December 2, 2002

Well, it's December already... boy time sure flies when you're at home sitting on your ass all day.... yeah... so much for my 4 months of rest and studying... HAH! Me? Study? pffftt..... sure... and McMaster has the best comp sci program in the world...... *rolleyes* Yeah, I'm one bitter student. I suppose it's partially my fault since a) I couldn't get into Waterloo. b) even if I did, I don't have the work ethic or programming instinct to STAY there. c) the IT market is in the SHIT right now. Yeah, things like that. I'm not in a happy mood because my spending these past 4 months is pretty bad... funny thing about me.. I'm like a friggin woman... when I'm depressed, I start buying things... LOTS of things... EXPENSIVE things.... I just HAD to be a computer geek.... damn.

On the other side of things, I'm a little nervous about going back to school. Mostly because I'll be living with total strangers again. I hope my new housemates are cool ppl. I don't exactly have much choice cuz I needed a 4 month lease and only a FEW places are offering... and this one was the best out of the two I found that was affordable. Well, whatever..... gee... wish my girlfriend was in town... I'd just live with her. HAHAHA Oh man... my mom would sooo kill me. Anyway, yeah.... it's been 4 months now. Wow... but then, it's been 4 months of being APART... no happy... Wish I had a transporter... just beam over there whenever I want.... we'd visit each other like crazy... things like that. I've done quite some thinking.... if Star Trek technology were real, then maybe things would change like dramatically. Having a Transporter would solve our transportation problems.. and having a replicator would solve our shortage of natural resources and perhaps cure our materialistic ways. Gee... if only it was THAT easy... damn.. I wouldn't mind having a replicator RIGHT now... me want stuffs. Heheheheh.

Man.. there I go blabbling again... I think I can never say anything straight out... I always seem to circle around a topic, saying everything and anything that could possibly be related... me sucks.... hahaha. Anyway, I guess I'll end it like that.... hope you all have a good Christmas and New Year. Just try to remember what Christmas is really about... it's not about presents man.... It is only about one present... from God to us...... Amen.

August 17, 2002

Ah dammit... this isn't working. It's been another month since the last update.... and quite honestly I'm losing interesting in keeping this journal. Quite frankly, there's nothing left to talk about. At least, nothing I've already talked to other people about. I guess this page was merely an outlet when I was in school, when I barely had anyone left to talk to given the fact that most of my closest friends were on internship. Now things are different as summer is here and I'm back home.... and I've grown closer with people over time and through events like World Youth Day. Life could be pretty funny sometimes...

World Youth Day.... what could I say? It was a great event in its own right, but of course, it's Toronto... the city I've live in for 18 years now. So it was a different feeling from say Rome and Paris when I went in 2000 and 1997 respectively. At least there were new sights to see and a different culture to experience. At least I'm sure that pilgrims from around the world must have felt that way when they came here. Some probably have never been to North America before... well, I feel happy for them. North America is seen as a continent of dreams and a bright future. Heh, if only they knew..... (sarcasm). Ah well...

I suppose that people who read this is VERY curious as to what has happened with my love life.. given that supposedly my question should have been answered by now..... hahaha ok..... well, to put it lightly... it's done. What do I mean I'm done? It means...... it worked out. I'm now officially out of the single life again! This time, it's really different. Everything I've hoped for and wanted has come true...... and I'm not exaggerating! This girl is DIFFERENT!!! Now I know why I fell in love with her 5 years ago............ I knew from the start that she is a unique girl, and I was right. She still is.... even though we're so far apart from each other, both of us are willing to do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going.... it's going to be hard (both on our patience and our wallets =P) but I'm willing to take the chance. I said that I didn't want this to work out if it was going to be all for nothing, so I firmly believe that I'm set for the rest of my life..... a bit early to say so don't you think? But this is definitely someone I will risk everything for. I am not giving this one up for anything!

September is almost here, which means I will be finished my current job and will be in the market looking for another one. Also school will have started again for most people. I think I'm going to put this journal on hiatus for the time being. I really don't think that I can keep this updated often enough to justify its existence... so this will be the last entry for now. I will update again, but no guarantees as of when. Perhaps someday, when I need to vent and have no one to vent to..... perhaps someday..... until then, best wishes to all of you. See you out there.......

