"She Has No Time"

I'm back from the journey... back from the mission. Things are still terribly wrong...

I thought I had found salvation... I thought I had finally gotten past my problems... but just 3 days worth of time with her... and my world comes crashing down again. I think I've lost my mind entirely...

I've told her on the last day that I still loved her. But my words are meaningless. We are still of different worlds. Will that change? It's very obvious that she has a special role and place where she is. While neither she or I know what God intends for her, but I could tell it is important. That leaves the question of me... I am the deciding factor. I need to make a bold move. Actually, many bold moves.

I think I need to ask myself this one scary question, "What would happen if she found someone else again?" At this juncture, it would kill me even more. I have found that my feelings for her are even stronger than before. But if I keep asking myself that, would my answer stay the same?

God, help me face my future... whether it's with or without her... I should assume the latter, but I feel driven to make the former happen. I feel the need to take action, whether it is the right or wrong decision. Even if life over there ends up killing me...

For now, just another song for me to listen to... yes... unfortunately at least for now, I've turned on emo mode... Pray for me that I turn it off soon.


Keane - She Has No Time

You think your days are uneventful
And no one ever thinks about you
She goes her own way
She goes her own way
You think your days are ordinary
And no one ever thinks about you
But we're all the same
And she can hardly breathe without you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Think about the lonely people
Then think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself
And see it all dissolve around you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Lonely people tumble downwards
My heart opens up to you
When she says

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Hope, Faith, and a New Mission

What a difference 24 hours (and a long encyclical) can make.

Yes, I was depressed yesterday... AND this morning as well. Didn't give me a good start. I couldn't even bear to look at her anymore. I knew I was losing fast. So the opportunity came to have another talk during lunch as everyone else had fanned off to their own itineries. So I brought up how I felt at that moment. I still had strong feelings for her. I could not explain it. I wanted her back badly even knowing I could not get an answer right away.

From this day alone I can pinpoint two of the things that I adore her for:
1) She has a wisdom that I've learned to cherish. She can tell me things about myself that I should have realized but sometimes don't. She is like my psychiatrist.
2) She will talk about topics that I've always enjoyed discussing, sometimes ones that I just don't find with other people for some unknown reason.
Perhaps these two reasons made a weak foundation for our relationship back then... maybe I loved her for the wrong reasons, maybe it wasn't really love. Who knows. But back to the point...

She asked me to start looking deep within myself. What was it that caused me to initiate the breakup? And to keep digging deep until I find a basic and fundamental reason. What were my weaknesses? She told me that I had come looking for answers, expecting some kind of result, but couldn't get it. We people have to realize that the part of being human is sometimes NOT getting these answers. Do we really know where we are going? Of course not. So why should I be able to expect an answer from her when it is not something pressing on her mind? No wonder I am disappointed and depressed.

She mentioned that after her experiences, she realizes that an important part of relationships is that each person has to truly know themselves. Did I know myself? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Did I know what I wanted? Yeah, I did not really look at these things very deeply at the time, and perhaps up to this day I haven't. I wondered if I ever will.

She went to meet up with a friend and I, feeling completely lost and without any hope left, headed for my Aunt's where I was staying. I didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of the day, but I certainly felt like just crawling under a rock and staying there forever.

Then I remembered. Pope Benedict XVI had written an encyclical recently on the topic of Christian Hope. Since I had nothing better to do and had no hope left in my soul, I decided to read it.

My Lord, how You amaze me so...

Right off the bat, it talked about how we people could not always have clear answers. Faith is believing that whatever drives us everyday will eventually lead us to those answers, our purpose in our lives that we so want to know but don't. It was so in line with what she said to me earlier today that it struck a huge chord in me. This really was a lightbulb over the head moment. I kept reading it. It's a pretty long encyclical as even after 3 hours I was only halfway through. But there was so much in it that made sense and connected with what we discussed at lunch that I felt I had reached a turning point.

