Another year... and I've just been spinning around...

Alright folks! Time for another one of my whine-fests! Hope you brought lots of cheese. =P

Where can I even begin? I'm disappointed... just to start off. Actually, I suppose that's mostly because I had set myself lofty goals that I was unable to achieve within these 365 days. I really shouldn't have expected that I'd get over my breakup this quickly, although a YEAR has passed. But it's been difficult, especially when I had vested so many promises and hopes for the future in it. Eventually I'll get myself out, but for now, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself. I shouldn't have expected that I'd get into shape by now. Not only did I not stay consistent on my exercise, but I should remind myself that it would take many years before I achieve my goal... and even so, it'll take just as much work to maintain it.

On the bright side, my career is slowly taking shape... VERY slowly... I have an idea of where I want to go within IT in the next few years. I know what kind of skills I wish to develop and have developed by then. The question is, do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Do I want to work here? Deep down, I feel I'm very unsatisfied about something. I'm not sure about what... and how to resolve it. Is it because I've been hard on myself all these years? Is it because I've asked myself to accomplish certain things only to have failed? Maybe I've looked at all of this the wrong way...

Should I even walk along this path of change? How do I know what parts of me should be improved and what parts I should actually refuse to change? Hopefully, I'll figure this out soon... because I cannot function if I cannot get beyond this disatisfaction with myself... If I cannot see my strengths and create confidence from it, I will just keep kicking myself and letting opportunities slip away because I did not believe in my abilities. I wonder how many times that has happened already.

To step into the future... to try again... to understand my faults, to accept them, and move on... to not rely on outside influences as much... to just be able to look in the mirror everyday and be pleased with what I see... it's going to be a long arduous road full of potholes, mines, roadside bombs... you name it. I just hope I don't stop at the first sign of difficulty. I really hope 2006 will shed some light in this tunnel of darkness that I have wandered into. I cannot let up! God granted me a miracle once already... I pray He will grant me another one... please...

Teh Snownage!!11

Well, we had a nice XBOX HUEG snowstorm on Thursday, although they say we didn't get the whole storm luckily. Thursday was just brutal. I had to drop by the office on Thursday to get some project work done and left at 4:45 pm. Was stuck on the road and didn't get home until an hour and a half later. This is compared to about a 15-20 min drive on a normal day. Just brutal...

Friday morning was much different. Woke up to find that the air was milder, there may have been a ton of snow, but it was nice snow. Fluffy snow, packing snow... the type that would've been perfect for making snowmen, having snowball fights, and of course, skiing and snowboarding. OH I WISH I DID NOT HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND!!! I'd SO hit the slopes because the snow is JUST PERFECT!!! <3

Unfortunately, stuck in the office today (and even worse, at the Etobicoke datacentre... grumble) and it's a boring day. Not really in the mood to do much WORK work... however, I should because I got lucky yesterday. Met my boss to discuss the progress of my projects. One is done (yay!) but the other two didn't even make it across the starting line. My boss gave me a compromise of just doing one of them and beating the requirements to allow him to scratch the other one. My boss is so nice to me... sniff sniff... I really should take this opportunity to work on that project... but then, there's the "I'll do it tomorrow" demon bugging me today. I need better motivation.

Things are changing at the office... a lot of changes. I should be ok to post this because it was already on the news and is now public: We merged with the mother company to form one corporate entity. What does that mean? It means that the two staffs will be working together. Already there's a lot of stuff happening in the upper management side. Soon it will inevitably trickle down all the way to us grunts. How these changes will impact us, we don't know yet. I'm not saying I'll be out of a job... but that the 2006 year for us will be VERY interesting. There's already some overlap of staffs b/c the mother company also has staff that does similar jobs to staff here. However, now that the company is much larger and is much more national, there shouldn't be much job cuts because the manpower is truly needed to maintain our level of service. It's pretty interesting to see. We all hear about such large changes in companies, but to become involved in one... it really opens one's eyes.

It really amazes me that I still feel so... out of touch with things. I'm very good at my job, but when it comes to the corporate gossip, rumour mills, and analysing what's happening right now, I'm almost clueless. It kinda scares me in a way because that means I'm almost oblivious to what's happening around me. Fortunately, having some talkative co-workers really helps. Should things change, I'll certainly miss some of that. But then, life goes on.

Currently Listening To: Rob Dougan - Instrumental (From the Furious Angels album)
(Gee I wish there was a small media file format so I could post songs on my blog and play them as background music... I always find these beautiful instrumental pieces I just can't stop listening to. I hope I've collected enough to burn a CD soon... oh can't wait for in-car MP3-ness!)

