Two Kay Eight

And so, the year 2007 ends. It's been a pretty good year.

I started my new position that I truly enjoy.
I've learned some life lessons along the way (as usual).
Most importantly, I've truly closed the book on a dark chapter of my history of my own doing...

... and began to write a new one.

So, good-bye 2007. Hello 2008. I'm looking forward to meeting you and the future you will bring to me.

I've posted this on my Facebook but don't think I've posted it here before. I've liked this song since I found it on YouTube. The video is cool too. Don't worry about the lyrics this time. I know with most of my music posts there's always meaning behind the lyrics. This time, it's just b/c I like this song, although probably the only lines that would have any meaning at all are:

"The future is so clear
'Cause everything's right here
Inside of me
Inside of me"

Gouryella - Ligaya

Fallen Leaves to its Roots

Wuss, I have no idea if this translation is even close... but thanks for the song!

It's day 13...



Wang Lee Hom 王力宏 - 落葉歸根 Fallen Leaves to its Roots

舉頭望 無盡灰雲
那季節 叫做寂寞
背包 塞滿了家用
路就 這樣開始走
日不見 太陽的暖
夜不見 月光的藍
不得不 選擇 寒冷的開始
留下 只擁有 遺憾

命運 的 安排
遵守 自然 的邏輯
誰都 無法 揭謎底

喔... 遠離家鄉 不甚唏噓 幻化成秋夜
而我卻像 落葉歸根 墜在你心間
幾分憂鬱 幾分孤單 都心甘情願
我的愛像 落葉歸根
家... 唯獨在你身邊

但願陪你找回
所遺失的永恆
當我開口你卻沈默
只剩一場夢

而我卻像 落葉歸根 墜在你心間
幾分憂鬱 幾分孤單 都心甘情願
我的愛像 落葉歸根
家... 唯獨在你身邊

My head lifts to gaze the endless gray clouds
That season is called loneliness
My backpack is full of personal necessities
And that is how my road began
The warmth of the sun cannot be seen in the day
The blue of the moonlight cannot be seen in the night
There is no choice but to choose a cold beginning
Staying here will only have regret

Fate's arrangement
Abiding nature's logic
No one is able to uncover the riddle

Oh... Far from hometown, No extreme sobbing
Transforming into autumn leaves
I’m feeling like “Fallen Leaves to its Roots”
Falling into your heart
A little of sorrow, A little of loneliness
I am all willing to
My love is like “Fallen Leaves to its Roots”
Home… will only be by your side

I wish to accompany you to find back
The eternity which was lost
When I speak you were silent
And only a dream was left

I’m feeling like “Fallen Leaves to its Roots”
Falling into your heart
A little of sorrow, A little of loneliness
I am all willing to
My love is like “Fallen Leaves to its Roots”
Home… will only be by your side

Day 11

I have been back in Toronto 11 days. The first 4 days I was haunted... haunted by dreams... dreams about her of course. Perhaps I really am going crazy...

As I settle back to my so-called normal life, I do admit that there doesn't seem to be much sense for me to move over and leave everything I have here behind. I mean, I got a decent job w/ decent pay, I have my best friends here, and my family. Why shouldn't I stay?...

Because she is not here...

I don't understand it myself... this... endless debacle. It's been 3 years... 3 years... I am crazy.

Most people would think that I am hopeless, like I am clutching onto straws. I can't explain it. If I could, I would try to fix it. But I can't. I don't know why. I just know... I can't stop.

So I will keep walking this road I have decided upon. Perhaps this road will not lead to what I expect, but whatever the end, it is where I am supposed to be. That is what faith is about.

All things are possible with God. I just ask that I be fearless as I take each step, no matter what may cut my feet on the way...

"She Has No Time"

I'm back from the journey... back from the mission. Things are still terribly wrong...

I thought I had found salvation... I thought I had finally gotten past my problems... but just 3 days worth of time with her... and my world comes crashing down again. I think I've lost my mind entirely...

I've told her on the last day that I still loved her. But my words are meaningless. We are still of different worlds. Will that change? It's very obvious that she has a special role and place where she is. While neither she or I know what God intends for her, but I could tell it is important. That leaves the question of me... I am the deciding factor. I need to make a bold move. Actually, many bold moves.

I think I need to ask myself this one scary question, "What would happen if she found someone else again?" At this juncture, it would kill me even more. I have found that my feelings for her are even stronger than before. But if I keep asking myself that, would my answer stay the same?

God, help me face my future... whether it's with or without her... I should assume the latter, but I feel driven to make the former happen. I feel the need to take action, whether it is the right or wrong decision. Even if life over there ends up killing me...

For now, just another song for me to listen to... yes... unfortunately at least for now, I've turned on emo mode... Pray for me that I turn it off soon.


Keane - She Has No Time

You think your days are uneventful
And no one ever thinks about you
She goes her own way
She goes her own way
You think your days are ordinary
And no one ever thinks about you
But we're all the same
And she can hardly breathe without you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Think about the lonely people
Then think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself
And see it all dissolve around you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Lonely people tumble downwards
My heart opens up to you
When she says

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Hope, Faith, and a New Mission

What a difference 24 hours (and a long encyclical) can make.

Yes, I was depressed yesterday... AND this morning as well. Didn't give me a good start. I couldn't even bear to look at her anymore. I knew I was losing fast. So the opportunity came to have another talk during lunch as everyone else had fanned off to their own itineries. So I brought up how I felt at that moment. I still had strong feelings for her. I could not explain it. I wanted her back badly even knowing I could not get an answer right away.

From this day alone I can pinpoint two of the things that I adore her for:
1) She has a wisdom that I've learned to cherish. She can tell me things about myself that I should have realized but sometimes don't. She is like my psychiatrist.
2) She will talk about topics that I've always enjoyed discussing, sometimes ones that I just don't find with other people for some unknown reason.
Perhaps these two reasons made a weak foundation for our relationship back then... maybe I loved her for the wrong reasons, maybe it wasn't really love. Who knows. But back to the point...

