As I mindlessly floated through high school and drifted into my second year of university, I often found myself wondering about the direction of my life. Being the over-analycal and pondering self, I felt at odds with the way life went. Most of the time these occurred when I felt the most vulnerable, the most isolated, the most alone. Did I really want to be here?
Second year brought an opportunity for me to take some pretty 'unusual' elective courses... unusual for a computer science student at least: History. I can never explain why, but I found myself drawn to studying it. McMaster offered quite a few history courses. I really wanted to learn Chinese history but it wasn't offered in my second year. I ended up taking the next best thing, European history.
Naturally, I wanted to focus on the two World Wars mostly (since I'm such a military nut), but since it was a more general course, we learned everything from the Napoleonic era to close modern day. The course really opened my eyes outside of just the wars to many more areas of history that have made an impact on our lives today. I found the French Revolution particularly interesting given the kind of philosophical ideas and thought process it spawned. In a way, I thought, "THIS is why we are the way we are today." although technically, we probably already were like this before that... but that's another topic altogether.
So, finally to the actual POINT of this entry. In this history class we had two major essays to write. For the research materials I needed for the first, I loaned a book containing the works of one of the big names of poetry from the WW1 era: Siegfried Sassoon. Most of you probably never heard of him but he wrote the poem called "Soldiers" that I found interesting when I was 13 and I first heard it watching Young Indiana Jones Chronicles :P. In this book I found another poem that I thought pretty much summarized my feelings and frustrations whenever I wondered about what the hell is the point of my life. A lot of it made sense to me because in 1997 when I went to Taize, France, I found myself at the most peaceful point of my life. The lifestyle there was like the perfect dream. Since I came back, I've longed to relive that peace once more. And don't think it's because I met her there... that was just a bonus. I wanted to find that peace again if anything...
Now, I am approaching another huge decision point in my life. I keep thinking that I may never experience that peace again... so I just thought I'd post this poem tonight...
IN THE CHURCH OF ST OUEN
Siegfried Sassoon March 4, 1917
Time makes me a soldier; but I know
That had I lived six hundred years ago,
I might have tried to build within my heart
A church like this, where I could dwell apart,
With chanting peace; my spirit longs for prayer,
And, lost to God, I seek him everywhere.
Here, while the windows burn and bloom like flowers,
And sunlight falls and fades with tranquil hours,
I could be half a saint, for like a rose
In heart-shaped stone the glory of Heaven glows.
But where I stand, desiring yet to stay,
Hearing rich music at the close of day,
The Spring Offensive (Easter is its date)
Calls me. And that's the music I await.
For me, my date will be December. That is what I will be awaiting...