July 9, 2002

Holy....... It's been more than a month since I last updated this damn page... well, I've been pretty occupied at work since I started. I bet nobody reads this page anymore. HAHA... so much the better.... less secrets will get out I suppose.

Anyway, start from the beginning. The month of June was pretty uneventful. Just working during the day, come home and do house chores (or lack of). Yeah, house chores isn't exactly something I am used to doing, but I should cuz my dad is on another business trip. Joy. I actually let the backyard grass grow to almost my waist.... and don't forget I'm 6'1" around... =P Pretty bad eh? We had a weed growing that was pretty huge. The root was like the size of a cabbage... Nasty.. was a pain to get rid of. Oh well, by now at least the backyard looks pretty decent, but I should mow it again before it turns nasty again.

On June 22, I had a little bday bash at my house (so now you should have a better idea of when my bday is... it's around that time). Wasn't exactly large, as I could only get roughly 17 ppl. But it was still fun and it was the only bday bash I ever held in a LOOOONG time. Usually bdays were celebrated w/ family only.. and I never understood why...... Mostly cuz I never took the initiative to get a party or something going. Sucks eh? Yeah it was alright though. Lots of chatting, and a little social drinking. Nothing tooooo deadly =P Next year I will try doing something like that again, but I gotta get some entertainment at home.. BADLY..

The week after, during the Canada Day long weekend, me and a few friends rented a car and went down to Six Flags Darian Lake! Our first road trip to the USA! (Funny, we celebrated Canada Day in the US..... how patriotic of us... lol) Of course, I had to drive the whole way cuz I was the only one who owned a car and had insurance to cover it. Here's a tip: GET A CAR WITH CRUISE CONTROL!!! Damn my feet hurt once we got there... we left around 7am on Sunday and spent a good 8 hours at the park. The Superman ride was AWESOME!!! It's fast, it's long and it was STEEP! Unfortunately, I lost my hat on that ride... the hat that my 'female friend' gave me for my bday last year.. sniff sniff. =~( Oh well, I told her about it later and she will get me another one when she comes. YAY! The rest of the rides at Darian Lake were ok... most were actually the same as the ones in Wonderland... so wasn't too shabby. We stayed at a hotel for the night, and bought some beer to drink for the night.. US beer really sucks. =P The night was rather boring cuz we had no music, and we had to rush out to buy some cards or something to do.... now we know how to REALLY prepare for a road trip. Hopefully we can pull something like this off again one day, and do it right with more people this time!

Now it's July.... and things start to get a little dreary. First off, to start off the new fiscal year for the company I work for, I find out that my position is getting axed starting Sept....... >_< Wow.... I now have experienced getting laid off... unbelievable. The thing is, I didn't get permission from the prof to take my 4th year compiler course, so I have no school during Sept - Dec. So I hoped to stay w/ the company for those 4 months... but now that I'm getting axed, I have to look for another job. Sucks. Oh well, the company hasn't been doing very well anyway... in fact, the whole market is still shit anyway. I wonder if I should change fields..... I'm really thinking about becoming a pilot instead.... cuz the road trip to the US proved that I enjoy driving, but I don't wanna become some fat redneck trucker, so the alternative would be piloting a cargo plane or something. It's an interesting thought... I will probably keep it in mind for the next while until I can figure out my career path. But for now, I need a new job.

Also in July, WORLD YOUTH DAY 2002 is almost here!! YAY! For those of you that don't know, Pope John Paul II is coming to TO to celebrate this even with us youth in Toronto in 2 weeks! JOY! I've been to two previous WYD's before, so it's a great event! Unfortunately, with the garbage strike and all, it doesn't look good. But the province should be enforcing back-to-work legislation to get that fixed soon. Damn unions... one reason why I want to leave this country... stupid unions.... while I understand their role, but I just don't feel Canadian unions are doing it right. I mean, it's like every half year we get a strike from some union. It's like a never-ending cycle.... what a waste of money.... Canada would be much better off if we didn't have so many strikes and everything... ugh... sucks

May 30, 2002

Well, another month just passed and me without updating. HAHA. Ah well, nothing much has happened so far, except me going to work everyday, getting exhausted, having the weather rain on me everytime I wanted, no, NEEDED, to mow the lawn, and now my backyard is a jungle with grass as tall as my waist..... oh yeahhhhhhh you gotta love summer.

