Happy Happy New year! Well, Lunar New Year anyways. Yup, Year of the Dog this year. Umm... no idea what that means. I'm not that familiar with all those old Chinese traditions and stuff so... whatever!
Ugh... this was supposed to be a somewhat-happy post, but being back at work suddenly my energy just drained like nothing... perhaps it's because of the air of uncertainty that's around nowadays thanks to the merger with the parent company. A lot of unknowns and the possibility of getting laid off, etc etc... Probably the last thing I need to be thinking about, however, they do have a point. Regardless, that should really motivate me to try to make my move out of this job faster, right? Right??
I seem to be feeling more down more often than usual. Maybe it's just because that I've been sick for the past week. I just hope it's not a sign of things to come. Geez, I can be really boring when I'm not in a good mood... (actually, when am I NEVER boring? =P). Not a good thing if I want to go places and meet ppl. Yadda yadda yadda. I'm thinking about too many things again. "One step at a time... one step at a time..."
Overall, I'm just not feeling it except maybe when I'm at work and I always get the pep talk that I'm doing good, lots of good things are coming up, etc etc... It's only on those moments that I feel alright, like I've done alright... All other times, I don't know.
Read something I shouldn't be reading anyways, and the imagination is heading straight to la-la-land. Shouldn't take it more than face value, but of course, the big thing is, I SHOULD NOT BE reading it anyways, PERIOD. Ai... too hard.
There's gotta be a way... oh well, just hang on for another 5 months. That time, the first step of my many goals will arrive. Just one of many...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
"Corruption... is why we WIN"
I'm in the middle of writing a new year's blog, but I haven't finished (EDIT: It's finished now! See below!). So for now, I decided to write about the movie I watched last week: Syriana.
I don't know if you guys ever heard of this movie at all, but I saw an ad banner on it one day and it interested me. I watched the trailer and I was hooked. The Middle East, oil, big oil company, conspiracy, corruption, betrayal... ooh... sounds like fun! I also read a lot of people's feedback during the Christmas holiday, and it was all pretty positive. I had to watch it.
So I did. It's definitely one of those movies that I need to rewatch again later when it comes out on DVD. The plot itself wasn't confusing, but the vast amount of characters that are presented are a bit hard to keep track. You can go to the movie website here: Syriana to watch the trailer to get an idea of what it's about. While I hate to sound very negative and all, but this movie is like a reflection of my worldview-made-real. I love it.
The feeling I got when I left the movie was that most people would probably walk out feeling lost, confused, or just wondering, "what was the point to that?" Well, if you went to that movie expecting to see something shocking or action-packed/full of intrigue, then you'll probably be disappointed and/or confused.
Just to be safe, I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone but I'm just worried I might so don't read past this point if you don't want to be spoiled or ruin your movie-viewing experience.
What happens in this movie shouldn't surprise you in any way. If you're appalled by what you see, then you really need to get your head out of your ass and take a hard long look at the world around you. If you just simply shrugged and said, "So?", then you definitely fit right in with why the world is the way it is right now. I'm not saying this by being self-rightious and berate everyone for it though. Because in truth, I'm just as guilty. In fact, we're ALL guilty in some way directly or indirectly. If any of you ever watched "The Corporation" documentary, you should know what I mean. It's about companies, national interests, and the simple fact that there's a really high price to pay if we want to achieve an idealistic world.
We demand good stuff for cheap. We want to receive a good, HIGH salary. How do you think one achieves that? Why do you think everything is coming from places like China, India, and other countries where standards of living are low and people are paid relatively NOTHING in comparison to what we would get here? Because we demand it as consumers. We would expect nothing less and companies have to accomplish that one way or another. Shareholders demand the company turns a profit. Well, you can see where this is going.
Documentaries like The Corporation and movies like Syriana should really just make you pause and wonder if the life we've created should be changed... and if so, can it? Hate to be pessimistic, but it's hard to turn back 2-300 years of human civilization. It would take an outright catastrophe to change anything simply because people are too used to this. To implement such a HUGE change... it would take a complete re-education and new mindset... and I don't know if that would be possible. Of course, the important thing is, everything starts with within. It would take the whole world to choose to change for it to happen. Which is why I keep bringing up the word "catastrophe". I mean, how else do you convince billions of people to do the same thing willingly? =P
I don't know if you guys ever heard of this movie at all, but I saw an ad banner on it one day and it interested me. I watched the trailer and I was hooked. The Middle East, oil, big oil company, conspiracy, corruption, betrayal... ooh... sounds like fun! I also read a lot of people's feedback during the Christmas holiday, and it was all pretty positive. I had to watch it.