Oi...

Sometimes, the right music at the wrong time is very inconvenient... but I have to admit, I really like this song... although I wonder if it's for the wrong reasons. Oh well, it's only been a bit over 1 year... there's still time to heal. After all, the first step is admitting that one has a problem... and I have to admit that I still do... bloody dammit...

BTW, this girl Yoshika sounds a LOT like Utada, except her english isn't as sharp obviously... and my friend says m-flo is like a Japanese version of Black Eyed Peas. I have to agree, and yes... Japanese rap is just as strange as Chinese rap. lol.
-----------------------------
Let Go
by: m-flo loves YOSHIKA
Translated by: Malraux

* Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta leave my past behind and let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta be strong
You better know where you're going
and know where you're from
Better believe it baby, let's go...

Y: How things stand, I couldn't just forget you
I can't just shut you away
While I know that we couldn't let it get any deeper
No matter what, I've got to let you know how I feel
Especially when I'm giving it all I've got
I want your heart boy, even if it's just for one moment

** I'm still drowning in this love that cannot be
I don't want to wake from this dream CAN'T LET GO
It's selfish, but I don't care
I want your unwavering love right here

M: come one now baby, come on...

(RAP)
yeah, yeah, yeah...
It all started off with "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
A love story wound open as we met eye to eye
yeah, yeah, yeah...
And now, I'm left wondering "do love and loss come as a set?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
Time stands still, even though I left you

I make myself believe that I'm alright
Though it hurts my heart for you not to be by my side
Just wanderin' if you feel the same (same)
I wanna see if these feelings are for real
Idling away your life doesn't make you nobody
So don't be afraid, loosen up your reins
If you wanna be free, let go... I'm tellin' you
EGO is terrorism of the heart

so, just listen

Y: Though sweet and silent time passes by
My body - It's breaking apart, boy why does it have to be like this?

*** I'm envoloped by dark anxiety. (I feel like I'm going to break.)
Oh why do I try to monopolise love?
All without saying a thing
All I want is for your love to be right here

*repeat

M: (RAP)
I lept aboard just as the Love Train's doors began to shut
A man who doesn't like to wait, straight no chase
Speeding towards the reality we now face. run, run run,
The hands on my watch don't stop
The magic that only works once, the key to destiny
How suddenly things changed, it ridicules logic
Don't hurry and Mr. Heartbreak might stay
Rewind, fade, the memory returns

Y: Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me even for just a moment

**,*** repeat

Seen a doctor lately? I haven't... for 8 years!!

I've always been fascinated at why I haven't gone to see a doctor for 8 years, even for a normal checkup. Actually, I probably SHOULD go for a checkup... otherwise, something nasty and big might be happening to me right now and I wouldn't know it. Yippie... However, on the bright side, I haven't gone crying to a doctor whenever a cold or flu or slight sickness get to me. My parents are firm believers in the vitamin and herbal remedy thing, and I pretty much believe them because I haven't gotten any illness that has kept me out of action for more than a week. Whenever I've gotten a cold, it's a matter of loading up on serious vitamins like A and C and that wonder herb known as Echinacea (which btw, some argue actually does NOTHING, but it seems to work for me =P). I've never been sick for more than a 2 or 3 days on average. It's stuff like this makes me glad I'm not into anti-biotics:

http://arstechnica.com/journals/science.ars/2005/12/5/2004

Ever since news came out about those drug-resistent bacteria and viruses and whatnot, I was pretty sure that our future was going to be pretty interesting... My 3rd sis is in the sciences, and she finds it retarded that people are so into getting drugs for all their mild sicknesses. She firmly believes that's why drugs are getting less effective... I dunno... this might be a dumb rant but stories like those concern me... Besides, I have beef against the pharmaceuticals for pushing so many drugs and other shit when there are obviously better solutions... and people buy into their "solutions" all the time. It's kinda sad and scary at the same time... I dunno... I guess humanity is riding their own path towards something unpleasant... we'll see.

Oh Look What You've Done

Yeah, it's not exactly a new song, but you know how I am with "mainstream" music... always out of date. Funny I keep hearing it in places like Milestones and Jack Astor's and other restaurants yet I kept forgetting who sang it... finally I got it. I dunno... it's another one of those "I think it's for me" songs... lol... talk about being self-important. =P

Artist: Jet
Song: Look What You've Done

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone