Well, a week has passed since my last real rant.. or journal entry.. or whatever ya wanna call it.. it's not really a rant anymore.. I ain't bitchin at anything in particular other than how I'm such a freak. lol =P Ah well, I don't even understand myself so what the hey.. I will always be that weird guy people would prolly recall later on... when I'm just nothing more than an afterthought to people =P You can tell I have really good self-confidence here. haha... boy... I really should drink more... =P
First off, this page finally has a readership of at least TWO. LOL... well, maybe.... I just know that one of my McMaster friends was bored one night doing an assignment and read this page... and now the story of me chasing a girl is all over among my Mac friends... great! Yeah, I had a LOT of explaining to do that night.... At least the good thing is that they think I have very good taste in girls. HAHAHA... riiight.... anyway, I won't splurge on that topic too much..... except just to say that as of right now, things are looking up again..... probably to balance out the depression called final exams.... grumble...
Hmm... it's already the last week of March.... less than 2 weeks of school left... this is maddening... I got some serious butt to kick (specifically, my own so that I actually can START DOING SOME ACTUAL WORK! =P).. I am still clueless in my automata class.. even more so now that I have missed handing in the third assignment in a row! Yay.... that's 15% gone right there... I'm sooo good... =P I guess I am really going for the 100% final exam.... lucky I actually have that option.... but can I really pull a 70% on that one? Should be interesting... I highly doubt it =P Lucky for me, the exam got pushed back a week, so I get an extra week to study for it.... so I damn better not mess up.... or else it's back to a 3-year B.Sc. degree for me.... no more Honours Comp. Sci..... ..... dunno... the words "do or die" has never had so much meaning... =P
Project work is also due soon.... I just gotta start writing some serious crap about IIS, Apache server, and implementation of ASP in them, plus maybe a touch of ODBC/Database stuff.... who knows.. need to write it soon too... but I want to get home so that I can play around w/ my rebuilt Pentium 100 beater box... prolly install NT4 Server or something in there so I could run the project on.... depends really..... got another assignment due up soon too... have to get started on that as well.... and then there's the automata course I have to REALLY CATCH UP ON.... I can smell my death ready to strike me down..... life has never been sweeter (sarcasm).... =P
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
March 19, 2002
Actually, it's technically March 20... it's almost 2am.. and I can't seem to fall asleep at the moment.... (What??? A University student SLEEPING b4 2am? NO WAY!?!?).. haha yeah, everybody I know seems to envy the fact that I could sleep so 'early' =P Well, this is probably because I don't have tonnes of work to do due to the fact I only got two courses to worry about. I'm quite a lucky bastard in that respect, but if I haven't said it already, I'll say it again now and tell you that these two courses I'm taking are NOT to be taken lightly... so I still think I got quite a tough term to go through.... but oh well, so is the University life as it is...
Anyway, I wonder how many are actually out there reading this damn thing? I know there is at least ONE person for sure (sup Mike? lol), but I doubt there is anyone else since I haven't really told anyone about my page anyway... and since some of them are FOBs, they probably don't know what the word 'Rant' means. lol.. I'm so mean.. haha... I don't know, I actually want to keep this page going... but seems to not worth a damn since the readership is ONE.. =P Besides, who would give a rats 4ss about a small potato like me? I'm practically no one anyways.. heh.. kind of like it that way... being invisible has some advantages, especially for things like espionage or intelligence gathering.. but I ain't no spy.. so whatever =P
Hmm... so how's my life? Or specifically, my so-called love life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA pleaase.... as if.. =P Well, on that remark, nothing new.. at least nothing I'm willing to reveal here. haha... but the fact that I even mention it means something is up right? Well, I have to be honest and say yes.. something is up... but what that is exactly I won't say until it happens... until then.... I guess you just have to keep coming back to find out. lol But as for the rest of my life, things seem the same.... still lost.... no bloody clue as to what I'm going to do.... courses are still killing me... and there's that final project I'm dreading about... I'm only dreading since I still feel I've done jack sh*t for it and the rest of my group has done quite a lot in addition to the hectic schedule they have.... I should be contributing a lot since I have so much 'free time' but yet I don't... makes me feel pretty bad obviously, but hopefully that will change soon. Because I want to be able to contribute something..... and at the same time, we all have individual interviews with the comp sci heads to see what we've done so I need some material for that too! Oh boy... that's going to make me super nervous when it happens. But my group definitely plans to throw stuff my way so it's not so bad... I have to pick up ASP soon as that is part of the project that I will be responsible for.... mostly the back-end part of the work... such as web server setup, or something.... I'll find out..