She asked me to start looking deep within myself. What was it that caused me to initiate the breakup? And to keep digging deep until I find a basic and fundamental reason. What were my weaknesses? She told me that I had come looking for answers, expecting some kind of result, but couldn't get it. We people have to realize that the part of being human is sometimes NOT getting these answers. Do we really know where we are going? Of course not. So why should I be able to expect an answer from her when it is not something pressing on her mind? No wonder I am disappointed and depressed.

She mentioned that after her experiences, she realizes that an important part of relationships is that each person has to truly know themselves. Did I know myself? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Did I know what I wanted? Yeah, I did not really look at these things very deeply at the time, and perhaps up to this day I haven't. I wondered if I ever will.

She went to meet up with a friend and I, feeling completely lost and without any hope left, headed for my Aunt's where I was staying. I didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of the day, but I certainly felt like just crawling under a rock and staying there forever.

Then I remembered. Pope Benedict XVI had written an encyclical recently on the topic of Christian Hope. Since I had nothing better to do and had no hope left in my soul, I decided to read it.

My Lord, how You amaze me so...

Right off the bat, it talked about how we people could not always have clear answers. Faith is believing that whatever drives us everyday will eventually lead us to those answers, our purpose in our lives that we so want to know but don't. It was so in line with what she said to me earlier today that it struck a huge chord in me. This really was a lightbulb over the head moment. I kept reading it. It's a pretty long encyclical as even after 3 hours I was only halfway through. But there was so much in it that made sense and connected with what we discussed at lunch that I felt I had reached a turning point.

The closure I have sought for so long has finally come.
(At least, I really hope so. I don't want this to be a short-lived thing again)

So I felt great. I started to truly believe what I said earlier: letting her go to do what God wills her to do for Him. I have to stand aside and let things go as they should. I also have to start praying and listening harder for Him to show me where He wants me to go. As we walk on the journey of our lives, where we end up, we won't know. But it doesn't matter. Will we end up back together again? Who knows, and it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter! My faith is what keeps me from being afraid of drifting from her b/c it might be necessary! If I do not let her go, no one will benefit, especially me. As Spock said in ST 6, "let the universe unfold as it should." I must live with that mantra.

So I expect to return to Toronto in triumph. We have accomplished what we need and know also what is the next step. I believe that my low self-esteem could be a fundamental flaw I must deal with. It's not an easy one so I think I will choose to tackle one aspect that is the most easiest, and that is my physical appearance. Get in shape and be able to look into the mirror and be happy with myself. Sure, it may seem like a trivial thing, but the fact that I look at myself every morning feeling unsatisfied puts a kink in my self-esteem right at the start. So it does have a large multiplying factor to how I feel about myself. So let's deal with that first! It's the easiest! Whatever comes next, we'll figure out on the way. It's all about the journey now anyways, not the destination!

So there it is. Let us begin this renewal with confidence and with faith that God will show me the way despite the odds. Fears be damned indeed!

PS: If you are interested and have like, MANY hours to kill, the encyclical can be found HERE

Matthew 22:21

"Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s"

-------------------

I am dying inside.

The feeling is like the end of the Korean War... agree to a ceasefire, but no final peace settlement... both sides still technically at war with one another... an uneasy peace... such an impasse has lasted for more than 50 years now. Yet I'm struggling to handle the impasse that I have been given since Tuesday.

I am dying inside.

I struggle deeply knowing that as things stand, the chances of success are very low. Our paths appear to have parted almost to the point of never meeting again. She is very determined to live the life that God has shown her so far. I understand that. I fully support it even. But then, I am left alone... Yes, it was my own doing, but in hindsight, if it helped her focus on her program and her mission, then it was for the best. Of course, the method I chose to do it was still wrong. I'll have to get over that...

If there is anything at all that can be done, is that I myself have to take all the steps to try to even begin to rebuild this gift. But then, it would be a really big step. I'd have to leave everything behind. And would doing so be a good idea? While I would foolishly say that she is worth everything to me, but I feel I am corrupted enough to not do it in the end. That is troubling...

Yesterday when I was at Macau with her and met up w/ a mutual friend from Toronto, they discussed a lot of things that struck me very deeply. One of which is letting go. Yes, I've tried to do it many times over the past year or so and failed miserably. But this time I probably have to try again with the logic that, I might have to let something go in order to discover if it is really mine. You know that old saying, "If it was meant to be, it will come back to you again." I think this is what I must do. This was God's gift to me that I have returned to Him (in a very poor fashion unfortunately). I have to let go completely to see if God will give this gift back to me again. Not as easy as it sounds. Pray hard... pray hard...

The conflict I feel is that ok, we must stand down and give our lives to God, ask Him what He wants from us and to fulfill this mission to the best of our ability. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a deaf guy and have never been able to find this out for myself. I can only guess, but even today I really don't understand what my purpose is. So one thing I could do is continue on the path that I'm walking and keep asking God along the way what to do next.

The problem I have with that is I am terribly afraid that this path will only take me further away from her. Her life is here, I think I can see that. She feels that the continual development of Macau is only an opportunity, not something to be frowned upon like some would think. Sure, there is the risk of having some unsavory parts like Vegas, but that's the beauty of it. This is her front line. This is her battle. It is a glorious purpose, one that I somewhat envy. For me, I feel something similar in Canada seeing how we've legalized same-sex marriage and all that. It's pretty much the same thing. So there's my fear. Our lives have taken roads apart from one another. But all this time I've spent with her, it only makes me realize just how much I desire her more. It is a terrible prospect.

What should I do? I will get my HK ID to open the possibility of working in HK. But do I really want to do that? I am so culturally different that it might be a bad idea. Also I know I'm a bit slow in terms of work ethic which might not meet the standards that people here expect and therefore make me very unwelcome. I'm also wondering if this is not putting my life in God's hands but instead taking it from Him. Me taking all those actions... am I forcing it? I really wish I could answer. Would forcing it only cause me to drift further away? The fistful of sand analogy... gripping it tighter only makes it slip faster...