I finally found out my marks today. Yeah, stupid McMaster... bunch of lazy 4sses........ and the news is 50/50. Good news is, I'm out of probation!! YES! I'M OFFICIALLY A CS MAJOR! MUHAHAHAHA!!! Now for the bad news.... I failed my automata course. Great... now I have to retake it and go through that horror AGAIN... sigh.... someone shoot me. It's not fair dammit! Now I can't take my final CS core course without special permission. But there's no guarantee I can do that, which means at MOST, I have to be in Mac for another 2 terms, except they won't be in the same year.... =( FSCK!!!! I don't want to graduate in 2004!! I have no money left!!! I can't afford to go to school and keep my car.. FACK!!! Time to save BIG TIME... I hate this........ but at least I'm a CS major now, so I just have to maintain my average to succeed. I'll just throw in a few bird courses to guarantee that. Grumble................

May 4, 2002

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (in a relaxing tone). It's overrrr. ^_^ Well, I didn't do very well on the exam, but then, neither did the class. LOL. One thing about that automata prof is that his exams are LONG. VERY LONG. Even with 3 hours, you CANNOT finish all of it even if you tried. 18 questions...... 12 constructions and 6 proofs. I spent 2.5 hours on the 12 constructions, most of which I didn't even get! I only did one proof in the end.... joy....... here's to that great bell curve!

Anyway, with exams over, it's back to work I go. I started work on Tuesday. Things are great there I guess. There's a lot more to do than before, but only because unlike the first time, I'm taking more initiative to get more done. Which is a good thing, sometimes it gets pretty void during the day only because we're in the slow parts of testing and not near a software release. When it's release time, oh boy, it gets crazy.

I've finally started driving my car! YAY! It's really great since I only had 2 practice runs with my dad but by Monday night I was actually able to drive it well enough to go to work with it the next morning! WOOHOO! Sure, I've been stalling quite a few times this week, but it's pretty normal for a beginner. But most people think I drive great! So yeah! Happy!

April 28, 2002

D-Day minus one......... Tomorrow will be my worst exam ever, only on the count that I really don't want to write it. =P I hate the material with a passion.. and I can't study it anymore... argh... but I'm still soo clueless on most of it... it's not funny. Sigh....

On a high note, had my first driving lesson with my dad this morning....... and I FEEL GOOOOOOOD =D. Driving a manual is not that hard.... just have to master 1st gear and pressing the clutch properly. The upper gears are no effort..... I went up to 4th gear today and I swear I think I can handle the highway. Hee hee! Can't wait! My dad won't let me drive it on my own just yet... but after a few more practices and I'll be fine. I just need practice and to get used to it. Ah well, that's all for now... gotta keep cramming for that STUPID exam... =(

April 18, 2002

ARRRRGGHH!!!! I really hate this term.. I really do.....

Just to put it simply, I failed my exam yesterday..... BADLY...... and I just don't understand why I didn't remember the things I studied.... argh... I can probably point that out to the fact that the day before, I had to present my year long group project... and I had to memorize things I had to say. Basically I ended up forgetting what I've studied before.... ARGH! FSCK!! HATE this...... well, I guess it's not 100% bad since my friends in that course was kind fscked up too... but not as badly as me I don't think......... I'll pass the course, but that's not what I was shooting for. I need a C avg among my two courses and the project to remain in the Honours Comp Sci program.... and from the looks of things, that's getting unlikely. My next exam is on the 29th, plenty of time to study.. that's good... but still.. a lot of material to cover.. and since that exam is OPEN BOOK... I'm not expecting to get a very high mark... this is very bad......... definitely going to be drinking after all this is over......

Well, I guess I can revert back to my 3 year Math Sci degree if things don't work out.... it would be nice for me to get a CS degree, but going into the IT field, might not be necessary... as long as my knowledge on IT is good, and I can supplement that w/ certifications... so might not end up being that bad... but still, I'm just very disappointed. Damn, that bell curve must be pretty huge for me to get away with anything, or my project presentation ended up being ok and getting a good mark from that... dunno.