On a rather sad note today, I found out that one of the priests at my church, Fr. Chao, has just passed away. I'm actually quite shocked as I just attended a mass he did just this past Sunday.... never really expected this to happen....... but at the same time, he was old and I knew it was inevitable it would happen... just didn't think it would be now... I always thought it would be a few years down the road or something...... ah well... I think my entire church will be pretty saddened by this news.... Fr. Chao had served our church very well for many years... he did my 2nd sister's wedding ceremony too... and my cousin's.... yeah.. he'll be missed..... a salute to his service!
Anyway, I wonder how many are actually out there reading this damn thing? I know there is at least ONE person for sure (sup Mike? lol), but I doubt there is anyone else since I haven't really told anyone about my page anyway... and since some of them are FOBs, they probably don't know what the word 'Rant' means. lol.. I'm so mean.. haha... I don't know, I actually want to keep this page going... but seems to not worth a damn since the readership is ONE.. =P Besides, who would give a rats 4ss about a small potato like me? I'm practically no one anyways.. heh.. kind of like it that way... being invisible has some advantages, especially for things like espionage or intelligence gathering.. but I ain't no spy.. so whatever =P
Hmm... so how's my life? Or specifically, my so-called love life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA pleaase.... as if.. =P Well, on that remark, nothing new.. at least nothing I'm willing to reveal here. haha... but the fact that I even mention it means something is up right? Well, I have to be honest and say yes.. something is up... but what that is exactly I won't say until it happens... until then.... I guess you just have to keep coming back to find out. lol But as for the rest of my life, things seem the same.... still lost.... no bloody clue as to what I'm going to do.... courses are still killing me... and there's that final project I'm dreading about... I'm only dreading since I still feel I've done jack sh*t for it and the rest of my group has done quite a lot in addition to the hectic schedule they have.... I should be contributing a lot since I have so much 'free time' but yet I don't... makes me feel pretty bad obviously, but hopefully that will change soon. Because I want to be able to contribute something..... and at the same time, we all have individual interviews with the comp sci heads to see what we've done so I need some material for that too! Oh boy... that's going to make me super nervous when it happens. But my group definitely plans to throw stuff my way so it's not so bad... I have to pick up ASP soon as that is part of the project that I will be responsible for.... mostly the back-end part of the work... such as web server setup, or something.... I'll find out..
On a rather sad note today, I found out that one of the priests at my church, Fr. Chao, has just passed away. I'm actually quite shocked as I just attended a mass he did just this past Sunday.... never really expected this to happen....... but at the same time, he was old and I knew it was inevitable it would happen... just didn't think it would be now... I always thought it would be a few years down the road or something...... ah well... I think my entire church will be pretty saddened by this news.... Fr. Chao had served our church very well for many years... he did my 2nd sister's wedding ceremony too... and my cousin's.... yeah.. he'll be missed..... a salute to his service!
Monday, March 11, 2002
March 11, 2002
Okay.. maybe that rant was pretty misguided and a little too quick of thinking on my part... but hey, that's what happens when I get a little depressed.. =P Man... why me... ?
Well, for one thing, that rant was pretty one-sided.... there's a favourite Trek saying of mine that goes, "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations." Makes sense doesn't it? Personally, I find this saying VERY true with people. Sure, we can always generalize and USUALLY find the generalization correct (or else they wouldn't be generalizations would they? =P) but at the same time, people are a very unique species... it is so amazing that while in a general sense we all look the same... same limbs, two eyes, ears, etc... but each one of us is so unique in the way we interact with each other, the way we respond to different things, our own personalities, interests, etc. While many of these may overlap, but the overall product is always different. Just because a friendship-turned-into-relationship doesn't work for some cases, doesn't mean it won't work at all! Yeah... had a few people point that out to me (thanks guys =P).
To be honest, who says that the relationship I am pursuing won't work at all? Just cuz she MIGHT see me as a friend only.... heck, I don't even know if she really 100% only sees me as a friend... I'm just basing it on just a few ICQ msgs here and there.... but really, there were other indications that it might not be... lots of contradicting information.. who am I kidding? I can't possibly be able to decide from all of this... besides, like I said before, it's the mystery of life that makes it interesting... if I already knew what the result would be, would I be as excited about it as I am/was/will be? =P Haha yeah... this always makes me happy and excited... don't know.. something about her... I really fell head over heels for her when I first met her..... and that was quite some time ago =P So you all probably asking, why I haven't told her yet? Well, let's just say I don't see her very often.. (hope that was cryptic enough. lol). So yeah... and well, I plan to tell her when I do see her.... whether it works or not... I will do it just to get it out of my head.. but I hope it doesn't screw things over for her... I don't care about what happens to me.. it's her that matters anyway right now.. yeah.. I'm that type of guy =P I'd go a few hundred miles farther for her than some people would believe... but unfortunately, it might be too far for my gas mileage... as past experience has shown =P... =D
Well, for one thing, that rant was pretty one-sided.... there's a favourite Trek saying of mine that goes, "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations." Makes sense doesn't it? Personally, I find this saying VERY true with people. Sure, we can always generalize and USUALLY find the generalization correct (or else they wouldn't be generalizations would they? =P) but at the same time, people are a very unique species... it is so amazing that while in a general sense we all look the same... same limbs, two eyes, ears, etc... but each one of us is so unique in the way we interact with each other, the way we respond to different things, our own personalities, interests, etc. While many of these may overlap, but the overall product is always different. Just because a friendship-turned-into-relationship doesn't work for some cases, doesn't mean it won't work at all! Yeah... had a few people point that out to me (thanks guys =P).
To be honest, who says that the relationship I am pursuing won't work at all? Just cuz she MIGHT see me as a friend only.... heck, I don't even know if she really 100% only sees me as a friend... I'm just basing it on just a few ICQ msgs here and there.... but really, there were other indications that it might not be... lots of contradicting information.. who am I kidding? I can't possibly be able to decide from all of this... besides, like I said before, it's the mystery of life that makes it interesting... if I already knew what the result would be, would I be as excited about it as I am/was/will be? =P Haha yeah... this always makes me happy and excited... don't know.. something about her... I really fell head over heels for her when I first met her..... and that was quite some time ago =P So you all probably asking, why I haven't told her yet? Well, let's just say I don't see her very often.. (hope that was cryptic enough. lol). So yeah... and well, I plan to tell her when I do see her.... whether it works or not... I will do it just to get it out of my head.. but I hope it doesn't screw things over for her... I don't care about what happens to me.. it's her that matters anyway right now.. yeah.. I'm that type of guy =P I'd go a few hundred miles farther for her than some people would believe... but unfortunately, it might be too far for my gas mileage... as past experience has shown =P... =D
Sunday, March 10, 2002
March 10, 2002
Well..... that last rant really seemed dumb... but just for the sake of history, I will leave it..... but yeah... I think I was just going through some kind of shitty feeling for that week... maybe it was't because of the girl.... blah.... well, whatever... stupid me eh? Anyway, it's back to business here.. (I hope) =P. I'm feeling a little better now, but still too lazy to get my sorry ass to do any work. lol... as usual. Hopefully this week will change all that.. if not, I'm really going to kick the bucket this term.... 6 years of university..... thought only Engineers go thru that at Mac. LOL j/k =P
Thursday, March 07, 2002
March 7, 2002
Okay folks.. this is going to be a LONG one.... I've been having a HORRIBLE week..... super depression, lack of any motivation to work, etc. etc..... it's just been one tormenting day after another.... and may we ask WHY ladies and gentlemen?? Well, here's why.. and for crying out loud someone SHOOT me because of this...... it's a girl problem...... that's right.... good ol' NSOL is back on the love pain train.... now someone shoot me really... cuz logically this is a very dumb reason.... but yet I cannot get myself to do work... ai..
Well, ok... just to make the long story short, there's a girl I like (don't ask for details, I will NOT reveal them on the fear she might be reading this =P), and before it seemed we were hitting it off quite well. But lately I've been getting the weird notion that she only sees me as a friend..... yes... that inevitable point where a girl decides you're only her friend and nothing more... c'mon... you guys have probably been there or maybe not.. but believe me... from my own personal experience and from what I've seen and read, such a point exists... (if you are a regular/lurker at the MegaTokyo Forums, you will understand why =P). In my opinion, this is really a dead end road, as once you reveal your feelings for the girl, you will obviously lose.. and as a consequence, quite possibly ruin the existing friendship you might have with this girl. Quite a no-win situation wouldn't you say?
Of course, this is my super negative side bitching again.... I mean, it's not really a no-win situation... it's a no-win situation in regards to the girl, but me myself as a person still has something to gain. From all those girls that I liked from late elementary to throughout high school, I've learned a great deal about both myself and about relationships in general. To be completely honest, I'm not exactly very good with girls.. I think it's true. I mean.. c'mon! You're looking at a guy who didn't get his first girlfriend until he was 21!! =P And even with all the failures, I've learned a great deal..... for one thing, I was really an over-imaginative guy in high school, thinking a girl likes me when she's just being friendly like.... it's something I've learned to control now... I think.. I hope..... =P lol... yeah, I'm really pathetic... secondly, and this is thanks to a friend of mine, and to all those stories on the MegaTokyo Forums, that once you've become friends with a girl, there is no turning back... you are stuck as being friends.. period. And even if you do make it and turn it into a relationship, if it ends, it will hurt afterwards.. sometimes very BADLY. The relationship will NEVER be the same. Well, usually anyway... the possibilities are endless. It might not be this way for some of you, but right now this is what I'm fearing as we speak.... I'm afraid that I'm in that "friends" trap and will never be able to get out of it unless another girl happens to pique my interests... which I doubt.. I'm a very picky guy =P
So after reading this, you're probably thinking, this doesn't really justify an entire week of slacking off and not doing work right? Well logically, I would agree, however, this is an EMOTIONAL issue, and emotions are hard to describe and justify logically... so there! =P I mean, what could possibly be so good about this girl I'm literally killing myself over? Well, if only I knew, then I wouldn't have to go through this would I? Just goes to show, here's something I just thought up of today:
"Maybe knowing whether someone likes you or not would make things easier, but sometimes it isn't that great of a thing. Whether or not if your having to ask someone out results in a failure or success, there will always be something to be learned from the experience. Sure, you'll probably feel like a wreck when it goes bad, but at least it's done and you'll recover. And perhaps from the trying you have learned something. It's better than having the answer right in your face and not having to learn anything at all.... isn't that's what life's all about?"