I don't even know if I can bear to see her any more than I already have. I am definitely too selfish. I am yearning for something that as of right now, I cannot have. Whether or not I'll be able to have it again someday, I can't tell right now. Most likely not. Will my heart and mind just accept that fact and move on? Not right now, that's for sure. Hence why the passage at the top strikes me so much tonight. Her life belongs to God. So therefore, I must give to God what is His. I must learn to let go of her life.

God, help me learn to do as You will. Perhaps that is the miracle that I truly need...

Gone nowhere

Today was the day. I've gone and did what I had to do. I did not get the results I needed, but in a way what happened shouldn't have been a surprise.

I don't feel like writing about it right now, so I'll tell another WWII story to give you the end result.

OPERATION TIDAL WAVE
August 1, 1943
Target: Oil Refineries at Ploesti, Romania

On August 1, 1943, 177 US bombers took off from Benghazi, Libya to attack oil refineries in Ploesti, Romania. This site was unreachable by aircraft operating from England so they were never attacked until this day. However, this gave considerable time to prepare anti-aircraft defenses in the area. Indeed, they had become quite formidable.

Of the 177 bombers sent, only 88 were able to make the trip home. 53 were shot down and the rest either ditched in the Mediterranean Sea or landed elsewhere. The raid had been estimated to destroy 66% of the refinery capacity, but the refineries were not running at full capacity anyways so production was diverted to undamaged areas and the site was able to resume pre-raid production levels within weeks.

In short, after all that effort, nothing changed. Right now, that is how I feel. I've done what I wanted to do, but no conclusive result occurred. So it is still the status quo. And to me that just sucks.

Requesting Take Off Clearance, Over...

In a little over 12 hours from now, I will depart for the journey that I have waited too long to make... I cannot even begin to describe what exactly is going through my head right now. I'm expecting the worse given that I haven't seen any good signs for the past few months since we've began talking to each other again. I am very doubtful. Perhaps a bit too doubtful, since most people would agree that whatever the end result may be, it would be a good thing for me. I do agree deep down, but as of right now, I really don't know how I will respond to a negative outcome. I'm scared shitless.

Once again, I'm asking for nothing less than a miracle. Nothing else would present the positive outcome that I hope for, as delusional, unrealistic, and plain irresponsible as I am. Whatever happens though, I know I need to be more faithful, not just to God, but to myself as well. I am only what I think I am. To overcome every difficulty in my life, I must believe that I am capable of doing it. Fears be damned.

So let me end this entry with another wonderfully boring story from WWII history (shamelessly taken from Wikipedia):

BATTLE OF MIDWAY: June 4 - 7, 1942

Task Force 16 Commanding Officer: Rear Admiral Raymond A. Spruance

The actual departure time of aircraft from Enterprise’s decks depended still on the distance each of the two opposing forces would cover, the direction of the wind and its velocity, the degree of accuracy of the reported position of the enemy, payload and fuel capacity, speed of manning the planes and starting them, time between first and last launch, combat radius, and “the time required to send the attack order by flashing light on the Hornet, also under Spruance’s command. Computing all this was Browning’s job, his considerable job. “But it had to be without delay. Spruance wanted his planes up and flying at the earliest possible moment.”

Browning computed 0700.

Spruance accepted.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Lost

And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

teh shall0w !

While I've always known that I have pretty good eyesight, I will always thank God for allowing me to have it for so long and that I pray I will continue to have it in the future and be able to use this gift to benefit those around me.

Today, I make a shallow post to be thankful to have the eyes to see the pictures I saw today.

All I can say is... DAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!

(proceeds to go bang his head against the wall)
why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why...

Ahem... yeah, I think those of you in the know should have an idea of what I'm talking about... *blush*

Yeah, I think I'm kinda shallow... but then, who isn't in one way or another?

Difficult Challenge Lies Ahead

First off, you guys should know me well enough to know I'm a super geek/nerd type person. So, feel free to start rolling your eyes ahead of what you will see.

I still can't get enough of the xkcd comic. Here's another one that is also representative of what I have to prepare myself for:


Yes, I'm a nerd. But also yes, I'm going to need to do something SUPER hardcore to accomplish what I want to.

What will be the outcome? Only time will tell.

Webcomics... again

Found another webcomic to follow... This one is just... geeky. It's at http://xkcd.com/ in case you're curious.

While most of it is geeky and mathy, there are a few I would consider "artistic" that are pretty cool and a few mushy ones.

This is an artsy one that probably described the time of my fateful decision:


It is titled "FALL APART". Pretty self explanatory.

Boy was I stupid

It's interesting to truly see how much of a retard one was by walking back along the path to see what one had done and its consequences. Apparently I had forgotten a great deal of what I've done, but all I can see is the massive destruction that resulted from it. It's like I left a trail of napalm wherever I stepped.

I was hoping to walk back across a bridge I thought was still there... only to see that in my own foolish, stupid, black-hearted way, I had blown the bridge completely up.

So I guess that further concludes my journey back.

Time to turn around again... this time for good.

11:30pm EDIT: Time to rebuild the bridge. And it's going to take some doing.

---------------

"I keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself. Of course, my brothers, I really do not think that I have already won it; the one thing I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead. So I run straight toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above."
- Philippians 3:12-14

---------------

My God, what have I done? And I damn better have learned my lesson from all of this... To repeat this mistake again would kill me...

... and then it was gone...

All I have to say right now is, What.The.Fuck.Just.Happened???

I guess I've finally opened my eyes... that my senses have finally been able to see the reality in front of me that I had denied for so long... that even though I thought the door was still there, but in truth, as each day passed during these 3 years, there was a brick wall going up... one brick at a time... until finally, the door was sealed away forever...

Now I stand before this brick wall. And yet, I feel ok with that? I suddenly feel at ease? Then what the heck was I doing for the past 2-3 years??? My friends say that it's actually alright... that perhaps the recent events have given me the closure I need. To hear her actually talk about someone else other than me... for her to shed tears over someone other than me... I think that just did it... I truly realize that I am finished. For good.