Oh yeah, my presentation didn't end up that well either! We had to improvise the entire presentation because we initially made it a kind of oral presenation but they didn't want that. They just wanted us to demonstrate our software. WTF..... that wasn't the focus of our project... I'm just scared that they'll think we didn't do much when we did end up doing quite a bit. Just that timing issues popped up that we didn't anticipate... ok.. bad excuse that will get us killed.. but still.. argh... with all the courses we had to handle, and this project too... I don't know.. I'm just really feeling low from all these disappointments... I can't wait until this is over and I can start working and learning some GOOD shitz... and I'll be driving my new car soon. YAY! Finally gonna drive a manual! MUHAHAHA! UPDATE: Well, went to the dealership with my dad today. I'm going to be getting the car very soon. But just not according to my initial plans... I had hoped to grab a Vibe (since it's technically a Toyota Matrix =P) but couldn't afford it.... 6.9% APR man... frig.. i'd be paying for how much my dad pays for his van... can't afford that for sure.. so.. will be going for a Cavalier for sure. A LOT cheaper.. and it doesn't matter anyway.. I just need a car to beat on for the next few years. Problem is, I'm going to be racking up SIGNIFICANT amount of mileage (since I'm leasing).. and looks like I will go over for sure (since I have to work and THEN commute to school too for at least a term or two... ARGH)... man.. not good... oh well, story of my life.

April 11, 2002

Well, it's 2:20am.... why am I up again? Hahah... not depression, I'll tell you that. Of course, final exams still suck. But that ain't why I'm up either. I think I'm on that high again... heheh no I ain't a druggie either... nor do I have any alcohol around.... =P

Just to put it simply, I am talking to her again... yeah.. HER HER HER.... =P Gee, you people must think I am nuts. I mean, haven't I said anything yet? Why am I still dragging this on when I should have already taken the opportunity to just spit it out and let her know of my intentions? Truth is, my only (free) means of communication with her is ICQ.... get the hint? =P And doing it over ICQ just isn't exactly my ideal plan... cuz I've done it b4 and it never seems to work (or sound right)... =P I much rather do it in person... it just seems more effective that way. And given the obvious hint I just revealed, when exactly will THAT happen? =P Soon enough.... but not soon enough for me =P

With the new information I have revealed (which may dangerously compromise my plans if she sees this), you people must still wonder what is it about her that would make me set aside any plans on finding someone more... err... local? =P Well, what's that part in that Puddle Of Mudd song Blurry? It goes, "There's oceans in between us, but that's not very far"? Right? (And surprise surprise, I'm starting to get on the alternative bandwagon... what happened to good ol' Ian raver-boy wannabe? He's still here, Trance and Eurodance is still my fav music, but sometimes I need a little guitar action to satisfy my music needs =P) Anyway, back on track, she just seems to be everything I could have ever hoped for, both on short term and long term perspectives.. (yes, call me crazy as how could a person like myself could even CONSIDER long term planning at this stage of my life.. I'm not just crazy, I'm INSANE =P) She just seems to have some sort of hold on me... I thought I was crazy to even consider it given that I barely know her, but now that I've gotten to know her a lot more, things seem to fit into place.

From the talks we have had so far, it is as if this was 'THE ONE' =P Cheesy, yes, but I have searched far and wide with no luck... maybe I'm picky yes... but there was always something about the girls around here that kept me holding back... always something to nitpick..... in her case, the only nitpick would be that while I am head-over-heels for her, would she ever feel the same for me? It's always that question, and from my current past experience count, 95% of the time it is no =P At least it isn't 100%.... =P Well, I will find out once the time comes...... whenever it will be. Despite my obvious desire to have to wait until I can do it in person, 7 to 1 odds I will not be given that chance as I will probably blurt it out on the spur of the moment cuz the way I am talking with her would present that opportunity... it shouldn't be surprising as I think I've been holding back on this too long.. but this is really not because I am afraid... it's not that anymore...... I just want the right timing... something like after a nice date around the town... maybe on a moonlit sky, stars shining all around us, blah blah blah... geez... never knew I was such a hopeless romantic.. haha =P

Yeah, that's the plan... whether it works or not, I will have to see.... but right now, I really don't care about what her reaction is... I care more about finally letting this out of my system so that I can move on.... I don't want to feel that I am always holding back out of fear of rejection.. heck, with my track record, you'd think that I'm used to it by now.. haha pathetic =P Funny I would shoot myself in the foot like this.. but neh! That's me and my lack of confidence. haha. Anyway, well, there's my rant for the night.. now I better go to sleep since I am expecting a phone call next morning.. HINT HINT =P

April 4, 2002

Ahhh.... April.... the month we University students either look forward to or dread. Look forward to since it means the year is almost over... YAY!!! Summer break! (or for the really unlucky ones, such as my Waterloo friends or those taking summer courses, summer term.. ugh...) This month is also dreaded for the obvious reason.... FINAL EXAMS!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH! This sucks... but oh well, that's the way it is.

