Seen a doctor lately? I haven't... for 8 years!!

I've always been fascinated at why I haven't gone to see a doctor for 8 years, even for a normal checkup. Actually, I probably SHOULD go for a checkup... otherwise, something nasty and big might be happening to me right now and I wouldn't know it. Yippie... However, on the bright side, I haven't gone crying to a doctor whenever a cold or flu or slight sickness get to me. My parents are firm believers in the vitamin and herbal remedy thing, and I pretty much believe them because I haven't gotten any illness that has kept me out of action for more than a week. Whenever I've gotten a cold, it's a matter of loading up on serious vitamins like A and C and that wonder herb known as Echinacea (which btw, some argue actually does NOTHING, but it seems to work for me =P). I've never been sick for more than a 2 or 3 days on average. It's stuff like this makes me glad I'm not into anti-biotics:

http://arstechnica.com/journals/science.ars/2005/12/5/2004

Ever since news came out about those drug-resistent bacteria and viruses and whatnot, I was pretty sure that our future was going to be pretty interesting... My 3rd sis is in the sciences, and she finds it retarded that people are so into getting drugs for all their mild sicknesses. She firmly believes that's why drugs are getting less effective... I dunno... this might be a dumb rant but stories like those concern me... Besides, I have beef against the pharmaceuticals for pushing so many drugs and other shit when there are obviously better solutions... and people buy into their "solutions" all the time. It's kinda sad and scary at the same time... I dunno... I guess humanity is riding their own path towards something unpleasant... we'll see.

Oh Look What You've Done

Yeah, it's not exactly a new song, but you know how I am with "mainstream" music... always out of date. Funny I keep hearing it in places like Milestones and Jack Astor's and other restaurants yet I kept forgetting who sang it... finally I got it. I dunno... it's another one of those "I think it's for me" songs... lol... talk about being self-important. =P

Artist: Jet
Song: Look What You've Done

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Breathe...

Save
Save me from this
Wandered around the town
All the thousand things
I might miss

And you
Think we'll suffer much
Think we'll close our eyes
Just to see the light
Pass us by

With tomorrow coming
Hope that I don't let you down again
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see

Sit
We'll take our time
Watching the flowers grow
All the friends we've known
Say goodbye

And you
Did you suffer much
Did you close your eyes
Just to see the night
Rush on by

Gathered all around you
Hope that we don't let you down again
I said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see

Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean a thing
Said I'm so glad to be here
Does it mean anything
If only I could breathe what you breathe
If only I could see what you see
If only I could just believe a thing

------------------------
The things sentimentality does to a guy...

Hoping I don't let You down again...
But I can't stop thinking that I already have...
Why must I keep thinking like that?
Let... me... go...

"Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair"

Risk... and I'm not talking about that classic board game. This is just another life-related rant/entry/whiney post. =P

I've never been that much of a risk-taker. Not really anyways... although sometimes I wonder if my old habit of passively going about life was quite a big risk. =P Surely no sane person would dare to put out so little effort expecting everything to work out alright like I did. But anyways, whatever happened then, it has set what my life has become today. However, as I arrive in a new era and either getting past my quarter-life crisis or perhaps still experiencing/struggling through it now, I wonder if it's time I stuck my neck out a little more than I have lately.

I have a horrible habit of looking back on my past and "evaluate" the things I did. She said that I would have nothing but regrets... well, it always had been at times. Certain situations where I wish I did something else... the "what ifs" of life. Having a knack of liking history has its drawbacks. Historians love to conjecture what ifs in historical events. I have the unfortunate desire of doing that with my life specifically. The phrase "no regrets" doesn't really work for me, no matter how much I want it to. Perhaps I'm just male PMSing right now (if that's even possible, although some would probably get a good laugh out of that and agree) but I'm definitely not feeling so great.

Thinking about risk, I think about the FEW times I actually decided to take a risk and see what I gained from it. The only two instances I could think of at the moment happened during university. The first (while risky to even put it out on my blog, but I think that person doesn't read it so I'm kinda safe...) happened when I was in 3rd year. It was my second year of being in CS after I left engineering due to lousy marks. Having barely survived 2nd year on my own knowing only one other person, I realised that I better make some new contacts if I were to survive. (Now here comes the part that all you nosy people will love...) There was a girl that I always saw in my CS classes that I had a bit of a crush on for a short time. I noticed after one class that she knew an old res-mate of mine from 1st year. We both just happen to have the same class right after and we were both walking towards it. I was walking ahead of her by a bit... I was HEAVILY contemplating if I should talk to her. After 5 minutes of debating, I just said out loud "Oh hell, why not!" and turned around and just started talking to her. Just. Like. That. From that point forward, I got to meet others in my CS program that I must say helped me a lot and I cherish the friendship I developed with them. So that's definitely a risk that paid off. Eventually, the crush died off because soon after, I was dating my first gf and that girl ended up dating quite a few guys during the time I knew her. *shrug*. No matter. After getting to know her well, I learned that it wasn't going to work anyways. Meh...

Risk #2 would be easy for you to guess... dating my 2nd gf was a huge risk given the odds that I faced. Unfortunate that I failed in that task, but if I had to learn a tough lesson, I guess it had to happen. It resulted in the most happiest 2 years of my life so far, knowing that I had achieved the impossible. I cherish the memories of those 2 years, but it has gotten very painful now that things have turned to a zero contact policy. It's hard to have grown up with 3 sisters that tell you to never do this or that to a girl, only to end up actually doing it. While people make mistakes, I have the tendency of being extra hard on myself simply because I thought it would help me try harder to be better. So far, maybe it isn't working and only serving to depress me more.

So where do I stand now? I realise I have to stick my neck out a lot more at work if I'm going to finish my projects. Luckily this time, I've made good progress on at least ONE of them, but the other two are far behind schedule... As for other aspects of my life, hmm... all I'll say to my readers (especially the new ones =P) is "don't assume things based on what it seems on the surface." Right now, I'm juggling between the past and future. I'm too afraid to take an opportunity when it seems to appear simply because I'm not sure if I'm just reading the wrong signs again like during the breakup last year. It was because of these wrong signs that I ended up where I am now and I'm really not looking forward to getting burned twice. I feel that I'm simply not ready.

But then, maybe I need to get burned... do I have the balls to play the 6 rejection game? I wonder if I should even play... however, time waits for no man, as they say. If I don't get over my fear now, what will happen when the hour of truth comes when I don't even realise it? It's always about fear... it always has...

Walking down memory lane...

Originally, I wanted to do this on Xanga, but it doesn't have the ability to change the post's timestamp, so I'll do it here instead.

I closed down my old website quite awhile ago (actually, more like I let it die when Rogers merged with Yahoo!). However, there were some journal entries there. Just for posterity (and maybe due to a bit of sentimentality) I'm going to post it here. It'll be odd because it will jump from there to Xanga starting in 2003 and then back here again. Oh well. *shrug*

Anyways, feel free to go and take a look at the archives, oh brave reader.