I have no idea what I am doing...

I think I'm starting to understand a bit about my psychology when it comes to that certain topic of my life that seems to be everyone's favourite lately. I don't react well to pressure. In fact, my reaction to pressure is directly inverse to what the pressure is trying to accomplish. The more pressure I feel, the more likely I will end up doing nothing. While I know that everyone is trying to help me and try to get things going in my best interests, but for some odd reason I have this defense mechanism that just makes it all a wasted effort. Sometimes my perception of the pressure makes it worse. It might not be anything, but my reaction would make it seem like it was something. Yeah, it's probably quite frustrating for everyone...

In the end, it has to be my decision to do something right? If I don't, I don't. Well... I haven't really gotten that "feeling" that hit me so hard in 1997. Maybe it's a mistake to try to find that "spark" again with someone else. I'm not stupid though... I know that "spark" won't be the same, but still I kind of expect SOMETHING to be there... that little something that I cannot describe, yet when I feel it, I know I will take action.

So now, I'm a bit of a loss. Am I just holding back subconsciously still for no reason? What am I missing here? This latest "opportunity"... I haven't really capitalized on. I just don't know what to do. I'm just... frozen.

"I have no mouth, but Yours,
I have no voice, but Yours,
I have no Words, but Yours.

Send me Your voice, Lord.
Send me Your Words, Lord."

----------------------------

Next Morning Edit: After sleeping on it, it's also possible that I'm giving myself too much pressure as well... but either way... pressure is baaaadddddd... =P

Avril 14th

Yes I know it's May, not April anymore...

You'll all probably roll your eyes about this, but I'm going to YouTube whore again. I put this on my Facebook already though but I'm just going to double-post it here for good measure. Love this song. I wouldn't mind trying to find the sheet music for this too... but then, I'd have to learn how to play the piano... d'oh!

Doin' alright

Haven't really written a really detailed blog in awhile. Mostly been posting music from YouTube because... well... I just love music, although some of it is probably weird to the rest of you. =P

I just experienced the longest maintenance window of my career so far and the first time I experienced problems at the end. I went into the office at 10pm on Saturday not knowing when I'll be done because we were really there just to take systems down for other ppl to do some critical work and we would bring everything back up when they finished. I didn't leave until 11am Sunday. Yeah, pretty bad. Things didn't go back up the way they should have in the morning so I had to do some major troubleshooting to get things going. Then I had to drive all the way from the west end back home. Oi... I nearly cut a guy off on the highway by accident. I was so tired...

I have to say though, despite it all, I'm really enjoying this work. That sense of accomplishment during and after the troubleshooting is great. I've always liked it and it figures why I chose to be a Systems Admin... I guess I'm fortunate that I know what kind of work I really wanted to do and this seems like it. I can't stay at this job forever though, but I do have the next steps in mind somewhat. There is room to grow at least.

Everything else though... seems to be at a standstill... I'm a bit afraid that I'm just going to throw myself at my work and forget about other things in my life. Ai... patience, patience... I guess I really just have to not get too worried about the other things. It should all fall into place eventually. Maybe if I actually DID something instead of just thinking about it. *shrug*

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence

No no... it's not snowing in Toronto again when it's the middle of spring...

It's the title of an old movie and also of a song that's played by famous Japanese musician and composer Ryuichi Sakamoto. I stumbled upon this song strangely enough when I caught a cover/remix of it by Momix and Low P on di.fm's Chillout channel. I don't know why but I really love this song. Even funnier, there's a dance song by Watergate that I heard LONG ago that uses parts of this song. Funny... anyways, take a listen. It's a beautiful piece.

Not alone...

Found this classic when I was going through my music collection...

Seems like all I listen to nowadays are songs from back then...
Yep, I.am.old.