Not going to say much since I will be busy, and I think I won't be making any new entries unless something big happens or when I need a break from studying. Until then, as them Klingons like saying, "Have a Glorious Death" =P

March 27, 2002

Well, a week has passed since my last real rant.. or journal entry.. or whatever ya wanna call it.. it's not really a rant anymore.. I ain't bitchin at anything in particular other than how I'm such a freak. lol =P Ah well, I don't even understand myself so what the hey.. I will always be that weird guy people would prolly recall later on... when I'm just nothing more than an afterthought to people =P You can tell I have really good self-confidence here. haha... boy... I really should drink more... =P

First off, this page finally has a readership of at least TWO. LOL... well, maybe.... I just know that one of my McMaster friends was bored one night doing an assignment and read this page... and now the story of me chasing a girl is all over among my Mac friends... great! Yeah, I had a LOT of explaining to do that night.... At least the good thing is that they think I have very good taste in girls. HAHAHA... riiight.... anyway, I won't splurge on that topic too much..... except just to say that as of right now, things are looking up again..... probably to balance out the depression called final exams.... grumble...

Hmm... it's already the last week of March.... less than 2 weeks of school left... this is maddening... I got some serious butt to kick (specifically, my own so that I actually can START DOING SOME ACTUAL WORK! =P).. I am still clueless in my automata class.. even more so now that I have missed handing in the third assignment in a row! Yay.... that's 15% gone right there... I'm sooo good... =P I guess I am really going for the 100% final exam.... lucky I actually have that option.... but can I really pull a 70% on that one? Should be interesting... I highly doubt it =P Lucky for me, the exam got pushed back a week, so I get an extra week to study for it.... so I damn better not mess up.... or else it's back to a 3-year B.Sc. degree for me.... no more Honours Comp. Sci..... ..... dunno... the words "do or die" has never had so much meaning... =P

Project work is also due soon.... I just gotta start writing some serious crap about IIS, Apache server, and implementation of ASP in them, plus maybe a touch of ODBC/Database stuff.... who knows.. need to write it soon too... but I want to get home so that I can play around w/ my rebuilt Pentium 100 beater box... prolly install NT4 Server or something in there so I could run the project on.... depends really..... got another assignment due up soon too... have to get started on that as well.... and then there's the automata course I have to REALLY CATCH UP ON.... I can smell my death ready to strike me down..... life has never been sweeter (sarcasm).... =P

March 19, 2002

Actually, it's technically March 20... it's almost 2am.. and I can't seem to fall asleep at the moment.... (What??? A University student SLEEPING b4 2am? NO WAY!?!?).. haha yeah, everybody I know seems to envy the fact that I could sleep so 'early' =P Well, this is probably because I don't have tonnes of work to do due to the fact I only got two courses to worry about. I'm quite a lucky bastard in that respect, but if I haven't said it already, I'll say it again now and tell you that these two courses I'm taking are NOT to be taken lightly... so I still think I got quite a tough term to go through.... but oh well, so is the University life as it is...

