Matthew 22:21

"Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s"

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I am dying inside.

The feeling is like the end of the Korean War... agree to a ceasefire, but no final peace settlement... both sides still technically at war with one another... an uneasy peace... such an impasse has lasted for more than 50 years now. Yet I'm struggling to handle the impasse that I have been given since Tuesday.

I am dying inside.

I struggle deeply knowing that as things stand, the chances of success are very low. Our paths appear to have parted almost to the point of never meeting again. She is very determined to live the life that God has shown her so far. I understand that. I fully support it even. But then, I am left alone... Yes, it was my own doing, but in hindsight, if it helped her focus on her program and her mission, then it was for the best. Of course, the method I chose to do it was still wrong. I'll have to get over that...

If there is anything at all that can be done, is that I myself have to take all the steps to try to even begin to rebuild this gift. But then, it would be a really big step. I'd have to leave everything behind. And would doing so be a good idea? While I would foolishly say that she is worth everything to me, but I feel I am corrupted enough to not do it in the end. That is troubling...

Yesterday when I was at Macau with her and met up w/ a mutual friend from Toronto, they discussed a lot of things that struck me very deeply. One of which is letting go. Yes, I've tried to do it many times over the past year or so and failed miserably. But this time I probably have to try again with the logic that, I might have to let something go in order to discover if it is really mine. You know that old saying, "If it was meant to be, it will come back to you again." I think this is what I must do. This was God's gift to me that I have returned to Him (in a very poor fashion unfortunately). I have to let go completely to see if God will give this gift back to me again. Not as easy as it sounds. Pray hard... pray hard...

The conflict I feel is that ok, we must stand down and give our lives to God, ask Him what He wants from us and to fulfill this mission to the best of our ability. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a deaf guy and have never been able to find this out for myself. I can only guess, but even today I really don't understand what my purpose is. So one thing I could do is continue on the path that I'm walking and keep asking God along the way what to do next.

The problem I have with that is I am terribly afraid that this path will only take me further away from her. Her life is here, I think I can see that. She feels that the continual development of Macau is only an opportunity, not something to be frowned upon like some would think. Sure, there is the risk of having some unsavory parts like Vegas, but that's the beauty of it. This is her front line. This is her battle. It is a glorious purpose, one that I somewhat envy. For me, I feel something similar in Canada seeing how we've legalized same-sex marriage and all that. It's pretty much the same thing. So there's my fear. Our lives have taken roads apart from one another. But all this time I've spent with her, it only makes me realize just how much I desire her more. It is a terrible prospect.

What should I do? I will get my HK ID to open the possibility of working in HK. But do I really want to do that? I am so culturally different that it might be a bad idea. Also I know I'm a bit slow in terms of work ethic which might not meet the standards that people here expect and therefore make me very unwelcome. I'm also wondering if this is not putting my life in God's hands but instead taking it from Him. Me taking all those actions... am I forcing it? I really wish I could answer. Would forcing it only cause me to drift further away? The fistful of sand analogy... gripping it tighter only makes it slip faster...

I don't even know if I can bear to see her any more than I already have. I am definitely too selfish. I am yearning for something that as of right now, I cannot have. Whether or not I'll be able to have it again someday, I can't tell right now. Most likely not. Will my heart and mind just accept that fact and move on? Not right now, that's for sure. Hence why the passage at the top strikes me so much tonight. Her life belongs to God. So therefore, I must give to God what is His. I must learn to let go of her life.

God, help me learn to do as You will. Perhaps that is the miracle that I truly need...