So I did. It's definitely one of those movies that I need to rewatch again later when it comes out on DVD. The plot itself wasn't confusing, but the vast amount of characters that are presented are a bit hard to keep track. You can go to the movie website here: Syriana to watch the trailer to get an idea of what it's about. While I hate to sound very negative and all, but this movie is like a reflection of my worldview-made-real. I love it.
The feeling I got when I left the movie was that most people would probably walk out feeling lost, confused, or just wondering, "what was the point to that?" Well, if you went to that movie expecting to see something shocking or action-packed/full of intrigue, then you'll probably be disappointed and/or confused.
Just to be safe, I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone but I'm just worried I might so don't read past this point if you don't want to be spoiled or ruin your movie-viewing experience.
What happens in this movie shouldn't surprise you in any way. If you're appalled by what you see, then you really need to get your head out of your ass and take a hard long look at the world around you. If you just simply shrugged and said, "So?", then you definitely fit right in with why the world is the way it is right now. I'm not saying this by being self-rightious and berate everyone for it though. Because in truth, I'm just as guilty. In fact, we're ALL guilty in some way directly or indirectly. If any of you ever watched "The Corporation" documentary, you should know what I mean. It's about companies, national interests, and the simple fact that there's a really high price to pay if we want to achieve an idealistic world.
We demand good stuff for cheap. We want to receive a good, HIGH salary. How do you think one achieves that? Why do you think everything is coming from places like China, India, and other countries where standards of living are low and people are paid relatively NOTHING in comparison to what we would get here? Because we demand it as consumers. We would expect nothing less and companies have to accomplish that one way or another. Shareholders demand the company turns a profit. Well, you can see where this is going.
Documentaries like The Corporation and movies like Syriana should really just make you pause and wonder if the life we've created should be changed... and if so, can it? Hate to be pessimistic, but it's hard to turn back 2-300 years of human civilization. It would take an outright catastrophe to change anything simply because people are too used to this. To implement such a HUGE change... it would take a complete re-education and new mindset... and I don't know if that would be possible. Of course, the important thing is, everything starts with within. It would take the whole world to choose to change for it to happen. Which is why I keep bringing up the word "catastrophe". I mean, how else do you convince billions of people to do the same thing willingly? =P
Thursday, January 05, 2006
2006. You know the drill...
It's a new year. It's pretty much assumed that most Western people that celebrate new year's would come up with resolutions or things they should do this year to change and what not. Sometimes, it works. Other times, it doesn't work that well. In any case, the effort is made. I choose to be one of those people this year to make that effort.
While I say this now, it's always a question of whether or not it will last. True, my record hasn't exactly been problem-free and I'll be honest to admit that I have enough times of just saying, "meh..." and letting things slip by to realise that I have a rather tall hill to climb. However, there are some things different this year that I hope could help push me along...
I've started reading a book called "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." I'm trying to do the personal change thingy so what better book to read than that? I find it very interesting and I'm wondering if stuff like this work. It does for some, but I have to wonder if I'll actually put it into use for it to work. I'm in a pretty deep rut that's hard to get out of. However, nothing is impossible. I just wonder if I'm just being impatient and hoping for things to change like NOW NOW versus letting it gradually happen. I still have time yet I also DON'T have time... if you get my drift. Err... maybe not.
The book really does hit some good points about changing the way one sees things. Something that should be pretty obvious but isn't that obvious for me is that I seem to worry and cuss about a lot of things that I don't have any direct control over. Things like world issues that are so far away that I really shouldn't think too much about. I mean, what can I do right? It's not like I have my "invincible army out there to do my bidding and take over the world MUHAHAHA" thing... =P. What the book says is that I should rather focus on the things that I DO have direct control over and deal with those. It's the whole "Circle of Influence" versus "Circle of Concern" kind of thing. I should work on the things I can influence, which in turn will work out towards things that are of my concern. To put it simply, change happens from within. Geez... you would think something as simple as that could've been understood by me a LOT earlier... alas... apparently lots of things like these are missed by a lot of people.
