I cannot believe I just used that as my title... but... *shrug*. Whatever... at least I know it'll put a smile on someone's face when she reads it... you bum =P.
I'm at a loss of words of where I am. It seems I'm still not past my big life crises (plural for crisis... in case you're wondering). Even though I'm 26, I am not at the mental capacity of a 26 year-old (sees a lot of "Well, DUH!" signs pop up from the usual suspects =P). Yeah yeah, so it's not exactly news, but the fact that it isn't old news it's starting to irritate me. Perhaps being sheltered at home for so long has been detrimental. I feel an urge to expand, to grow... and soon. I'm quite terrified actually... because I'm contemplating something that I've only daydreamed about but thought wouldn't be possible. I want to quit my job... I've gotten comfortable there to the point I'm lazy. I'm not growing within the company as I had hoped. Sure, maybe a year is too soon to tell, but I can just feel it in my bones. Maybe after my 2 year anniversary, I'll make the jump... but I don't know. It's also the fact that I just don't know bugs the shit out of me. Why haven't I decided yet? Why haven't I developed the same ambitions and goals that other successful people have? Shouldn't I have a say on my life by now? What the fsck is going on?? Where do I want to go? What do I have to offer? Despite all the praise I've gotten from my bosses, I don't feel that I'm contributing in a way that would make a difference. Something is still missing. I feel like I need to get out from my home... truly away from my comfort zone to accomplish anything. My trip to SFO was a start... to truly travel alone... to go out and just... experience things... do I need to do that? If so, there's only one place I feel that I can go to just do that... at least, the only place I can think of given the strange interest that I've always had... those of you that know me well enough should know... where else did boys go to become men? It's almost getting to that point... and I am afraid.
I just know I need to do it... because many things depend on it... I want to change soon, because it's not that I'm running out of time, I'm scared that someone else is... Again, the phrase comes back time and time again... "My God, What Have I Done?"
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2 comments:
Just wanted to remind you that no matter what decision you make, we'll still be here to support you all the way!!~
the bum =)
Don't worry.. you're not alone. I feel that way sometimes too.... but the trick is to not compare yourself to others. I have a tendency to do this sometimes and it kinda makes me feel uninteresting.. esp when I compare myself to those living outside this country... seems like they're having more fun than I'll ever have. If you want to expand yourself, do things you wouldn't normally do.. I've started doing that and I've discovered things I thought I would never enjoy :) And one major thing to do is travel. If you feel like you need to get out of the country for a while and live on your own, a good option is to teach english overseas. I had a lot of friends do that and they always have a good time :)
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