Leaving it all behind

Song of the moment: Utada Hikaru - Final Distance

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A month... some of us still can't believe that an entire 31-day span has passed since Leslie left us. The pain still lingers, our hearts still long for the good old days when all of us could be together to share wonderful family moments like always. But we have to face the reality. My parents lost a cherished daughter. We siblings of four have become three.

I feel that I'm probably the only one who seems to have gone back to normal life almost completely. Yes, I still feel the pain. There are situations or things I hear that might remind me of Leslie and I'll end up having to step aside to cry and mourn, but for the most part, I've been ok. I've been going back to work and sounding pretty much the same. I've kept the same cheerful attitude when dealing with people at the office and it's as if nothing's changed. I think the only time it isn't is when I'm at home. Things do feel a bit less cheerful than usual, but that goes without saying.

I think perhaps it's because I have a tendency of taking things for granted when someone isn't around. I've been used to Leslie being physically away so that explains why I'm able to feel that it's not that much different. But when it dawns on me that she's physically away FOREVER, then it hits me. Things definitely will never be the same, but I don't want to see us so emotionally crippled that we've lost our touch with our goals and dreams.

Goals and dreams... knowing how much Leslie accomplished in her time on Earth, I feel that it's time I started to push myself more to get more done than ever before. I only wish that it didn't have to be in this circumstance. I should've thought that way long ago. I have to push myself in terms of getting my career goals going, and of course, other goals... though not sure what I can do in that area right now however.

It's interesting how many things have changed during the 2 weeks I was gone in HK... the future certainly is looking different than I had originally thought. A lot of interesting... 'politics' and 'talk'... and I am thinking a lot of it will continue to cement my self-identity. I'm starting to feel that I'm getting more comfortable with who I am than before. Perhaps I am maturing after all... should provide a nice self-confidence boost.

But to put it to the test... hmmm... where?