So now, it seems like I don't even need to do anything anymore... well, I already set in motion the plan to go over, but I guess I no longer need to accomplish everything I originally thought I would. It's a weird feeling...

Of course, whether this feeling is permanent or not, that remains to be seen. Plus, there's no going back anyways so I might as well continue on course. I really hope this is it... I've done enough flipping back and forth to frustrate generations of psychiatrists for years to come.

I SERIOUSLY have no idea what I'm doing...

Keeping Things Simple: Setting December's Objective

(Warning: 80's music. 80's video. 'nuff said)


Depeche Mode - See You

All I want to do is see you again
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to see your sweet smile
Smiled the way it was before

Well I’ll try not to hold you
And I’ll try not to kiss you
And I won’t even touch you

All I want to do is see you
Don’t you know that it’s true

I remember the days when we’d walk through the woods
And sit on a bench for a while
I treasure the way we used to laugh and play
And look in each others eyes

You can keep me at a distance if you don’t trust my resistance
But I swear I won’t touch you

All I want to do is see you
Don’t you know that it’s true

Well I know five years is a long time
And that times change (oh that times change)
But I think that you will find
People are basically the same (basically the same)

If the water’s still flowing, we can go for a swim
And do the things we used to do
And if I’m reluctant you can pull me in
And we can relive our youth

Oh but we’ll stay friendly like sister and brother
Though I think I still love you

All I want to do is see you
Don’t you know that it’s true?

All I want to do is see you
Don’t you know that it’s true?

Something In Me Was Dying

It's a nice song. I like it. But the only problem is that it probably gives the impression that I want to be rescued. It would be nice, but in truth the only person that can rescue me is myself.

December is 3 months away. A lot can still happen within that amount of time...

----------------------


Keane - Something In Me Was Dying

Something in me was dying
And my heart was heavy as stone
Hard as I was trying
I never could find, find my way home

And your voice came out of nowhere
Be my friend and give me your hand
Let's take off together
And then we can live wherever we land

Something in me was broken
And my thoughts were bitter and ill
My world was blown open
And I couldn’t see and I couldn’t feel
You said be yourself and think of me
And you'll know there's nothing to fear
Let's make plans together
It's time to move on and get out of here

Girl I need you
Don’t know what I would do
Will you see the story through
It's a cruel world
And I need somewhere to hide
But time goes by
And you're still on my side

Something in me was sinking
Cause my heart was heavy as stone
I gave up with thinking
I never would find, find my way home
And your voice came out of nowhere
Be my friend and give me your hand
Let's take off together
And then we can live wherever we land

Girl I need you
Don’t know what I would do
Will you see the story through
It's a cruel world
And I need somewhere to hide
The time goes by
And you're still on my side

Waiting
Searching
Turning over
Running round in circles
And I've worn myself out
Hoping that we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together
Yeah we'll always be together

There is Hearing, and then there is Listening

Nothing's worse than a communication problem. I was unable to accomplish what I had hoped today. We will see if I have better luck tomorrow.

So she believes that she has not listened to God. And that now she swears not to ignore Him again. Well, I don't know what she thinks God is saying to her, but I hope that she hears right and listens well. She is gifted in that way. That I know.

I, on the other hand, would not be so fortunate. For how can a man be able to listen when he has chosen to cut off his own ears? I just know I'm walking deaf, dumb and blind. Well, most of you can emphasize the 'dumb' part I'm certain.

Tomorrow is just another day away... another day I wish I didn't have to wait for.

Too much time is slipping out of my hands...

One Small Step for a Man...

So the situation has changed a bit again today. Got some news that I will selfishly call 'good.' As evil as it may be, right now I'm going to take whatever I can get.

However, while this may remove one obstacle in my path, there are millions more in the way. The same problems persist, and the destruction I sowed still needs to be undone. Not an easy job.

Slowly and surely I go again. Be resolute. Do what must be done. Do not falter. Many more battles lie ahead... and I must take it to the very (if not bitter) end.

Be ready.

I Am Terrified

Coward.

A single word. One word. But it is as sharp as a sword that pierces one's spirit.

I don't know if I've been playing it too safe with a lot of things, but I get the feeling that I may have a part of that label on me.

If you really want something, you do what you can to get it. Right?
There shouldn't be a single shred of doubt in your mind, right?

The fact that I'm writing this though... shows that I am feeling a bit doubtful. I will potentially face a guillotine at the end of this journey, although it shouldn't matter. I could be walking into a rain of bullets, but it shouldn't matter. My worse fears may come true, it shouldn't matter.

I am not the only one to have experienced that in their lifetime. So why worry and doubt?

Courage.

Bizarre Love Triangle

Everytime I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I waited for that final moment you
Say the words that I can't say

--------------

Actually, I have to say words that I can't say.
Especially now... since it seems to be too late...

What will happen now?

--------------




"SHIT!!!!! Where did HE come from?!?!?!?"




"Mayday! Mayday! This is Unit One! I've been hit and I'm going down! In need of rescue! Repeat! Mayday! Mayday!........"

History

As I mindlessly floated through high school and drifted into my second year of university, I often found myself wondering about the direction of my life. Being the over-analycal and pondering self, I felt at odds with the way life went. Most of the time these occurred when I felt the most vulnerable, the most isolated, the most alone. Did I really want to be here?

Second year brought an opportunity for me to take some pretty 'unusual' elective courses... unusual for a computer science student at least: History. I can never explain why, but I found myself drawn to studying it. McMaster offered quite a few history courses. I really wanted to learn Chinese history but it wasn't offered in my second year. I ended up taking the next best thing, European history.

Naturally, I wanted to focus on the two World Wars mostly (since I'm such a military nut), but since it was a more general course, we learned everything from the Napoleonic era to close modern day. The course really opened my eyes outside of just the wars to many more areas of history that have made an impact on our lives today. I found the French Revolution particularly interesting given the kind of philosophical ideas and thought process it spawned. In a way, I thought, "THIS is why we are the way we are today." although technically, we probably already were like this before that... but that's another topic altogether.

