"And you're here because you think you killed your wife,"

That familiar cold metal in his gut, the rising ache. He'd never said it to Benny, never admitted it aloud. "I did kill her," Eli said, his voice dry in his mouth.

"You think it," Benny said, patiently. "You live it, again and again, by keeping it in your mind."

Eli frowned, feeling agitated now, angry. "So? I keep it in my mind. I feel bad about it, I... I deserve to be punished."

"And as long ad you believe that, you will stay here. If things were stable, outside, that might be all right, at least for a while longer. I wish you had more time... but things are speeding up, now."
...
"Time is moving."
...
"You think you deserve to stay in the pain, to repeat it. You think that you murdered your wife, and lost your relationship with your daughter because of it."
...
"Yes."

Benny reached forward and took his hand, looking into his eyes. "I know what it is, to stay in pain. You think it's beyond your control, that you don't have a choice... but you can decide to let it go. Because here's the thing - even if it's true, even if you actually murdered her, it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever happened, it's the past, now. For you, this place - " Benny glanced around at the dim, empty room. " - is like a cage of the past. It's a trap. And you can leave it behind. You can - you must - choose to set yourself free."

Tears trickled from his eyes, he couldn't help it, no longer cared. He felt desperate, felt he was being offered some impossible dream. "How? How?"

"By understanding time," Benny said. "By knowing the truth. You already know it, most people know it, but they let themselves forget. They hang on to the pain because it's familiar, because to let it go might mean having to change. It's easier to keep the pain than to ask the questions, to find out why you think what you think, to question why you do the things you do. Nobody wants that, nobody wants to tear themselves down, rebuild from the beginning, only to have to do it again, and again. But the nature of time, for beings like you and me - it has to be about movement. It has to be a process, not a goal. There is no goal."

"I know that, but - "

"You don't know it! Listen, Eli, hear what I'm saying with your gut, not with your mind. You think that holding yourself responsible for your wife's death, that staying in a place like this will help somebody, somewhere. You think your relationship with your daughter is something that is, a noun, a thing that can be broken, or fixed. Neither of those things are true. Time moves. Ruri is dead, she died long, long ago, and you are alive. What you have with your daughter isn't a thing, it's a process, a verb, it's something you create with each and every moment. If you want to atone for Ruri's death, then do it. Understand the process you have with your daughter, as much as you can, work with her to make each living moment worthwhile. But repeating the guilt, living in the pain, in the past - it doesn't work. It denies time. It denies life."
...
He felt compelled to tell Benny that he was wrong, somehow, that he needed to feel bad, to stay where he was... but a part of him knew better, too, knew that Benny was telling him the truth. He'd told himself that he'd broken his daughter's heart... and then clung to the guilt, using it, letting it victimize both of them instead of trying to understand the process of their relationship. So many years, wasted. How could he live with that, with knowing that? How -

"There's the trap again," Benny said, a hint of smile in his eyes. "Do you see? Get past the blame. See what's in front of you, see her. Let it go."

Eli shook his head, but not in denial of anything. It was such a leap of understanding, of faith, to accept - time moved. Was it really that simple? Could it be as easy as just deciding?

"It's never easy," Benny said. "But it is that simple. Stand up, Eli. Come with me. Decide to move on, to explore, to see what there is to see."
-------

Guilt... I'm starting to hate that word. A lot of things going through my mind... To get past the blame... the process... to start again... with that one sheet of paper...

A Bridge Too Far...

Funny I always love doing these pictoral blog entries...

I just wonder how long it'll take to rebuild this bridge, or if it can be at all...

In a bit of a.... pickle...

I cannot believe I just used that as my title... but... *shrug*. Whatever... at least I know it'll put a smile on someone's face when she reads it... you bum =P.

I'm at a loss of words of where I am. It seems I'm still not past my big life crises (plural for crisis... in case you're wondering). Even though I'm 26, I am not at the mental capacity of a 26 year-old (sees a lot of "Well, DUH!" signs pop up from the usual suspects =P). Yeah yeah, so it's not exactly news, but the fact that it isn't old news it's starting to irritate me. Perhaps being sheltered at home for so long has been detrimental. I feel an urge to expand, to grow... and soon. I'm quite terrified actually... because I'm contemplating something that I've only daydreamed about but thought wouldn't be possible. I want to quit my job... I've gotten comfortable there to the point I'm lazy. I'm not growing within the company as I had hoped. Sure, maybe a year is too soon to tell, but I can just feel it in my bones. Maybe after my 2 year anniversary, I'll make the jump... but I don't know. It's also the fact that I just don't know bugs the shit out of me. Why haven't I decided yet? Why haven't I developed the same ambitions and goals that other successful people have? Shouldn't I have a say on my life by now? What the fsck is going on?? Where do I want to go? What do I have to offer? Despite all the praise I've gotten from my bosses, I don't feel that I'm contributing in a way that would make a difference. Something is still missing. I feel like I need to get out from my home... truly away from my comfort zone to accomplish anything. My trip to SFO was a start... to truly travel alone... to go out and just... experience things... do I need to do that? If so, there's only one place I feel that I can go to just do that... at least, the only place I can think of given the strange interest that I've always had... those of you that know me well enough should know... where else did boys go to become men? It's almost getting to that point... and I am afraid.

I just know I need to do it... because many things depend on it... I want to change soon, because it's not that I'm running out of time, I'm scared that someone else is... Again, the phrase comes back time and time again... "My God, What Have I Done?"

SFO... wow

Currently Listening To: Faure - Pavane Op. 50

Just came back from my two week stint in San Francisco! Wow... all I know is that I really needed that vacation! It was great! Nice to meet up w/ friends, take my other friend who came as well sightseeing! Visit all the tourist traps I've been to 12 years ago! So fun!

Anyways, it was a very rewarding experience in the sense that... well... I've learned more about myself these past two weeks that will change things for me again for the rest of the year. Well, one of the big things I want to do will probably cause an uproar... but... I'll save that explanation for later. Also, boy... the people in California put me to SHAME in regards to my health and stuff... time to really put that workout regimen to use... I really need to get into shape... sigh.

Well, time to get back into the flow of things here... I got a lot of things to do... a LOT...