It's interesting to truly see how much of a retard one was by walking back along the path to see what one had done and its consequences. Apparently I had forgotten a great deal of what I've done, but all I can see is the massive destruction that resulted from it. It's like I left a trail of napalm wherever I stepped.
I was hoping to walk back across a bridge I thought was still there... only to see that in my own foolish, stupid, black-hearted way, I had blown the bridge completely up.
So I guess that further concludes my journey back.
Time to turn around again... this time for good.
11:30pm EDIT: Time to rebuild the bridge. And it's going to take some doing.
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"I keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself. Of course, my brothers, I really do not think that I have already won it; the one thing I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead. So I run straight toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above." - Philippians 3:12-14
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My God, what have I done? And I damn better have learned my lesson from all of this... To repeat this mistake again would kill me...
All I have to say right now is, What.The.Fuck.Just.Happened???
I guess I've finally opened my eyes... that my senses have finally been able to see the reality in front of me that I had denied for so long... that even though I thought the door was still there, but in truth, as each day passed during these 3 years, there was a brick wall going up... one brick at a time... until finally, the door was sealed away forever...
Now I stand before this brick wall. And yet, I feel ok with that? I suddenly feel at ease? Then what the heck was I doing for the past 2-3 years??? My friends say that it's actually alright... that perhaps the recent events have given me the closure I need. To hear her actually talk about someone else other than me... for her to shed tears over someone other than me... I think that just did it... I truly realize that I am finished. For good.
So now, it seems like I don't even need to do anything anymore... well, I already set in motion the plan to go over, but I guess I no longer need to accomplish everything I originally thought I would. It's a weird feeling...
Of course, whether this feeling is permanent or not, that remains to be seen. Plus, there's no going back anyways so I might as well continue on course. I really hope this is it... I've done enough flipping back and forth to frustrate generations of psychiatrists for years to come.
All I want to do is see you again Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile Smiled the way it was before
Well I’ll try not to hold you And I’ll try not to kiss you And I won’t even touch you
All I want to do is see you Don’t you know that it’s true
I remember the days when we’d walk through the woods And sit on a bench for a while I treasure the way we used to laugh and play And look in each others eyes
You can keep me at a distance if you don’t trust my resistance But I swear I won’t touch you
All I want to do is see you Don’t you know that it’s true
Well I know five years is a long time And that times change (oh that times change) But I think that you will find People are basically the same (basically the same)
If the water’s still flowing, we can go for a swim And do the things we used to do And if I’m reluctant you can pull me in And we can relive our youth
Oh but we’ll stay friendly like sister and brother Though I think I still love you
All I want to do is see you Don’t you know that it’s true?
All I want to do is see you Don’t you know that it’s true?
It's a nice song. I like it. But the only problem is that it probably gives the impression that I want to be rescued. It would be nice, but in truth the only person that can rescue me is myself.
December is 3 months away. A lot can still happen within that amount of time...
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Keane - Something In Me Was Dying
Something in me was dying And my heart was heavy as stone Hard as I was trying I never could find, find my way home
And your voice came out of nowhere Be my friend and give me your hand Let's take off together And then we can live wherever we land
Something in me was broken And my thoughts were bitter and ill My world was blown open And I couldn’t see and I couldn’t feel You said be yourself and think of me And you'll know there's nothing to fear Let's make plans together It's time to move on and get out of here
Girl I need you Don’t know what I would do Will you see the story through It's a cruel world And I need somewhere to hide But time goes by And you're still on my side
Something in me was sinking Cause my heart was heavy as stone I gave up with thinking I never would find, find my way home And your voice came out of nowhere Be my friend and give me your hand Let's take off together And then we can live wherever we land
Girl I need you Don’t know what I would do Will you see the story through It's a cruel world And I need somewhere to hide The time goes by And you're still on my side
Waiting Searching Turning over Running round in circles And I've worn myself out Hoping that we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together Yeah we'll always be together
Nothing's worse than a communication problem. I was unable to accomplish what I had hoped today. We will see if I have better luck tomorrow.
So she believes that she has not listened to God. And that now she swears not to ignore Him again. Well, I don't know what she thinks God is saying to her, but I hope that she hears right and listens well. She is gifted in that way. That I know.
I, on the other hand, would not be so fortunate. For how can a man be able to listen when he has chosen to cut off his own ears? I just know I'm walking deaf, dumb and blind. Well, most of you can emphasize the 'dumb' part I'm certain.
Tomorrow is just another day away... another day I wish I didn't have to wait for.
So the situation has changed a bit again today. Got some news that I will selfishly call 'good.' As evil as it may be, right now I'm going to take whatever I can get.
However, while this may remove one obstacle in my path, there are millions more in the way. The same problems persist, and the destruction I sowed still needs to be undone. Not an easy job.
Slowly and surely I go again. Be resolute. Do what must be done. Do not falter. Many more battles lie ahead... and I must take it to the very (if not bitter) end.