I definitely hope to start doing that from now on. Everything that is a lot more directly influenced by me, I should change. Change some habits, get into some routines, start seriously thinking about achieving some goals... and to start letting go of some things... or maybe... just that ONE thing I can't seem to be able to... ai... yeap... that again.
No matter. I think the important thing is that it always comes down to a matter of choice. Another thing the book brings up... how we CHOOSE to deal with what life gives us and how we choose to react to things. Choice... forget alcohol being the cause of and solution to all of life's problems =P. So, what choices do I have to make this year? I don't know yet. For one thing, get a new job, buy my car, start saving up to move out... or... hmm, let's not get into that.
It's going to be another TOUGH year. For one thing, I need to beef up my spiritual life too. I've been a bit lax there... and so, I end with the prayer that according to the book, is the prayer for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I'm far from an alcoholic, but the words of this prayer means a lot to me. I've already printed it out and I intend to read this everyday:
"Lord,
Give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen."
Boy, I really need to keep in touch with Him more often... I'm getting jaded. =P
While I say this now, it's always a question of whether or not it will last. True, my record hasn't exactly been problem-free and I'll be honest to admit that I have enough times of just saying, "meh..." and letting things slip by to realise that I have a rather tall hill to climb. However, there are some things different this year that I hope could help push me along...
I've started reading a book called "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." I'm trying to do the personal change thingy so what better book to read than that? I find it very interesting and I'm wondering if stuff like this work. It does for some, but I have to wonder if I'll actually put it into use for it to work. I'm in a pretty deep rut that's hard to get out of. However, nothing is impossible. I just wonder if I'm just being impatient and hoping for things to change like NOW NOW versus letting it gradually happen. I still have time yet I also DON'T have time... if you get my drift. Err... maybe not.
The book really does hit some good points about changing the way one sees things. Something that should be pretty obvious but isn't that obvious for me is that I seem to worry and cuss about a lot of things that I don't have any direct control over. Things like world issues that are so far away that I really shouldn't think too much about. I mean, what can I do right? It's not like I have my "invincible army out there to do my bidding and take over the world MUHAHAHA" thing... =P. What the book says is that I should rather focus on the things that I DO have direct control over and deal with those. It's the whole "Circle of Influence" versus "Circle of Concern" kind of thing. I should work on the things I can influence, which in turn will work out towards things that are of my concern. To put it simply, change happens from within. Geez... you would think something as simple as that could've been understood by me a LOT earlier... alas... apparently lots of things like these are missed by a lot of people.
I definitely hope to start doing that from now on. Everything that is a lot more directly influenced by me, I should change. Change some habits, get into some routines, start seriously thinking about achieving some goals... and to start letting go of some things... or maybe... just that ONE thing I can't seem to be able to... ai... yeap... that again.
No matter. I think the important thing is that it always comes down to a matter of choice. Another thing the book brings up... how we CHOOSE to deal with what life gives us and how we choose to react to things. Choice... forget alcohol being the cause of and solution to all of life's problems =P. So, what choices do I have to make this year? I don't know yet. For one thing, get a new job, buy my car, start saving up to move out... or... hmm, let's not get into that.
It's going to be another TOUGH year. For one thing, I need to beef up my spiritual life too. I've been a bit lax there... and so, I end with the prayer that according to the book, is the prayer for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I'm far from an alcoholic, but the words of this prayer means a lot to me. I've already printed it out and I intend to read this everyday:
"Lord,
Give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen."
Boy, I really need to keep in touch with Him more often... I'm getting jaded. =P
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Another year... and I've just been spinning around...
Alright folks! Time for another one of my whine-fests! Hope you brought lots of cheese. =P
Where can I even begin? I'm disappointed... just to start off. Actually, I suppose that's mostly because I had set myself lofty goals that I was unable to achieve within these 365 days. I really shouldn't have expected that I'd get over my breakup this quickly, although a YEAR has passed. But it's been difficult, especially when I had vested so many promises and hopes for the future in it. Eventually I'll get myself out, but for now, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself. I shouldn't have expected that I'd get into shape by now. Not only did I not stay consistent on my exercise, but I should remind myself that it would take many years before I achieve my goal... and even so, it'll take just as much work to maintain it.