Anyway, I wonder how many are actually out there reading this damn thing? I know there is at least ONE person for sure (sup Mike? lol), but I doubt there is anyone else since I haven't really told anyone about my page anyway... and since some of them are FOBs, they probably don't know what the word 'Rant' means. lol.. I'm so mean.. haha... I don't know, I actually want to keep this page going... but seems to not worth a damn since the readership is ONE.. =P Besides, who would give a rats 4ss about a small potato like me? I'm practically no one anyways.. heh.. kind of like it that way... being invisible has some advantages, especially for things like espionage or intelligence gathering.. but I ain't no spy.. so whatever =P

Hmm... so how's my life? Or specifically, my so-called love life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA pleaase.... as if.. =P Well, on that remark, nothing new.. at least nothing I'm willing to reveal here. haha... but the fact that I even mention it means something is up right? Well, I have to be honest and say yes.. something is up... but what that is exactly I won't say until it happens... until then.... I guess you just have to keep coming back to find out. lol But as for the rest of my life, things seem the same.... still lost.... no bloody clue as to what I'm going to do.... courses are still killing me... and there's that final project I'm dreading about... I'm only dreading since I still feel I've done jack sh*t for it and the rest of my group has done quite a lot in addition to the hectic schedule they have.... I should be contributing a lot since I have so much 'free time' but yet I don't... makes me feel pretty bad obviously, but hopefully that will change soon. Because I want to be able to contribute something..... and at the same time, we all have individual interviews with the comp sci heads to see what we've done so I need some material for that too! Oh boy... that's going to make me super nervous when it happens. But my group definitely plans to throw stuff my way so it's not so bad... I have to pick up ASP soon as that is part of the project that I will be responsible for.... mostly the back-end part of the work... such as web server setup, or something.... I'll find out..

On a rather sad note today, I found out that one of the priests at my church, Fr. Chao, has just passed away. I'm actually quite shocked as I just attended a mass he did just this past Sunday.... never really expected this to happen....... but at the same time, he was old and I knew it was inevitable it would happen... just didn't think it would be now... I always thought it would be a few years down the road or something...... ah well... I think my entire church will be pretty saddened by this news.... Fr. Chao had served our church very well for many years... he did my 2nd sister's wedding ceremony too... and my cousin's.... yeah.. he'll be missed..... a salute to his service!

March 11, 2002

Okay.. maybe that rant was pretty misguided and a little too quick of thinking on my part... but hey, that's what happens when I get a little depressed.. =P Man... why me... ?

Well, for one thing, that rant was pretty one-sided.... there's a favourite Trek saying of mine that goes, "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations." Makes sense doesn't it? Personally, I find this saying VERY true with people. Sure, we can always generalize and USUALLY find the generalization correct (or else they wouldn't be generalizations would they? =P) but at the same time, people are a very unique species... it is so amazing that while in a general sense we all look the same... same limbs, two eyes, ears, etc... but each one of us is so unique in the way we interact with each other, the way we respond to different things, our own personalities, interests, etc. While many of these may overlap, but the overall product is always different. Just because a friendship-turned-into-relationship doesn't work for some cases, doesn't mean it won't work at all! Yeah... had a few people point that out to me (thanks guys =P).

To be honest, who says that the relationship I am pursuing won't work at all? Just cuz she MIGHT see me as a friend only.... heck, I don't even know if she really 100% only sees me as a friend... I'm just basing it on just a few ICQ msgs here and there.... but really, there were other indications that it might not be... lots of contradicting information.. who am I kidding? I can't possibly be able to decide from all of this... besides, like I said before, it's the mystery of life that makes it interesting... if I already knew what the result would be, would I be as excited about it as I am/was/will be? =P Haha yeah... this always makes me happy and excited... don't know.. something about her... I really fell head over heels for her when I first met her..... and that was quite some time ago =P So you all probably asking, why I haven't told her yet? Well, let's just say I don't see her very often.. (hope that was cryptic enough. lol). So yeah... and well, I plan to tell her when I do see her.... whether it works or not... I will do it just to get it out of my head.. but I hope it doesn't screw things over for her... I don't care about what happens to me.. it's her that matters anyway right now.. yeah.. I'm that type of guy =P I'd go a few hundred miles farther for her than some people would believe... but unfortunately, it might be too far for my gas mileage... as past experience has shown =P... =D

March 10, 2002

Well..... that last rant really seemed dumb... but just for the sake of history, I will leave it..... but yeah... I think I was just going through some kind of shitty feeling for that week... maybe it was't because of the girl.... blah.... well, whatever... stupid me eh? Anyway, it's back to business here.. (I hope) =P. I'm feeling a little better now, but still too lazy to get my sorry ass to do any work. lol... as usual. Hopefully this week will change all that.. if not, I'm really going to kick the bucket this term.... 6 years of university..... thought only Engineers go thru that at Mac. LOL j/k =P

March 7, 2002

Okay folks.. this is going to be a LONG one.... I've been having a HORRIBLE week..... super depression, lack of any motivation to work, etc. etc..... it's just been one tormenting day after another.... and may we ask WHY ladies and gentlemen?? Well, here's why.. and for crying out loud someone SHOOT me because of this...... it's a girl problem...... that's right.... good ol' NSOL is back on the love pain train.... now someone shoot me really... cuz logically this is a very dumb reason.... but yet I cannot get myself to do work... ai..