So, finally to the actual POINT of this entry. In this history class we had two major essays to write. For the research materials I needed for the first, I loaned a book containing the works of one of the big names of poetry from the WW1 era: Siegfried Sassoon. Most of you probably never heard of him but he wrote the poem called "Soldiers" that I found interesting when I was 13 and I first heard it watching Young Indiana Jones Chronicles :P. In this book I found another poem that I thought pretty much summarized my feelings and frustrations whenever I wondered about what the hell is the point of my life. A lot of it made sense to me because in 1997 when I went to Taize, France, I found myself at the most peaceful point of my life. The lifestyle there was like the perfect dream. Since I came back, I've longed to relive that peace once more. And don't think it's because I met her there... that was just a bonus. I wanted to find that peace again if anything...

Now, I am approaching another huge decision point in my life. I keep thinking that I may never experience that peace again... so I just thought I'd post this poem tonight...

IN THE CHURCH OF ST OUEN
Siegfried Sassoon March 4, 1917

Time makes me a soldier; but I know
That had I lived six hundred years ago,
I might have tried to build within my heart
A church like this, where I could dwell apart,
With chanting peace; my spirit longs for prayer,
And, lost to God, I seek him everywhere.
Here, while the windows burn and bloom like flowers,
And sunlight falls and fades with tranquil hours,
I could be half a saint, for like a rose
In heart-shaped stone the glory of Heaven glows.
But where I stand, desiring yet to stay,
Hearing rich music at the close of day,
The Spring Offensive (Easter is its date)
Calls me. And that's the music I await.


For me, my date will be December. That is what I will be awaiting...

It's All You

I thought that now that we're on talking terms again, I could go and read her blog without it ever having an effect on me again (especially since I can't understand it. lol).

Then today.

A picture (or two) is worth a thousand words.

Call me shallow, call me whatever.

Why should I keep walking forward when it only brings me misery?


You are always the one I'm thinking of...

Uncertainty, Hesitation... stupidity? =P

A pilot doesn't have the luxury of time anymore. While the battlefields of old allows one to react a lot slower and still survive, the modern age is much too fast and much too chaotic for anyone to miss a beat.

But yet here I am pondering... I'm not exactly an ace pilot... I only have 2 to count for and only 1 of which I truly felt energized and flew hard to achieve.

Now, I have little drive... It's nice to get some hits on the radar, but tactically, is it worth it sometimes? Why am I unsure? Why am I hesitant? Maybe out of fear? And of course, sometimes it's tactically smarter to let things be instead of causing trouble... I only have enough fuel to last a bit longer. Is it worth all this or will I have to break off again?


Days like these... are just terrible for a pilot...

Endurance, Patience, Time

Here's hoping that refuel I did was good enough...

This one is a hard one to catch. Fighting in some very cloudy skies. Lots of clouds to hide behind. And if the fight ever drops down in altitude, a lot of rocky terrain to contend with as well.

Have to stay patient. The right moment to strike will come. I just have to stay persistent and watch my fuel level.


... but I've been told to watch for other potential aircraft flying in the area. Just my luck to fly in a pretty popular airspace... I haven't seen any other planes yet, but AWACs is pretty sure about this information... I don't want to lose this one to someone else...

Focus... stay focused... bide your time...

A Fitting Farewell

So Johnny's funeral took place this morning. Even though we somewhat expected it, a LOT of people showed up. Just a testament to how many people he may have touched in one way or another.

Mark gave the eulogy and I am glad it was him. He picked the best things to say and reached out everyone in the audience. I would probably have choked and unfortunately, I did not know too much about the rest of Johnny's life to be able to have said better. Well done, Mark.

The mass was excellent. During holy communion, we sang the song that Johnny and I heard in Rome during World Youth Day 2000 called "We Are One Body." They got the guitar just right. It was exactly that kind of rhythm and guitar that got him to love the song so much. Unfortunately, we weren't able to share it with the others because... well, they had to be there to have heard what we heard. Most ppl didn't find the song as uplifting or exciting cuz we just couldn't replicate it. I think today, they finally heard what we heard. Much thanks to the choir for allowing me to relive those days.

At the end, I don't know what song the priests sang, but that chant just hit me like a wave of water. I started to cry... just as much as I did when I first saw my sister in the hospital morgue... It was powerful. I loved that kind of music and I thought it was a worthy end and send off to my dear friend. I only wish I knew what it was... I wish I could find more music like that. I guess you can add Gregorian chant to another one of my strange music likes... heh...

So, with that done, we now begin to resume our journey in life. We cannot cease performing our duties of the moment. While I will miss having you around dude, I know that both you and my sister will look upon us all from Heaven. I await the day that we will take up to the skies together once more... I could never have asked for a better wingman and brother. Until we fly again...

To A Fallen Comrade, To A Fallen Brother

Last September, I lost a sister. Yesterday, I have lost a brother.

I have known him since elementary school. Initially, he was just another friend on the playground. Another chinese lad to play with. When the Kuwait invasion and Operation Desert Storm took place in 1991, I discovered that he too had a passion for military things. A deeper friendship was born. From that point forward, I found someone who shared an interest that no one else seemed to have, at least at the level that I had.

High school, our friendship grew deeper as I started going to the same church as he and his family. We went to our first religious retreat together in 1996 (both "sponsored" by our respective mothers). Both discovering a fire for our faith, that we weren't alone in this road. He didn't come with me to France for World Youth Day in 1997, which was too bad. I wondered what advice he would have given me when I met my 2nd girlfriend there (and if he would smirk whenever I would ditch him for her =P). But we continued to go to the same yearly retreat together almost every year for a good 6 or 7 years since then. We've met new friends along our journey, shared our pain and disappointment whenever our aspirations for female companionship never worked out at the time, but above all, just had a lovely time talking about things with a military twist/analogy or just quoting memorable quotes from Simpsons or whatever else we've watched together.