Learning? Yeah, I think it is... to me, the greatest reward from all my mistakes/successes is learning... it's just a matter of taking what I learned into practice that seems hard. Heh... old habits die hard... maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic... or not romantic at all. lol =P Whatever.. Just needed to vent this out...
(and girl, if you happen to be reading this.... I really hope you won't think it's you I'm talking about here.... or I'm screwed =P Cuz I had it planned when I will tell you..... but now I'm not so sure anymore.... but if you ask me, I will honestly answer you. I just wish I could do it in person instead.....)
Well, ok... just to make the long story short, there's a girl I like (don't ask for details, I will NOT reveal them on the fear she might be reading this =P), and before it seemed we were hitting it off quite well. But lately I've been getting the weird notion that she only sees me as a friend..... yes... that inevitable point where a girl decides you're only her friend and nothing more... c'mon... you guys have probably been there or maybe not.. but believe me... from my own personal experience and from what I've seen and read, such a point exists... (if you are a regular/lurker at the MegaTokyo Forums, you will understand why =P). In my opinion, this is really a dead end road, as once you reveal your feelings for the girl, you will obviously lose.. and as a consequence, quite possibly ruin the existing friendship you might have with this girl. Quite a no-win situation wouldn't you say?
Of course, this is my super negative side bitching again.... I mean, it's not really a no-win situation... it's a no-win situation in regards to the girl, but me myself as a person still has something to gain. From all those girls that I liked from late elementary to throughout high school, I've learned a great deal about both myself and about relationships in general. To be completely honest, I'm not exactly very good with girls.. I think it's true. I mean.. c'mon! You're looking at a guy who didn't get his first girlfriend until he was 21!! =P And even with all the failures, I've learned a great deal..... for one thing, I was really an over-imaginative guy in high school, thinking a girl likes me when she's just being friendly like.... it's something I've learned to control now... I think.. I hope..... =P lol... yeah, I'm really pathetic... secondly, and this is thanks to a friend of mine, and to all those stories on the MegaTokyo Forums, that once you've become friends with a girl, there is no turning back... you are stuck as being friends.. period. And even if you do make it and turn it into a relationship, if it ends, it will hurt afterwards.. sometimes very BADLY. The relationship will NEVER be the same. Well, usually anyway... the possibilities are endless. It might not be this way for some of you, but right now this is what I'm fearing as we speak.... I'm afraid that I'm in that "friends" trap and will never be able to get out of it unless another girl happens to pique my interests... which I doubt.. I'm a very picky guy =P
So after reading this, you're probably thinking, this doesn't really justify an entire week of slacking off and not doing work right? Well logically, I would agree, however, this is an EMOTIONAL issue, and emotions are hard to describe and justify logically... so there! =P I mean, what could possibly be so good about this girl I'm literally killing myself over? Well, if only I knew, then I wouldn't have to go through this would I? Just goes to show, here's something I just thought up of today:
"Maybe knowing whether someone likes you or not would make things easier, but sometimes it isn't that great of a thing. Whether or not if your having to ask someone out results in a failure or success, there will always be something to be learned from the experience. Sure, you'll probably feel like a wreck when it goes bad, but at least it's done and you'll recover. And perhaps from the trying you have learned something. It's better than having the answer right in your face and not having to learn anything at all.... isn't that's what life's all about?"
Learning? Yeah, I think it is... to me, the greatest reward from all my mistakes/successes is learning... it's just a matter of taking what I learned into practice that seems hard. Heh... old habits die hard... maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic... or not romantic at all. lol =P Whatever.. Just needed to vent this out...
(and girl, if you happen to be reading this.... I really hope you won't think it's you I'm talking about here.... or I'm screwed =P Cuz I had it planned when I will tell you..... but now I'm not so sure anymore.... but if you ask me, I will honestly answer you. I just wish I could do it in person instead.....)
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