The closure I have sought for so long has finally come.
(At least, I really hope so. I don't want this to be a short-lived thing again)

So I felt great. I started to truly believe what I said earlier: letting her go to do what God wills her to do for Him. I have to stand aside and let things go as they should. I also have to start praying and listening harder for Him to show me where He wants me to go. As we walk on the journey of our lives, where we end up, we won't know. But it doesn't matter. Will we end up back together again? Who knows, and it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter! My faith is what keeps me from being afraid of drifting from her b/c it might be necessary! If I do not let her go, no one will benefit, especially me. As Spock said in ST 6, "let the universe unfold as it should." I must live with that mantra.

So I expect to return to Toronto in triumph. We have accomplished what we need and know also what is the next step. I believe that my low self-esteem could be a fundamental flaw I must deal with. It's not an easy one so I think I will choose to tackle one aspect that is the most easiest, and that is my physical appearance. Get in shape and be able to look into the mirror and be happy with myself. Sure, it may seem like a trivial thing, but the fact that I look at myself every morning feeling unsatisfied puts a kink in my self-esteem right at the start. So it does have a large multiplying factor to how I feel about myself. So let's deal with that first! It's the easiest! Whatever comes next, we'll figure out on the way. It's all about the journey now anyways, not the destination!

So there it is. Let us begin this renewal with confidence and with faith that God will show me the way despite the odds. Fears be damned indeed!

PS: If you are interested and have like, MANY hours to kill, the encyclical can be found HERE

Matthew 22:21

"Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s"

-------------------

I am dying inside.

The feeling is like the end of the Korean War... agree to a ceasefire, but no final peace settlement... both sides still technically at war with one another... an uneasy peace... such an impasse has lasted for more than 50 years now. Yet I'm struggling to handle the impasse that I have been given since Tuesday.

I am dying inside.

I struggle deeply knowing that as things stand, the chances of success are very low. Our paths appear to have parted almost to the point of never meeting again. She is very determined to live the life that God has shown her so far. I understand that. I fully support it even. But then, I am left alone... Yes, it was my own doing, but in hindsight, if it helped her focus on her program and her mission, then it was for the best. Of course, the method I chose to do it was still wrong. I'll have to get over that...

If there is anything at all that can be done, is that I myself have to take all the steps to try to even begin to rebuild this gift. But then, it would be a really big step. I'd have to leave everything behind. And would doing so be a good idea? While I would foolishly say that she is worth everything to me, but I feel I am corrupted enough to not do it in the end. That is troubling...

Yesterday when I was at Macau with her and met up w/ a mutual friend from Toronto, they discussed a lot of things that struck me very deeply. One of which is letting go. Yes, I've tried to do it many times over the past year or so and failed miserably. But this time I probably have to try again with the logic that, I might have to let something go in order to discover if it is really mine. You know that old saying, "If it was meant to be, it will come back to you again." I think this is what I must do. This was God's gift to me that I have returned to Him (in a very poor fashion unfortunately). I have to let go completely to see if God will give this gift back to me again. Not as easy as it sounds. Pray hard... pray hard...

The conflict I feel is that ok, we must stand down and give our lives to God, ask Him what He wants from us and to fulfill this mission to the best of our ability. Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a deaf guy and have never been able to find this out for myself. I can only guess, but even today I really don't understand what my purpose is. So one thing I could do is continue on the path that I'm walking and keep asking God along the way what to do next.

The problem I have with that is I am terribly afraid that this path will only take me further away from her. Her life is here, I think I can see that. She feels that the continual development of Macau is only an opportunity, not something to be frowned upon like some would think. Sure, there is the risk of having some unsavory parts like Vegas, but that's the beauty of it. This is her front line. This is her battle. It is a glorious purpose, one that I somewhat envy. For me, I feel something similar in Canada seeing how we've legalized same-sex marriage and all that. It's pretty much the same thing. So there's my fear. Our lives have taken roads apart from one another. But all this time I've spent with her, it only makes me realize just how much I desire her more. It is a terrible prospect.

