"Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair"

Risk... and I'm not talking about that classic board game. This is just another life-related rant/entry/whiney post. =P

I've never been that much of a risk-taker. Not really anyways... although sometimes I wonder if my old habit of passively going about life was quite a big risk. =P Surely no sane person would dare to put out so little effort expecting everything to work out alright like I did. But anyways, whatever happened then, it has set what my life has become today. However, as I arrive in a new era and either getting past my quarter-life crisis or perhaps still experiencing/struggling through it now, I wonder if it's time I stuck my neck out a little more than I have lately.

I have a horrible habit of looking back on my past and "evaluate" the things I did. She said that I would have nothing but regrets... well, it always had been at times. Certain situations where I wish I did something else... the "what ifs" of life. Having a knack of liking history has its drawbacks. Historians love to conjecture what ifs in historical events. I have the unfortunate desire of doing that with my life specifically. The phrase "no regrets" doesn't really work for me, no matter how much I want it to. Perhaps I'm just male PMSing right now (if that's even possible, although some would probably get a good laugh out of that and agree) but I'm definitely not feeling so great.

Thinking about risk, I think about the FEW times I actually decided to take a risk and see what I gained from it. The only two instances I could think of at the moment happened during university. The first (while risky to even put it out on my blog, but I think that person doesn't read it so I'm kinda safe...) happened when I was in 3rd year. It was my second year of being in CS after I left engineering due to lousy marks. Having barely survived 2nd year on my own knowing only one other person, I realised that I better make some new contacts if I were to survive. (Now here comes the part that all you nosy people will love...) There was a girl that I always saw in my CS classes that I had a bit of a crush on for a short time. I noticed after one class that she knew an old res-mate of mine from 1st year. We both just happen to have the same class right after and we were both walking towards it. I was walking ahead of her by a bit... I was HEAVILY contemplating if I should talk to her. After 5 minutes of debating, I just said out loud "Oh hell, why not!" and turned around and just started talking to her. Just. Like. That. From that point forward, I got to meet others in my CS program that I must say helped me a lot and I cherish the friendship I developed with them. So that's definitely a risk that paid off. Eventually, the crush died off because soon after, I was dating my first gf and that girl ended up dating quite a few guys during the time I knew her. *shrug*. No matter. After getting to know her well, I learned that it wasn't going to work anyways. Meh...

Risk #2 would be easy for you to guess... dating my 2nd gf was a huge risk given the odds that I faced. Unfortunate that I failed in that task, but if I had to learn a tough lesson, I guess it had to happen. It resulted in the most happiest 2 years of my life so far, knowing that I had achieved the impossible. I cherish the memories of those 2 years, but it has gotten very painful now that things have turned to a zero contact policy. It's hard to have grown up with 3 sisters that tell you to never do this or that to a girl, only to end up actually doing it. While people make mistakes, I have the tendency of being extra hard on myself simply because I thought it would help me try harder to be better. So far, maybe it isn't working and only serving to depress me more.

So where do I stand now? I realise I have to stick my neck out a lot more at work if I'm going to finish my projects. Luckily this time, I've made good progress on at least ONE of them, but the other two are far behind schedule... As for other aspects of my life, hmm... all I'll say to my readers (especially the new ones =P) is "don't assume things based on what it seems on the surface." Right now, I'm juggling between the past and future. I'm too afraid to take an opportunity when it seems to appear simply because I'm not sure if I'm just reading the wrong signs again like during the breakup last year. It was because of these wrong signs that I ended up where I am now and I'm really not looking forward to getting burned twice. I feel that I'm simply not ready.

But then, maybe I need to get burned... do I have the balls to play the 6 rejection game? I wonder if I should even play... however, time waits for no man, as they say. If I don't get over my fear now, what will happen when the hour of truth comes when I don't even realise it? It's always about fear... it always has...