chatter to satisfy you ppl.. now go do something productive! I'm just going to sulk and play video games or watch movies or... do something productive? That would be a first...

When there ends up being no difference between night and day...

Awake at 6am again... except this time, I ended up sleeping all the way from 4pm yesterday until now. Woke up maybe once or twice in between, but ended up not leaving my bed at all. Gotta love my sleep schedule. Best thing is, I have to work night shift again tonight. Joy...

Was a pretty good weekend. For one thing, it's Easter, so there's the religious part to it and all. One of our members of the Mac CCC got baptised on saturday. Pretty cool in the sense that it's a first, that's for sure. It's true that we always end up having some non-Catholics joining us for some reason or another, and it's great to see that even one has decided to convert. Definitely a great moment.

Had lunch with some bible sharing group folks yesterday after Easter mass. Nothing too special. The viet noodle I ordered wasn't bad, but I made the mistake of pouring all the sour sauce into it so it was rather gross at the end. Ended up going home, and then falling asleep.. until now! =P

I've noticed that I've been very quiet lately... not really having much to say. Perhaps I'm starting to wallow in self-pity again. Gotta get out of this... it's like nothing is changing. Sounds like a lot of ppl are going thru some tough crap as well so it's not like I'm the only one. On the other hand, I think I realise that I'm not doing very well religiously either. Seeing how I missed mass for 3 weeks and then comes Easter, something feels missing. I don't know... things look dangerous... very dangerous....

Another great time waster

To start things off, I want to promote something I found while I aimlessly surfed the Intarweb at work:

I think I found the world's largest Cheeto

The Official World's Largest Cheeto Photochop Thread

I gotta stop reading these things, but you have to admit, some of those photochops are hilarious. Very reminiscent of the Lumber Jetta thread on the Vortex that has now gone to history... heck, the Lumber Jetta got Cheeto'd!

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now.... I'm still a neeeerrrrd and I owe a lot of people dinner. Ta ta! =P

Living up to the blog purpose *grin*

Haha, so someone has been complaining I talk about cars too much. Well, it had been the most pressing issue of the time for the past couple of weeks. At least I know my blog is living up to its mission of annoying you. Heh... w00t !

Anyways, stuck in the office again on another quiet night shift. Once again, not very productive as always as I find it very difficult to concentrate during the night. During the day, I think I can do much better though.

Been listening to Digitally Imported streaming radio to find new songs and also to kill time. Got quite a couple of 'new' songs from it and I'm pretty glad. Can finally burn some new CDs to listen to in the car. Now I just need to do the same for chinese music. Need to bug some ppl to send me some music. =P

Oh well, other than that... life is just.... well... life really. Yeap.

Why VW?? WHY???

Dammit... Just read on Vortex that the Mk. V Golf will most likely be available August 2006... four months too late for me. Plus, TDI and manual models probably won't be available right then and there anyways. So... what am I going to do? Right now, I'm torn between trying to negotiate a new short lease now on another car and then getting the Golf after or get another car altogether. That coupon from GM I got isn't going to last after April.... Decisions decisions...

Another lease will be a bad idea because that's just money wasted. Why should I dump money into a car I don't plan on keeping? Plus, can't guarantee I can get a SHORT lease.. looks like most car manufacturers want to do at least 4 years. I'll be fscking 30 years old by then! I'll want to have money to move out by then, not spend it on another car!!! Shit... should I try for the 9-2x?

Decisions decisions....

Action Stations! Action Stations! Set Condition 1 Throughout The Ship! THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I recently downloaded and watched the currently remade Battlestar Galatica. Well, it's not really a remake... more of a revision. It's really a different show but kinda like based on the original show from the 70s and 80s. I like it so far. I never watched the original so I'm saying I like it from an outsider point of view. There are those that will defend the old series to death and call this one blasphemic, but I'm not interested in that. Anyways, point being is... the title is borrowed from the show when they called battlestations on the ship during the beginning when the war broke out... What does that have to do with anything you may ask? Well, read on my dear audience... it's going to be a bit of a dreary one =P

I guess I'm just trying to instill some motivation to get some productive work done. Despite the drive to want to change during New Years, it hasn't been happening. I find myself still stuck in a rut... not really that motivated to do much on my free time. Heck, I haven't done much during WORK let alone at home. Something is still wrong... I don't know. Given how much this job is draining me, you'd think that I'd already have enough motivation to start working my ass off to get out of here. But somehow, I'm not really. I'm so behind on a lot of work... and I have a review with my bosses on Wednesday... shit. It's not going to look good... especially to our NEW manager. My old manager rarely got involved in our reviews except when it's time to hand in the homework. But this time, the new one is more involved with the well-being of our team. It's a good thing, but bad for me now as I have only this weekend to accomplish anything. Right now, I'm uber unproductive because I didn't sleep in the afternoon at all... I've been up for more than 12 hours now... and I know I'll eventually start collapsing. Gonna hook some hardcore caffeine soon before I lose it.

I need to change something... and fast. If I don't start producing results, the boss is going to be looking over my shoulder for EVERYTHING I do... or worse, I'll be out of a job. Can't let that happen, not when I still have a new car to aim for. That's it... if that's what it takes to motivate me, I'm going to print out a damn picture of the car and stick it on my wall as a CONSTANT reminder... shit... does ANYTHING work for me anymore?

OMFG I'm such a moron!!

Once again, my brilliant mind has allowed me to goof up completely.

Bad news for a lot of you... well... more for me. My car lease is actually FOUR years, not THREE... so... *sob*. I'm stuck w/ the Cavi for another year...
Well, two things though:
1) I can save more money now
2) I can wait to get the new Mk. V Golf. YAY!

Of course, 2 is dependent on if VWoA can get the car out in time for me to purchase. Right now, the release time is pretty tight... end of 2005/early 2006. Which one will it be? Pretty worried now... but I will find out in a year's time.

So... I guess my invitation to take manual lessons from me still stands and has now been extended to another year. Yeah, start signing up ladies and gents =P.

... a bug I tell ya! A BUG!! MUHAHAHAHA!!!

(Title being another vague reference to The Simpsons... if you've known me long enough, you would know that this is to be expected =P)

Alright... on my 3 day break from work until the weekend... then it's two weekends of night shifts straight... sigh... and to sweeten the deal, huge maintenance project this weekend. Joy...

I actually sat in the project preview meeting yesterday on recommendation that I do just to see what the process is for planning these things. Usually, my team's presence isn't required as our team managers are usually there on behalf of us. After sitting through it though, I think it's better if one of us goes instead because our bosses don't know our jobs 100% and usually miss out on things that are assigned to us but due to something missing or not set up right, we end up not being able to do it at all. With one of us there, we can easily go through the steps we're assigned and chime in if there's any difficulty or one of those things that we aren't responsible for. I think just being more involved will allow our team to "show off" how 'valuable' we are to the rest of the department which so far appears to question our everyday existence. But even so, building inter-department unity and cooperation is already a good thing too.

When I walked out of the meeting, it dawned on me just how much more insignificant I felt. Going through my brain and knowing what kind of skills I possess and comparing it to the more senior SAs and other IT gurus, I realise I have farrrr FARRRR more to go in terms of IT knowledge. I'm like.. SHIT... I really know jack compared to these guys.. I hope this kind of experience will only motivate me to pick up on my online courses and learning UNIX faster. But I know as I'm a bit "older" now (hears laughing in the background... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!), my ability to learn new things has diminished greatly. Maybe my timeline of jumping to a new department in a year is too ambitious for my slow brain... I guess I might have to linger on another year at most then. However, any longer and I'll collapse from this job... ugh..

I didn't end up doing any test drives today like I planned. Instead, went to a body shop to get a repair estimate. It's not as bad as I feared, but still a bit pricy.. sigh... the lessons I have to learn. Gotta take care of the new car better. I'm still heavily undecided on the new car simply because what I REALLY REALLY REALLY want won't be available until the end of the year earliest. Damn you VW!!

Once again, another boring post right? =P Blah!

I've migrated!

Ok.. first post on blogger. Hmm... rather interesting. I finally got the time today to move here. So far, it's pretty cool.

Anyways, today was a good day for me. I finally got off my lazy ass and went around for some test drives. Unfortunately, being the busy weekends that they are, I was only able to drive two vehicles, but it looks like my opinion has swayed to those vehicles for now.

Car number one is the Jetta TDI. I actually want the Golf, but they didn't have one on the lot. Just to get a feel for the engine, I said I'll take the Jetta.
First impression: The acceleration on the TDI is m4d tit3 y0! I could NOT believe how awesome of a pickup it had. I was hooked. The noise level wasn't bad for city driving, however, I plan to test drive a Golf at another dealership later on and see if I can put some highway time on it to make sure. The interior of the Jetta was VERY nice. But I think this one had the luxury package or something or other. The steering wheel had a plush material covering so it felt REAL nice. The seat support was awesome and the fit and finish was just as the dash-strokers have said on the Vortex. Overall, I'm hooked... I was so giddy when I left the VW dealership. Damn...

Car number two is the Saab 9-2x. Since I didn't have any luck getting a test drive for any other car, I decided to give this one a shot. Unfortunately, I haven't driven the Impreza to see the diff, but even so, I wouldn't be going for the Subaru anyways.
First impression: Having driven the VW first put this car at a slight disadvantage. I drove the one with the luxury package which I won't be getting... the difference being that it had leather seats. The interior doesn't look as nice as the VW, however, the driving characteristics were quite alright EXCEPT for one thing: bad throttle response. I was a bit perplexed that the throttle response was not very quick. I wonder if it's just my technique... I find it easier to blip the throttle on the Cavi for my downshifting than this car. It's the only negative point I had. The car was an OK and definitely not worth the money they were asking for. However, they got quite a few incentives on it to get rid of them, including a nice low APR. Still, the cost is too high for this car and I'd rather drive the dub if it came down to it. I'll see if they're willing to drop it to invoice. If they are, then I could be satisfied with this.

I'll have to do more test drives on Wednesday. Markham Mazda wasn't very friendly to me I think so I'll have to go somewhere else to test a Mazda3. No Cobalts/Pursuits with manual are available, but that is like my last resort anyways. I'll also try to get myself into a Golf TDI and maybe the 2.0 as a comparison as well. I'll have to hit Agincourt to do that.