On the bright side, my career is slowly taking shape... VERY slowly... I have an idea of where I want to go within IT in the next few years. I know what kind of skills I wish to develop and have developed by then. The question is, do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Do I want to work here? Deep down, I feel I'm very unsatisfied about something. I'm not sure about what... and how to resolve it. Is it because I've been hard on myself all these years? Is it because I've asked myself to accomplish certain things only to have failed? Maybe I've looked at all of this the wrong way...
Should I even walk along this path of change? How do I know what parts of me should be improved and what parts I should actually refuse to change? Hopefully, I'll figure this out soon... because I cannot function if I cannot get beyond this disatisfaction with myself... If I cannot see my strengths and create confidence from it, I will just keep kicking myself and letting opportunities slip away because I did not believe in my abilities. I wonder how many times that has happened already.
To step into the future... to try again... to understand my faults, to accept them, and move on... to not rely on outside influences as much... to just be able to look in the mirror everyday and be pleased with what I see... it's going to be a long arduous road full of potholes, mines, roadside bombs... you name it. I just hope I don't stop at the first sign of difficulty. I really hope 2006 will shed some light in this tunnel of darkness that I have wandered into. I cannot let up! God granted me a miracle once already... I pray He will grant me another one... please...
Where can I even begin? I'm disappointed... just to start off. Actually, I suppose that's mostly because I had set myself lofty goals that I was unable to achieve within these 365 days. I really shouldn't have expected that I'd get over my breakup this quickly, although a YEAR has passed. But it's been difficult, especially when I had vested so many promises and hopes for the future in it. Eventually I'll get myself out, but for now, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I have brought onto myself. I shouldn't have expected that I'd get into shape by now. Not only did I not stay consistent on my exercise, but I should remind myself that it would take many years before I achieve my goal... and even so, it'll take just as much work to maintain it.
On the bright side, my career is slowly taking shape... VERY slowly... I have an idea of where I want to go within IT in the next few years. I know what kind of skills I wish to develop and have developed by then. The question is, do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Do I want to work here? Deep down, I feel I'm very unsatisfied about something. I'm not sure about what... and how to resolve it. Is it because I've been hard on myself all these years? Is it because I've asked myself to accomplish certain things only to have failed? Maybe I've looked at all of this the wrong way...
Should I even walk along this path of change? How do I know what parts of me should be improved and what parts I should actually refuse to change? Hopefully, I'll figure this out soon... because I cannot function if I cannot get beyond this disatisfaction with myself... If I cannot see my strengths and create confidence from it, I will just keep kicking myself and letting opportunities slip away because I did not believe in my abilities. I wonder how many times that has happened already.
To step into the future... to try again... to understand my faults, to accept them, and move on... to not rely on outside influences as much... to just be able to look in the mirror everyday and be pleased with what I see... it's going to be a long arduous road full of potholes, mines, roadside bombs... you name it. I just hope I don't stop at the first sign of difficulty. I really hope 2006 will shed some light in this tunnel of darkness that I have wandered into. I cannot let up! God granted me a miracle once already... I pray He will grant me another one... please...
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Teh Snownage!!11
Well, we had a nice XBOX HUEG snowstorm on Thursday, although they say we didn't get the whole storm luckily. Thursday was just brutal. I had to drop by the office on Thursday to get some project work done and left at 4:45 pm. Was stuck on the road and didn't get home until an hour and a half later. This is compared to about a 15-20 min drive on a normal day. Just brutal...
