What a difference 24 hours (and a long encyclical) can make.
Yes, I was depressed yesterday... AND this morning as well. Didn't give me a good start. I couldn't even bear to look at her anymore. I knew I was losing fast. So the opportunity came to have another talk during lunch as everyone else had fanned off to their own itineries. So I brought up how I felt at that moment. I still had strong feelings for her. I could not explain it. I wanted her back badly even knowing I could not get an answer right away.
From this day alone I can pinpoint two of the things that I adore her for:
1) She has a wisdom that I've learned to cherish. She can tell me things about myself that I should have realized but sometimes don't. She is like my psychiatrist.
2) She will talk about topics that I've always enjoyed discussing, sometimes ones that I just don't find with other people for some unknown reason.
Perhaps these two reasons made a weak foundation for our relationship back then... maybe I loved her for the wrong reasons, maybe it wasn't really love. Who knows. But back to the point...
She asked me to start looking deep within myself. What was it that caused me to initiate the breakup? And to keep digging deep until I find a basic and fundamental reason. What were my weaknesses? She told me that I had come looking for answers, expecting some kind of result, but couldn't get it. We people have to realize that the part of being human is sometimes NOT getting these answers. Do we really know where we are going? Of course not. So why should I be able to expect an answer from her when it is not something pressing on her mind? No wonder I am disappointed and depressed.
She mentioned that after her experiences, she realizes that an important part of relationships is that each person has to truly know themselves. Did I know myself? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Did I know what I wanted? Yeah, I did not really look at these things very deeply at the time, and perhaps up to this day I haven't. I wondered if I ever will.
She went to meet up with a friend and I, feeling completely lost and without any hope left, headed for my Aunt's where I was staying. I didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of the day, but I certainly felt like just crawling under a rock and staying there forever.
Then I remembered. Pope Benedict XVI had written an encyclical recently on the topic of Christian Hope. Since I had nothing better to do and had no hope left in my soul, I decided to read it.
My Lord, how You amaze me so...
Right off the bat, it talked about how we people could not always have clear answers. Faith is believing that whatever drives us everyday will eventually lead us to those answers, our purpose in our lives that we so want to know but don't. It was so in line with what she said to me earlier today that it struck a huge chord in me. This really was a lightbulb over the head moment. I kept reading it. It's a pretty long encyclical as even after 3 hours I was only halfway through. But there was so much in it that made sense and connected with what we discussed at lunch that I felt I had reached a turning point.
The closure I have sought for so long has finally come.
(At least, I really hope so. I don't want this to be a short-lived thing again)
So I felt great. I started to truly believe what I said earlier: letting her go to do what God wills her to do for Him. I have to stand aside and let things go as they should. I also have to start praying and listening harder for Him to show me where He wants me to go. As we walk on the journey of our lives, where we end up, we won't know. But it doesn't matter. Will we end up back together again? Who knows, and it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter! My faith is what keeps me from being afraid of drifting from her b/c it might be necessary! If I do not let her go, no one will benefit, especially me. As Spock said in ST 6, "let the universe unfold as it should." I must live with that mantra.
So I expect to return to Toronto in triumph. We have accomplished what we need and know also what is the next step. I believe that my low self-esteem could be a fundamental flaw I must deal with. It's not an easy one so I think I will choose to tackle one aspect that is the most easiest, and that is my physical appearance. Get in shape and be able to look into the mirror and be happy with myself. Sure, it may seem like a trivial thing, but the fact that I look at myself every morning feeling unsatisfied puts a kink in my self-esteem right at the start. So it does have a large multiplying factor to how I feel about myself. So let's deal with that first! It's the easiest! Whatever comes next, we'll figure out on the way. It's all about the journey now anyways, not the destination!
So there it is. Let us begin this renewal with confidence and with faith that God will show me the way despite the odds. Fears be damned indeed!
PS: If you are interested and have like, MANY hours to kill, the encyclical can be found
HERE
