March 7, 2002

Okay folks.. this is going to be a LONG one.... I've been having a HORRIBLE week..... super depression, lack of any motivation to work, etc. etc..... it's just been one tormenting day after another.... and may we ask WHY ladies and gentlemen?? Well, here's why.. and for crying out loud someone SHOOT me because of this...... it's a girl problem...... that's right.... good ol' NSOL is back on the love pain train.... now someone shoot me really... cuz logically this is a very dumb reason.... but yet I cannot get myself to do work... ai..

Well, ok... just to make the long story short, there's a girl I like (don't ask for details, I will NOT reveal them on the fear she might be reading this =P), and before it seemed we were hitting it off quite well. But lately I've been getting the weird notion that she only sees me as a friend..... yes... that inevitable point where a girl decides you're only her friend and nothing more... c'mon... you guys have probably been there or maybe not.. but believe me... from my own personal experience and from what I've seen and read, such a point exists... (if you are a regular/lurker at the MegaTokyo Forums, you will understand why =P). In my opinion, this is really a dead end road, as once you reveal your feelings for the girl, you will obviously lose.. and as a consequence, quite possibly ruin the existing friendship you might have with this girl. Quite a no-win situation wouldn't you say?

Of course, this is my super negative side bitching again.... I mean, it's not really a no-win situation... it's a no-win situation in regards to the girl, but me myself as a person still has something to gain. From all those girls that I liked from late elementary to throughout high school, I've learned a great deal about both myself and about relationships in general. To be completely honest, I'm not exactly very good with girls.. I think it's true. I mean.. c'mon! You're looking at a guy who didn't get his first girlfriend until he was 21!! =P And even with all the failures, I've learned a great deal..... for one thing, I was really an over-imaginative guy in high school, thinking a girl likes me when she's just being friendly like.... it's something I've learned to control now... I think.. I hope..... =P lol... yeah, I'm really pathetic... secondly, and this is thanks to a friend of mine, and to all those stories on the MegaTokyo Forums, that once you've become friends with a girl, there is no turning back... you are stuck as being friends.. period. And even if you do make it and turn it into a relationship, if it ends, it will hurt afterwards.. sometimes very BADLY. The relationship will NEVER be the same. Well, usually anyway... the possibilities are endless. It might not be this way for some of you, but right now this is what I'm fearing as we speak.... I'm afraid that I'm in that "friends" trap and will never be able to get out of it unless another girl happens to pique my interests... which I doubt.. I'm a very picky guy =P

So after reading this, you're probably thinking, this doesn't really justify an entire week of slacking off and not doing work right? Well logically, I would agree, however, this is an EMOTIONAL issue, and emotions are hard to describe and justify logically... so there! =P I mean, what could possibly be so good about this girl I'm literally killing myself over? Well, if only I knew, then I wouldn't have to go through this would I? Just goes to show, here's something I just thought up of today:

"Maybe knowing whether someone likes you or not would make things easier, but sometimes it isn't that great of a thing. Whether or not if your having to ask someone out results in a failure or success, there will always be something to be learned from the experience. Sure, you'll probably feel like a wreck when it goes bad, but at least it's done and you'll recover. And perhaps from the trying you have learned something. It's better than having the answer right in your face and not having to learn anything at all.... isn't that's what life's all about?"

Learning? Yeah, I think it is... to me, the greatest reward from all my mistakes/successes is learning... it's just a matter of taking what I learned into practice that seems hard. Heh... old habits die hard... maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic... or not romantic at all. lol =P Whatever.. Just needed to vent this out...

(and girl, if you happen to be reading this.... I really hope you won't think it's you I'm talking about here.... or I'm screwed =P Cuz I had it planned when I will tell you..... but now I'm not so sure anymore.... but if you ask me, I will honestly answer you. I just wish I could do it in person instead.....)