Well, ok... just to make the long story short, there's a girl I like (don't ask for details, I will NOT reveal them on the fear she might be reading this =P), and before it seemed we were hitting it off quite well. But lately I've been getting the weird notion that she only sees me as a friend..... yes... that inevitable point where a girl decides you're only her friend and nothing more... c'mon... you guys have probably been there or maybe not.. but believe me... from my own personal experience and from what I've seen and read, such a point exists... (if you are a regular/lurker at the MegaTokyo Forums, you will understand why =P). In my opinion, this is really a dead end road, as once you reveal your feelings for the girl, you will obviously lose.. and as a consequence, quite possibly ruin the existing friendship you might have with this girl. Quite a no-win situation wouldn't you say?

Of course, this is my super negative side bitching again.... I mean, it's not really a no-win situation... it's a no-win situation in regards to the girl, but me myself as a person still has something to gain. From all those girls that I liked from late elementary to throughout high school, I've learned a great deal about both myself and about relationships in general. To be completely honest, I'm not exactly very good with girls.. I think it's true. I mean.. c'mon! You're looking at a guy who didn't get his first girlfriend until he was 21!! =P And even with all the failures, I've learned a great deal..... for one thing, I was really an over-imaginative guy in high school, thinking a girl likes me when she's just being friendly like.... it's something I've learned to control now... I think.. I hope..... =P lol... yeah, I'm really pathetic... secondly, and this is thanks to a friend of mine, and to all those stories on the MegaTokyo Forums, that once you've become friends with a girl, there is no turning back... you are stuck as being friends.. period. And even if you do make it and turn it into a relationship, if it ends, it will hurt afterwards.. sometimes very BADLY. The relationship will NEVER be the same. Well, usually anyway... the possibilities are endless. It might not be this way for some of you, but right now this is what I'm fearing as we speak.... I'm afraid that I'm in that "friends" trap and will never be able to get out of it unless another girl happens to pique my interests... which I doubt.. I'm a very picky guy =P

So after reading this, you're probably thinking, this doesn't really justify an entire week of slacking off and not doing work right? Well logically, I would agree, however, this is an EMOTIONAL issue, and emotions are hard to describe and justify logically... so there! =P I mean, what could possibly be so good about this girl I'm literally killing myself over? Well, if only I knew, then I wouldn't have to go through this would I? Just goes to show, here's something I just thought up of today:

"Maybe knowing whether someone likes you or not would make things easier, but sometimes it isn't that great of a thing. Whether or not if your having to ask someone out results in a failure or success, there will always be something to be learned from the experience. Sure, you'll probably feel like a wreck when it goes bad, but at least it's done and you'll recover. And perhaps from the trying you have learned something. It's better than having the answer right in your face and not having to learn anything at all.... isn't that's what life's all about?"

Learning? Yeah, I think it is... to me, the greatest reward from all my mistakes/successes is learning... it's just a matter of taking what I learned into practice that seems hard. Heh... old habits die hard... maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic... or not romantic at all. lol =P Whatever.. Just needed to vent this out...

(and girl, if you happen to be reading this.... I really hope you won't think it's you I'm talking about here.... or I'm screwed =P Cuz I had it planned when I will tell you..... but now I'm not so sure anymore.... but if you ask me, I will honestly answer you. I just wish I could do it in person instead.....)

February 27, 2002

UGH..... End of Reading Week.. or what was SUPPOSED to be Reading Week... heck, I BARELY got ANY work done!!! I didn't even hand in my CS 3TA3 assignment that was due on Monday... that's just great.... and I had my CS 4MN3 midterm that day too.... guess when did I actually start studying for it? MONDAY MORNING!! =P Gawd... I swear something is VERY wrong with me this term.... I can't believe how much I'm slacking compared to the good ol' days when I could actually look in the mirror and be proud of my work ethic... I feel like it's back to my high school habits again... WTF... Oh well, at least the midterm was alright.... we all got our butts expanded a couple inches, if you get my drift =P So it wasn't a major disaster... at least I had all my classmates to share the pain. Haha....