What should I do? I will get my HK ID to open the possibility of working in HK. But do I really want to do that? I am so culturally different that it might be a bad idea. Also I know I'm a bit slow in terms of work ethic which might not meet the standards that people here expect and therefore make me very unwelcome. I'm also wondering if this is not putting my life in God's hands but instead taking it from Him. Me taking all those actions... am I forcing it? I really wish I could answer. Would forcing it only cause me to drift further away? The fistful of sand analogy... gripping it tighter only makes it slip faster...

I don't even know if I can bear to see her any more than I already have. I am definitely too selfish. I am yearning for something that as of right now, I cannot have. Whether or not I'll be able to have it again someday, I can't tell right now. Most likely not. Will my heart and mind just accept that fact and move on? Not right now, that's for sure. Hence why the passage at the top strikes me so much tonight. Her life belongs to God. So therefore, I must give to God what is His. I must learn to let go of her life.

God, help me learn to do as You will. Perhaps that is the miracle that I truly need...

Gone nowhere

Today was the day. I've gone and did what I had to do. I did not get the results I needed, but in a way what happened shouldn't have been a surprise.

I don't feel like writing about it right now, so I'll tell another WWII story to give you the end result.

OPERATION TIDAL WAVE
August 1, 1943
Target: Oil Refineries at Ploesti, Romania

On August 1, 1943, 177 US bombers took off from Benghazi, Libya to attack oil refineries in Ploesti, Romania. This site was unreachable by aircraft operating from England so they were never attacked until this day. However, this gave considerable time to prepare anti-aircraft defenses in the area. Indeed, they had become quite formidable.

Of the 177 bombers sent, only 88 were able to make the trip home. 53 were shot down and the rest either ditched in the Mediterranean Sea or landed elsewhere. The raid had been estimated to destroy 66% of the refinery capacity, but the refineries were not running at full capacity anyways so production was diverted to undamaged areas and the site was able to resume pre-raid production levels within weeks.

In short, after all that effort, nothing changed. Right now, that is how I feel. I've done what I wanted to do, but no conclusive result occurred. So it is still the status quo. And to me that just sucks.

Requesting Take Off Clearance, Over...

In a little over 12 hours from now, I will depart for the journey that I have waited too long to make... I cannot even begin to describe what exactly is going through my head right now. I'm expecting the worse given that I haven't seen any good signs for the past few months since we've began talking to each other again. I am very doubtful. Perhaps a bit too doubtful, since most people would agree that whatever the end result may be, it would be a good thing for me. I do agree deep down, but as of right now, I really don't know how I will respond to a negative outcome. I'm scared shitless.

Once again, I'm asking for nothing less than a miracle. Nothing else would present the positive outcome that I hope for, as delusional, unrealistic, and plain irresponsible as I am. Whatever happens though, I know I need to be more faithful, not just to God, but to myself as well. I am only what I think I am. To overcome every difficulty in my life, I must believe that I am capable of doing it. Fears be damned.

So let me end this entry with another wonderfully boring story from WWII history (shamelessly taken from Wikipedia):

BATTLE OF MIDWAY: June 4 - 7, 1942

Task Force 16 Commanding Officer: Rear Admiral Raymond A. Spruance

The actual departure time of aircraft from Enterprise’s decks depended still on the distance each of the two opposing forces would cover, the direction of the wind and its velocity, the degree of accuracy of the reported position of the enemy, payload and fuel capacity, speed of manning the planes and starting them, time between first and last launch, combat radius, and “the time required to send the attack order by flashing light on the Hornet, also under Spruance’s command. Computing all this was Browning’s job, his considerable job. “But it had to be without delay. Spruance wanted his planes up and flying at the earliest possible moment.”

Browning computed 0700.

Spruance accepted.

So let it be written, so let it be done.