Friday morning was much different. Woke up to find that the air was milder, there may have been a ton of snow, but it was nice snow. Fluffy snow, packing snow... the type that would've been perfect for making snowmen, having snowball fights, and of course, skiing and snowboarding. OH I WISH I DID NOT HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND!!! I'd SO hit the slopes because the snow is JUST PERFECT!!! <3
Unfortunately, stuck in the office today (and even worse, at the Etobicoke datacentre... grumble) and it's a boring day. Not really in the mood to do much WORK work... however, I should because I got lucky yesterday. Met my boss to discuss the progress of my projects. One is done (yay!) but the other two didn't even make it across the starting line. My boss gave me a compromise of just doing one of them and beating the requirements to allow him to scratch the other one. My boss is so nice to me... sniff sniff... I really should take this opportunity to work on that project... but then, there's the "I'll do it tomorrow" demon bugging me today. I need better motivation.
Things are changing at the office... a lot of changes. I should be ok to post this because it was already on the news and is now public: We merged with the mother company to form one corporate entity. What does that mean? It means that the two staffs will be working together. Already there's a lot of stuff happening in the upper management side. Soon it will inevitably trickle down all the way to us grunts. How these changes will impact us, we don't know yet. I'm not saying I'll be out of a job... but that the 2006 year for us will be VERY interesting. There's already some overlap of staffs b/c the mother company also has staff that does similar jobs to staff here. However, now that the company is much larger and is much more national, there shouldn't be much job cuts because the manpower is truly needed to maintain our level of service. It's pretty interesting to see. We all hear about such large changes in companies, but to become involved in one... it really opens one's eyes.
It really amazes me that I still feel so... out of touch with things. I'm very good at my job, but when it comes to the corporate gossip, rumour mills, and analysing what's happening right now, I'm almost clueless. It kinda scares me in a way because that means I'm almost oblivious to what's happening around me. Fortunately, having some talkative co-workers really helps. Should things change, I'll certainly miss some of that. But then, life goes on.
Currently Listening To: Rob Dougan - Instrumental (From the Furious Angels album)
(Gee I wish there was a small media file format so I could post songs on my blog and play them as background music... I always find these beautiful instrumental pieces I just can't stop listening to. I hope I've collected enough to burn a CD soon... oh can't wait for in-car MP3-ness!)
Friday morning was much different. Woke up to find that the air was milder, there may have been a ton of snow, but it was nice snow. Fluffy snow, packing snow... the type that would've been perfect for making snowmen, having snowball fights, and of course, skiing and snowboarding. OH I WISH I DID NOT HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND!!! I'd SO hit the slopes because the snow is JUST PERFECT!!! <3
Unfortunately, stuck in the office today (and even worse, at the Etobicoke datacentre... grumble) and it's a boring day. Not really in the mood to do much WORK work... however, I should because I got lucky yesterday. Met my boss to discuss the progress of my projects. One is done (yay!) but the other two didn't even make it across the starting line. My boss gave me a compromise of just doing one of them and beating the requirements to allow him to scratch the other one. My boss is so nice to me... sniff sniff... I really should take this opportunity to work on that project... but then, there's the "I'll do it tomorrow" demon bugging me today. I need better motivation.
Things are changing at the office... a lot of changes. I should be ok to post this because it was already on the news and is now public: We merged with the mother company to form one corporate entity. What does that mean? It means that the two staffs will be working together. Already there's a lot of stuff happening in the upper management side. Soon it will inevitably trickle down all the way to us grunts. How these changes will impact us, we don't know yet. I'm not saying I'll be out of a job... but that the 2006 year for us will be VERY interesting. There's already some overlap of staffs b/c the mother company also has staff that does similar jobs to staff here. However, now that the company is much larger and is much more national, there shouldn't be much job cuts because the manpower is truly needed to maintain our level of service. It's pretty interesting to see. We all hear about such large changes in companies, but to become involved in one... it really opens one's eyes.
It really amazes me that I still feel so... out of touch with things. I'm very good at my job, but when it comes to the corporate gossip, rumour mills, and analysing what's happening right now, I'm almost clueless. It kinda scares me in a way because that means I'm almost oblivious to what's happening around me. Fortunately, having some talkative co-workers really helps. Should things change, I'll certainly miss some of that. But then, life goes on.
Currently Listening To: Rob Dougan - Instrumental (From the Furious Angels album)
(Gee I wish there was a small media file format so I could post songs on my blog and play them as background music... I always find these beautiful instrumental pieces I just can't stop listening to. I hope I've collected enough to burn a CD soon... oh can't wait for in-car MP3-ness!)
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