He was finally able to join me to World Youth Day in Rome in 2000. I will never forget that trip. We had a lot of fun there, sharing our 'military hierarchy' view on the Church, pledging our allegiance like soldiers to the end, him buying a 6 pack of beer and bringing it back to our cabin when I thought it was a bad idea, and just having a good time with everyone there. That was a good trip.

Even funnier is how our lives almost ran in parallel to one another or we both reached certain milestones with strange coincidence. We ended up moving to the same neighborhood in our OAC year, then when I first got my job at Telus, we both worked similar jobs with similar 12 hour shifts, and how we both finally moved out of those jobs to something more stable one after another. The only thing that was different perhaps was how our love lives alternated. I dated, he didn't... then at last he dated, and I didn't. All these coincidences and events just made us wonder if somehow, somewhere, our lives were tied together in some strange fate. We certainly found it humourous.

While I will always cherish the memories that I have of him (as I'm sure all of you who knew him would), a part of me can't help but feel torn knowing that the future will never be the same without him... that all the special moments that both he and I would experience that we could share will never be known. He had big plans this month that I hoped to witness, whether to congratulate him or poke fun and drink with him should he not succeed. I would expect no less from him if it was me in his place. Now I can only wonder... just like when my sister left us last year. I could only imagine how things would be like if she was still around.

Knowing that his sacrifice through organ donation has allowed the salvation of 15 other people puts me more at ease. Now I will continue living once again reminded of the fact that there's little time to waste. Whatever we desire doing, whatever we hope to achieve in this world, do it now. There will never be a better time. I just wish I did not have to see the face of death so many times to remember that...

So long Johnny boy... Every airshow I see, every spectacular aircraft or other vehicle I watch go by, every museum I visit, I will always think of you because you would probably be the only one who would go with me. I can only think of the words they put on the tombstone of British WW1 Flying Ace James McCudden:

"Fly on dear boy from this dark world of strife
on to the promised land of eternal life."

Johnny Lo
May 4, 1979 - July 7, 2007

Fighting words

Bro, this is for you. We're praying for you without end. Stay strong, and hang on for dear life.

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

"Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'"

- Winston Churchill, June 1940

Man down

I just found out my best friend was critically injured on the job and is now in hospital. I really hope things turn out ok.

Dude, you'll make it out ok. We're all rooting for you and praying hard for you. Hang in there...

Cottage Weekend - Weapon Malfunctions

I hope everyone had a great Canada Day weekend! =)

Went up to a rented cottage with folks from my faith sharing group. Very fun. Went up to Midland area and did a bit of sightseeing, hiking, hitting a beach, and of course, some good drunken fun! drnka drnka! They're a fun group to be with and I'm pretty glad at how things turned out overall. Definitely need to plan some more outings!

Meanwhile, back to everyone's favourite subject... =P I guess I'll stick w/ my usual analogies...
Couldn't launch missiles, guns jammed, and spent most of the time dodging and avoiding, only to end up pretty beaten up. Not much fuel left so time is limited. Might have to break off from this one too...

Things are just NOT going my way... but then, who is to blame? It's not the airplane, it's the pilot...

Old Biscuit

So, another year passes by. I'm old! Gah! Hmm... what's new? Not much apparently.

Morale is still shaky. Still have a few ghosts from the past flying around, although it seems like they may not be around for much longer if things keep going the way they are. The door has received my knock... but I'm also stepping back a few steps.

Focus. That's all I have to do now. Stick with what I decided. Keep things simple. Don't think so much.

Above all, don't freeze. I already froze twice.

I really don't know what I'm doing.

First salvo

"All guns ready sir."

"... is this really a good idea? She's still a bit far off..."

"We'll just have to find out, won't we..."

".... Fire."

Why I have not changed

"As long as a trace of hope remains, people will continue to struggle..."

Either someone put that damn fire out now, or we start running with it.

It always comes down to making a simple decision that really isn't that simple... although it should be...

A small crack...

I walked out of that room, and I closed that door behind me... only to mull in front of it for a long time wondering if I could go back in.

Naturally, I find the door locked. That pretty much should have been the end of it. But I walk away many times, only to find myself creeping back towards it each time.

So the front of that door became my little spot. I would sit there everyday, always wondering, always thinking, and never having any desire to leave. "That door will never open again." they say, and it took me awhile before I realized they were right. It probably would never open again...

Now I hear the bolt of the door. It is no longer locked. Just when I thought I would be walking away from this door for the last time... Now this.

A million thoughts and feelings flood my mind. Questions abound.

Should I knock?
If I do, would the door open?

If it opens, do I dare try to step inside again?
Or will it slam in my face for the last and final time...

Maybe just open it enough just to see that view one more time...

The First Week of June

Usually, when the month of June comes around, the first thing that comes to my mind is that I will soon be growing one year older. I also have friends that have birthdays in the same month. That's usually what I think of first, always. Later on, I think about what else it is about June that I can remember, and I can think of two major historical events: D-Day, the invasion of Normandy on June 6, 1944, and Tiananmen Square on June 4, 1989.

Why I remember D-Day should be obvious. I love military history. World War 2 is undeniably a very important event in our history. If D-Day did not succeed, the war would have gone on longer, and we may not have been able to achieve the victory we needed to stop the Holocaust. Or even if the Russians did, it would have meant the entire European mainland could have ended up in communist hands. Who knows what might have been. Most people would focus on the European theatre since the Nazi's were the 'evil' people. But for me, the Pacific was more close to home since that has more to do with me being Chinese. Just that I haven't really read or seen much about the things that happened in China. Not many documentaries on that over here. Still, D-Day was important for Europe. For the Pacific, it would actually be a third event that also happened roughly the first week of June in 1942... when the US won the Battle of Midway. That changed the tide of the Pacific war. I think we owe our lives to that battle.

Tiananmen Square... oh... how I remember... I was actually in HK during that time in May when the protests just started. I had no idea what exactly was going on but in a way I knew that this was something big. I think I saw a lot of hope from the ppl in HK that this could be the watershed event that could bring China out from communist control or something. Something hopeful... something powerful... something great. I flew back to Canada on June 4. When I arrived home, it was all over the news. The army had gone in. I was pretty shocked. Even at my age, I knew what that meant. I thought China was doomed. Communism would never go away in that country. The people there would never be free. It was a pretty sad night.

Of course, looking at how things are now... well, it's debatable if it's better or worse. Personally, I think it's 50/50. Sure, China is a big market. Capitalism is all good and dandy there now. But of course, at what cost... There's still a lot to go for China. While we western countries are not exactly perfect either, but I do hope that China will one day come close to our level of justice and fairness that we take for granted here.

The first week of June was full of events.

Direction to Intercept

"Unit One, we might have something for you."

"Go ahead."


"Single bandit. Approximately Three Zero miles out your 8 o'clock low."

"Looks good. I'm going for it."


"Good hunting Unit One."

"Roger that."

May 30, 1973

Today would have been Leslie's 34th birthday.

Yesterday, I went to Pacific Mall to buy a chestnut cake for today. Chestnut has always been her favourite. Not sure if we went to the right place but the cake is good.

This morning, we 3 siblings and dad met up at the cemetary at 10am. The monument is finally up. It was put up just this past weekend. Interesting that the timing worked out. They sent a picture of it to my mom and Vincent in HK so they saw how it looked. It's a pretty good monument. We are very pleased.

Having the monument suddenly makes this even more real to me... Before it was just a barren plot. But now, seeing the monument with the name... it just hits even deeper. I'll never forget that first visit to the morgue though... that image will never leave me.

It's definitely a bittersweet day. Happy 34th Leslie...

The Flightline Beckons...

No matter how much rest one might need, eventually one will be recalled back to service.


But usually, it is because one cannot ignore the call of duty. One will go back willingly on their own sooner or later.

Each pilot has gone through their moments of glorious triumph, and humiliating defeat...

None of that matters...

One flies because they love to fly.


Let's go

Fateful Friday

Well, yesterday was rather interesting to say the least...

Another nice lax day at work... then went to meet up with Mark and Priscilla for dinner. I haven't seen these two in months. Priscilla has been pregnant with twins and well... I think you can see where this is going... So the bunch of us meet up at Mark's for dinner that we've had scheduled since April cuz Anthony came back from San Fran for the week. Mark promised to cook, but nupe... didnt' happen (as Michelle predicted). We decide to go out to a vietnamese place nearby.

We walk out and probably was just 5 min out when Priscilla said her water broke. I didn't hear it, but we all just stopped in our tracks. Mark decided to head back and call the hospital to see what they should do. Surprisingly, Mark and Priscilla were very calm about it on the way back while Emily got a bit freaked out. For me, the feeling probably didn't sink in at that time. So Mark and Priscilla headed for the hospital while the rest of us ended up going to eat.

The call came about an hour later. Mark says it's happening tonight. So yeah... my friend now has kids. Wow...

Find out this morning that things are fine. Both babies have been born. Healthy weight. Both parents are very happy. But Priscilla has to rest so we'll have to wait a few days before we can see them. Hopefully tomorrow or Monday since Anthony will be flying back Monday afternoon.

Another chapter in our lives. What else will the future bring?
Well, one more marriage coming up at least, that's for sure.

... but all I want to know is what is in store for me?

I have no idea what I am doing...

I think I'm starting to understand a bit about my psychology when it comes to that certain topic of my life that seems to be everyone's favourite lately. I don't react well to pressure. In fact, my reaction to pressure is directly inverse to what the pressure is trying to accomplish. The more pressure I feel, the more likely I will end up doing nothing. While I know that everyone is trying to help me and try to get things going in my best interests, but for some odd reason I have this defense mechanism that just makes it all a wasted effort. Sometimes my perception of the pressure makes it worse. It might not be anything, but my reaction would make it seem like it was something. Yeah, it's probably quite frustrating for everyone...

In the end, it has to be my decision to do something right? If I don't, I don't. Well... I haven't really gotten that "feeling" that hit me so hard in 1997. Maybe it's a mistake to try to find that "spark" again with someone else. I'm not stupid though... I know that "spark" won't be the same, but still I kind of expect SOMETHING to be there... that little something that I cannot describe, yet when I feel it, I know I will take action.

So now, I'm a bit of a loss. Am I just holding back subconsciously still for no reason? What am I missing here? This latest "opportunity"... I haven't really capitalized on. I just don't know what to do. I'm just... frozen.

"I have no mouth, but Yours,
I have no voice, but Yours,
I have no Words, but Yours.

Send me Your voice, Lord.
Send me Your Words, Lord."

----------------------------

Next Morning Edit: After sleeping on it, it's also possible that I'm giving myself too much pressure as well... but either way... pressure is baaaadddddd... =P

Avril 14th

Yes I know it's May, not April anymore...

You'll all probably roll your eyes about this, but I'm going to YouTube whore again. I put this on my Facebook already though but I'm just going to double-post it here for good measure. Love this song. I wouldn't mind trying to find the sheet music for this too... but then, I'd have to learn how to play the piano... d'oh!

Doin' alright

Haven't really written a really detailed blog in awhile. Mostly been posting music from YouTube because... well... I just love music, although some of it is probably weird to the rest of you. =P

I just experienced the longest maintenance window of my career so far and the first time I experienced problems at the end. I went into the office at 10pm on Saturday not knowing when I'll be done because we were really there just to take systems down for other ppl to do some critical work and we would bring everything back up when they finished. I didn't leave until 11am Sunday. Yeah, pretty bad. Things didn't go back up the way they should have in the morning so I had to do some major troubleshooting to get things going. Then I had to drive all the way from the west end back home. Oi... I nearly cut a guy off on the highway by accident. I was so tired...

I have to say though, despite it all, I'm really enjoying this work. That sense of accomplishment during and after the troubleshooting is great. I've always liked it and it figures why I chose to be a Systems Admin... I guess I'm fortunate that I know what kind of work I really wanted to do and this seems like it. I can't stay at this job forever though, but I do have the next steps in mind somewhat. There is room to grow at least.

Everything else though... seems to be at a standstill... I'm a bit afraid that I'm just going to throw myself at my work and forget about other things in my life. Ai... patience, patience... I guess I really just have to not get too worried about the other things. It should all fall into place eventually. Maybe if I actually DID something instead of just thinking about it. *shrug*

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence

No no... it's not snowing in Toronto again when it's the middle of spring...

It's the title of an old movie and also of a song that's played by famous Japanese musician and composer Ryuichi Sakamoto. I stumbled upon this song strangely enough when I caught a cover/remix of it by Momix and Low P on di.fm's Chillout channel. I don't know why but I really love this song. Even funnier, there's a dance song by Watergate that I heard LONG ago that uses parts of this song. Funny... anyways, take a listen. It's a beautiful piece.

Not alone...

Found this classic when I was going through my music collection...

Seems like all I listen to nowadays are songs from back then...
Yep, I.am.old.

I blame that TV commercial...

No idea why, but I'm suddenly unable to stop listening to this song...



Well, at least it is fitting given the weather we've gotten so far. Yay sunny skies!

3 years already??? That was fast...

I just noticed that I passed my 3 year work anniversary last week. That was fast. Can't believe it's been 3 years already... Well, it's not THAT hard to believe in a way. So much has happened since. From the darkest hour of my life to the joys of meeting new people and accomplishing a small dream... yeah, it's been quite a ride.

Where will the next 3 years take me? Hopefully to my own place, the next step of my career, and other things :P. This year has been pretty neutral so far. Once again, mostly work occupies my mind and time. It's one of the few things that has been going well this year as of now. I guess I'll just chill for the time being... sort out my thoughts, try to have some more fun, take my mind off things. You know... :P

Lots of things coming up too... ppl having kids, another getting married... another heck of a year.

It's April, FOO !

Well, as you've noticed, I haven't wrote much. Not much is happening really... same, boring life of mine.

Since April Fool's landed on a Sunday, this year it didn't seem as interesting... but maybe because Sunday I was too busy lazing around to read up on all the pranks/jokes. So just go to Wikipedia for all the tidbits:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_1%2C_2007

Although I must admit Thinkgeek did it again. Presenting the Wii-Helm!


http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/wiihelm.shtml

Digging that trench

"Happy are those who are not in anguish over their failings. For
if a person is hard upon themselves, to whom will they be kind?"
(Si 14:1-6,14-16)

Today, I am not happy.

Tomorrow, I must stop digging.

March 15, 2007

Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force:

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months.

The eyes of the world are upon you.

............

Good Luck!

And let us all beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.

- General Dwight D Eisenhower

.......

Today, and as you read this, you are en route to that great adventure for which you have trained for over two years.

Colonel Robert Sink
Regimental Commander, 506th P.I.R, 101st Airborne Division
June 5, 1944

---------------------------------------------------------------

This March 15, I finally start my new job.

Finally.

Here, I will begin the next great journey.

If only my other journey didn't feel like being stuck at Monte Cassino...

"Grounded?"

"I don't understand sir..."


"On your last flight, you've been showing signs of excess stress and fatigue. We can't have that in any of our front line pilots. The success of your missions rests on your physical as well as mental state of health. Therefore, I have no choice but to sideline you until further notice. You'll be off the flightline until after you've recuperated. Is that understood?"


"... yes sir..."

Another Day, Another Mission

Not being able to get the kill that day was disappointing...


But one has to stay positive. Just the flying itself is fun enough. After all, who knows what I'll run into today...


"Ready on the cat."

It's a Wonderful, Wonderful Life

Yay! Found a new song to add to my collection when I was searching for yesterday's post. Not bad, but once again, standard gino beats disclaimer. =P



EDIT: Boo, they removed the video. So here's someone's custom video using Kingdom Hearts as the backdrop.

YouTube addiction part duh (deux)

I actually wish that I had my own web server where I could just stream my "music of the day" kind of thing... just so ppl get an idea about my music tastes (and why it's so weird. lol)

Here's another one. I find it a nice song when I need cheering up cuz I think the lyrics has a nice message. There's things worth living for and ways to overcome problems. I find the video odd, but just listen to the song I guess. But if you're not a fan of gino beats, stay away. =P

Short

"Damn, this one is slippery. Can't get a tone."


"Unit One. You're down to bingo fuel. Return to base immediately! Repeat, disengage from target and head on home!"


"Crap!! Ugh... acknowledged. Disengaging... I'm bugging out."

Coincidences

"I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't TRUST coincidences..."

Closing the distance

"Approaching visual contact. AWACS One Seven, has target left international waters?"


"Negative Unit One. Target is still outside the border. You are cleared to engage, over."


"Roger One Seven. I'm going for it."


"Good hunting."

We Remember

I'd just thought to post this for everyone who's had to experience the loss of a loved one. Prayers to Jason, Carmen, Carol, and Jacky for the loss of their mother to cancer. God will take care of her for you and will also take care of you and your family during this time.

-------

We Remember
Marty Haugen

We remember how you loved us
to Your death
And still we celebrate
For You are with us here;

And we believe that we will see You
When you come, in Your glory, Lord,
We remember, we celebrate, we believe.

Here, a million wounded souls
Are yearning just to touch You and be healed;
Gather all Your people,
And hold them to Your heart.

We remember how you loved us
to Your death
And still we celebrate
For You are with us here;

And we believe that we will see You
When you come, in Your glory, Lord,
We remember, we celebrate, we believe.

Geographical limitations

"Unit One. This is AWACS One Seven. Have you made visual contact?"


"Negative. Still en-route to intercept. Distance Five miles."


"Acknowledged Unit One. Be advised that target may be in sovereign airspace. Stay within international waters. Repeat, DO NOT CROSS INTO SOVEREIGN TERRITORY."


"Understood..."

Blip on radar

"Contact. Bandit. Your two o'clock. One Eight miles. Please advise."


"Roger. Preparing to engage."


"Good luck."