Next midterm tomorrow.. 3TA3.... the most DREADED class in all of McMaster's Comp Sci program... Hell... even Waterloo's comparable course seems easier!! I swear, we have a professor that seems to be hellbent with a vendetta against the students... The good news is that the midterm should not be too difficult.... the bad news is that the final exam will be. Does the words "open book" mean anything to you? For those of you who are in University, you'll understand.. for those that are not or in a lower education level.... don't think this is a good thing.. it ISN'T... "Open Book" means that the prof has the excuse to make the exam SOO difficult that everything you bring with you will be useless... and it's true too! Ask anyone who's been in this class and they will tell you right away to study like you've never studied before for this one! I'm already scared as it is.. I don't understand a damn thing in lecture and I'm completely lost!! This is another one of those "just-get-a-pass-and-forget-about-it" courses... that D- sure looks good enough for me.. anyway.. wow.. this was long! This page is going to fill up pretty quick at this rate!

February 21, 2002

Wow.... it's been more than a month since I last wrote... bah! But as if anyone reads this anyway.... Well, many things have happened since then. For one thing, I got my old job back! YES!!!! My summer employment is now guaranteed!!! Now if only I could say the same for Full Time... sigh.... Ah well!! That's just another great challenge for me to face and get slaughtered on in stylez =P Heh, j/k. I'm sure something will come up.. it always seems to... Secondly, I've dropped my Databases course and added one of my required courses in its place a long time ago... so I still have 2 courses.. but for a short time it was 3.... er... did I make any sense? Anyway, the databases course wasn't exactly interesting to me... too much theory. I'm more of a hands-on type of guy... (plus, I couldn't finish the first assignment that was worth 13%!! =P).. so I just dropped it... lucky I added the other course first, or OSAP will kill me even more! It's bad enough I'm blacklisted now... grumble.. thanks Dad =P Ah well, St. Valentine's Day passed... hope you all had a good one. Mine was alright... I'm single yes... but I still have someone in mind..... and I kinda have to say I kind of spent some of St. Valentine's day with her.. kind... of... er... yeah =P (My friends must be rolling their eyes by now. haha) Anyway, time for me to sign off and finish doing all my work!! Talk about READING WEEK!!! DACK!

January 8, 2002

School's on. Joy. Just what I have been waiting for sooo long. Well, but why should I be dreading this term when I only have TWO courses? That's right... only TWO, plus a project though, but that's not THAT much you may say... well, that might be true, but you guys don't know what kind of professor(s) I have to deal with this term. My automata and computability professor is notorious in our University Computer Science faculty. If you can survive him, you can survive ANYTHING the faculty will throw at you up to and including an oil tanker. I am not joking. I don't think he's a bad professor. After been through two of his lectures, it's not TOO bad, but just TRYING to understand what he's saying is already a great challenge. He doesn't have the best english skills, but his reputation for giving murderous exams is well deserved. I wish I took this course last year with my friends like I should have... but NOOO.... decided to chicken out and end up taking it with NO ONE I know. Smart eh? Well, now I will live with the consequence of my choice. Just fine..... oh well.

January 2, 2002

It's another brand new year! Happy New Year to you all! So, another year passes, and I still feel like nothing's new. =P Soon it will be back to McMaster again for another wonderful term... *groan*. Like everyone else, we all kinda wish we were just finished school... (or at least, finished PAYING for it! ARGH!) but at the same time, things will never be the same once we graduate.... all the times we get to hang out with friends in between lectures, the constaint searching/begging/bargaining for assignments and other helpful things.. ahhhh... yeah, you University students may not believe it now, but once we're gone, you'll kill to go back again... I always laughed when my co-workers told me that during my summer job, but now I can almost completely understand it...... the money handling, the having-to-take-care-of-one's self, etc... all that is pretty scary if you ask me. Oh well, just another challenge for a grunt like myself. Well, bring it on! Cuz here comes the airborne!